...
So I was cruising around campus, milling around before my first class of the day starts. I decide to bop into the computer lab, to look up some teen pregnancy shemale fisting porn, when, much to my general dismay, I can't even manage to get the computer to turn on. All of my regular checks, such as seeing if it's plugged in, fail. Disillusioned, I rush to the rest room to quickly jerk off to the hottest picture I can find in my history book.
Feeling cultured, I go to my aforementioned history class. My professor informs us that the school has gotten some sort of virus or worm, and that all of the campus computers are down, and that he'd be giving a regular lecture like back in the 50s or something. Speaking of the 50s, the discussion was World War II, one of the bloodiest battles the world has seen. How ironic this foreshadowing would be to what is to come.
I make a note of the computer error, and laugh to myself, "Someone was torrenting too many Seinfeld reruns." and that "I bet I could fix the entire campus by running Spybot." as I leave class. On my way out, I notice something on the door:
What the fuck is a COMPUTOR?
Now, not having the internet at my disposal, and armed with only my shitty cameraphone and my wits, I come to the only logical conclusion one could come to after seeing a sign like that.
Invasion.
My school has become the training grounds of an elite group of electronic invaders bent on world destruction.
I decide that perhaps my imagination is getting the best of me, that maybe the sign was merely a typo. I decide to go to the English Building, where it is a known fact that typos don't exist. Much to my dismay this is what I find:
Slightly worried, I walk across campus to the Polytech Building. They MUST have answers, since that's the point of the building. Only they could tell me whether this loss of internet was a true prelude to mankind's imminent destruction. I am horrified by what greets me.
Now in a state of genuine panic, I rush back across campus, to take my findings to the Dean of Schools. Along the way, I am confronted by many strange things. I see Computors everywhere.
I notice that the rest of the campus has been affected by loss of internet. It seems that the general populace has returned to using cave drawings as a means of communication.
Some of these I can't read, as language has completely been shattered by 12 year old AOL speak. Among these I find something that truly depresses me: Even without the net, 4chan lives on...
Upon my arrival, I relay my findings to the Dean.. I am shocked when, in a fit of insanity, the Dean attacked me! After narrowing escaping, I conclude that the computors have brain dissolving abilities, and this has caused the staff of the school to literally lose their minds. Suddenly, all the pieces fall into place. Start by disrupting communications, then rob the masses of their own thoughts, these are the beginnings of a true classic alien invasion. Clearly, their next target is cultural landmarks.
I decide to relay my warnings to the National government. On my way to write my Senetor, however, I notice something.
I now think that the invaders have swayed the political system in such a way that they are in power with the government. Perhaps even for decades.
Completely stripped of options, I go to the last place I can.
I cannot stress enough what a last resort this was. When I got there, I considered suicide for the first time in my life.
Even God has decided to open his wrath to the Earthrealm.
As I make to escape to reveal my findings to the real world, I notice a tiny glimmer of hope. Near the local security office, I notice a hieroglyph indicating signs of an early rebellion forming.
I hope that they are well enough equipped, I noticed several trucks nearby, with any luck, armed with rocket launchers.
I now relay this message to you, the outside world, in hopes that now you will be prepared for the coming onslaught. I fear that my close proximity to the preliminary warzone has already spelled my doom. Do not grieve, for I die happy knowing that I have relayed this message, knowing that humanity shall live on, post-apocalyptico.
In the meantime, if you see this:
You better get the fuck away.
