Chapter 13: Home and The End
I got back home just in the nick of time to fail that history test again, and then watch my house burn down by a rabid emu. I decided that I would live on the street and become a hobo hunter. I would hunt down, slaughter, and then eat hobos, and make tools out of hobo bones, and wear hobo hide clothes.
Then I woke up, and realized that in reality, my first two books were entirely a big dream. You can bet that freaked the crap out of me. So I rolled over and went back to sleep, which is where my life story ends.
THE END[b][/b]
Maybe.
The collective writings of Robert
last edited by
Chapter 12: TOWER OF DOOM AND DESPAIR THAT ALSO HAS A TIME MACHINE ON TOP OF IT
I traveled across the metal cityworks and jungle deserts to get to the TOWER OF DOOM AND DESPAIR THAT ALSO HAS A TIME MACHINE ON TOP OF IT. I was very scared, because it is common knowledge that all towers have very scary guardian thingies that can kill you. Then I grew a pair and went in the tower to kick some monster ass. I came across a room with two doors. One door was red and led to the real world; one door was blue and led to the dream world. I was like what the hell, and then I went though the wall, because I didn't like either door. Then I found a time machine and totally ruined the mounting anticipation of me fighting a giant lizard king with my laser eye vision beams. Oh well, you kids are just gonna have to deal with it.
I traveled across the metal cityworks and jungle deserts to get to the TOWER OF DOOM AND DESPAIR THAT ALSO HAS A TIME MACHINE ON TOP OF IT. I was very scared, because it is common knowledge that all towers have very scary guardian thingies that can kill you. Then I grew a pair and went in the tower to kick some monster ass. I came across a room with two doors. One door was red and led to the real world; one door was blue and led to the dream world. I was like what the hell, and then I went though the wall, because I didn't like either door. Then I found a time machine and totally ruined the mounting anticipation of me fighting a giant lizard king with my laser eye vision beams. Oh well, you kids are just gonna have to deal with it.
last edited by
Chapter 11: 3102
The year 3102 is a very strange place. Cars no longer drove on roads, the flew though the air. People no longer slept at night, they slept during the day. Dogs no longer humped people's legs, people humped their legs. Okay, that last one was actually just me, but I was doing it in the year 3102, so it counts.
Anyway, I figured I would try to find a way home, so I went to look up any decedents I might have. So I found the 32nd century equivalent of a phone book, (I believe is was called an 'intar-web box machine.) and I found the only entry under Vanpillenillenstein, Klektar. He lived in Neo Anarbor, so I hauled butt down there to go meet him.
On my way there, I stopped to buy a copy of the World Almanac, so I could look up who won which Superbowls and World Series and bet like a million dollars on them and become rich. But the text document store only accepted Earth Standard Credits, and wouldn't take my money. So I tried to pull out his heart though his left nostril, but he had an anti-heart-out-of-left-nostril machine, so I had to leave.
I got to Klektar's house, and found out that he was a half robot. I thought that this was cool, so I decided to get special augmentative surgery and got laser eyes. So if you mess with me, I'll fry you with my eye beams, bizzach.
I asked Klektar if he had a time machine handy so that I could get home and go to sleep and stuff. He said that I had to travel to the top of the TOWER OF DOOM AND DESPAIR THAT ALSO HAS A TIME MACHINE ON TOP OF IT. So I started my epic journey to the TOWER OF DOOM AND DESPAIR THAT ALSO HAS A TIME MACHINE ON TOP OF IT.
The year 3102 is a very strange place. Cars no longer drove on roads, the flew though the air. People no longer slept at night, they slept during the day. Dogs no longer humped people's legs, people humped their legs. Okay, that last one was actually just me, but I was doing it in the year 3102, so it counts.
Anyway, I figured I would try to find a way home, so I went to look up any decedents I might have. So I found the 32nd century equivalent of a phone book, (I believe is was called an 'intar-web box machine.) and I found the only entry under Vanpillenillenstein, Klektar. He lived in Neo Anarbor, so I hauled butt down there to go meet him.
On my way there, I stopped to buy a copy of the World Almanac, so I could look up who won which Superbowls and World Series and bet like a million dollars on them and become rich. But the text document store only accepted Earth Standard Credits, and wouldn't take my money. So I tried to pull out his heart though his left nostril, but he had an anti-heart-out-of-left-nostril machine, so I had to leave.
I got to Klektar's house, and found out that he was a half robot. I thought that this was cool, so I decided to get special augmentative surgery and got laser eyes. So if you mess with me, I'll fry you with my eye beams, bizzach.
I asked Klektar if he had a time machine handy so that I could get home and go to sleep and stuff. He said that I had to travel to the top of the TOWER OF DOOM AND DESPAIR THAT ALSO HAS A TIME MACHINE ON TOP OF IT. So I started my epic journey to the TOWER OF DOOM AND DESPAIR THAT ALSO HAS A TIME MACHINE ON TOP OF IT.
last edited by
Steve...
I can't even give you member awards for that.
Have a lifetime supply of my special cookies, or I'll rip your spine out through your anus and your heart through your left nostril simultaneously.
I can't even give you member awards for that.
Have a lifetime supply of my special cookies, or I'll rip your spine out through your anus and your heart through your left nostril simultaneously.
last edited by
SS 2: Super Awesome Man
Once upon a time, there was this super hero, named Super Awesome Man.
This wasn't any normal super hero. He had Super Awesome powers. Like the ability to break a man in half using just his left testicle. Ok, not really, but if it was possible, he'd be able to do it. But he has the ability to shoot projectile vomiting at people. Not just any type of vomit, it was SUPER ACIDIC VOMIT (patent pending)
So this one day, Super Awesome Man was walking down the street, dressed as a normal person, ya know so people don't always ask him for autographs and stuff. But anyways, he was walking down the street, and this dude came up behind him and was all "Hey man, give me all your money and your wallet" and stuff. So Super Awesome Man turned around and shot his SUPER ACIDIC VOMIT (patent pending) right in his face. Then the dude was all "AAAHH!!!! AAAAAAAHH!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHH" and then he fell over, and his faced had melted off. Then Super Awesome Man took his size 15 shoe and shoved it right up the dude's ass. He stuck it so far up there, that the dude started pooping out of his mouth and stuff. Needless to say, the dude died. Then Super Awesome Man took the dude's carcass and shoved it in a trashbag and shipped it to Zimbabwe. He didn't know why he did that, but he just did, ok?
After his brush with evil, Super Awesome Man did like he always does. He celebrated by throwing a huge keggar at his house, and everyone and their grandmother showed up. They had a Super Awesome time.
The moral of the story: If you ever attempt to rob somebody, wear a face mask, cuz they just might possess SUPER ACIDIC VOMIT (patent pending)
Once upon a time, there was this super hero, named Super Awesome Man.
This wasn't any normal super hero. He had Super Awesome powers. Like the ability to break a man in half using just his left testicle. Ok, not really, but if it was possible, he'd be able to do it. But he has the ability to shoot projectile vomiting at people. Not just any type of vomit, it was SUPER ACIDIC VOMIT (patent pending)
So this one day, Super Awesome Man was walking down the street, dressed as a normal person, ya know so people don't always ask him for autographs and stuff. But anyways, he was walking down the street, and this dude came up behind him and was all "Hey man, give me all your money and your wallet" and stuff. So Super Awesome Man turned around and shot his SUPER ACIDIC VOMIT (patent pending) right in his face. Then the dude was all "AAAHH!!!! AAAAAAAHH!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHH" and then he fell over, and his faced had melted off. Then Super Awesome Man took his size 15 shoe and shoved it right up the dude's ass. He stuck it so far up there, that the dude started pooping out of his mouth and stuff. Needless to say, the dude died. Then Super Awesome Man took the dude's carcass and shoved it in a trashbag and shipped it to Zimbabwe. He didn't know why he did that, but he just did, ok?
After his brush with evil, Super Awesome Man did like he always does. He celebrated by throwing a huge keggar at his house, and everyone and their grandmother showed up. They had a Super Awesome time.
The moral of the story: If you ever attempt to rob somebody, wear a face mask, cuz they just might possess SUPER ACIDIC VOMIT (patent pending)
last edited by
SS 1: Bubbles the Clown
Once, there was this clown named Bubbles. They called him Bubbles because he used bubbles to entertain kids. Not regular bubbles, but ass bubbles. Bubbles the clown had chronic diarrhea, but he loved entertaining children, it was his childhood dream. So one day, he bought a clown suit and an ad in the paper, and began doing what he loved. As he blew bubbles with his ass juice, the children would laugh, and sing a song. It went a little something like this, "Bubbles, oh Bubbles. How does your ass make bubbles? Bubbles, oh Bubbles. Those bubbles you make smell funny" Ok, so the kids weren't very good at rhyming, but it was a song nonetheless.
Then one day, as he was doing his routine consisting of making animals out of the bubbles, a man from the OFFICIAL CLOWN ASSOCIATION walked in. He did not think that Bubbles' routine was entertaining. He beat Bubbles in the head with his OFFICIAL CLOWN BEATING BAT and arrested him. The children cried as Bubbles was sent away. He was convicted of impersonating a clown, (because Bubbles didn't know you had to have a license) and of endangering the health of youth. He's currently serving 5 years in prison, where he entertains the in-mates with his magical butt bubbles.
The End
Once, there was this clown named Bubbles. They called him Bubbles because he used bubbles to entertain kids. Not regular bubbles, but ass bubbles. Bubbles the clown had chronic diarrhea, but he loved entertaining children, it was his childhood dream. So one day, he bought a clown suit and an ad in the paper, and began doing what he loved. As he blew bubbles with his ass juice, the children would laugh, and sing a song. It went a little something like this, "Bubbles, oh Bubbles. How does your ass make bubbles? Bubbles, oh Bubbles. Those bubbles you make smell funny" Ok, so the kids weren't very good at rhyming, but it was a song nonetheless.
Then one day, as he was doing his routine consisting of making animals out of the bubbles, a man from the OFFICIAL CLOWN ASSOCIATION walked in. He did not think that Bubbles' routine was entertaining. He beat Bubbles in the head with his OFFICIAL CLOWN BEATING BAT and arrested him. The children cried as Bubbles was sent away. He was convicted of impersonating a clown, (because Bubbles didn't know you had to have a license) and of endangering the health of youth. He's currently serving 5 years in prison, where he entertains the in-mates with his magical butt bubbles.
The End
last edited by
RANT 1: Thanksgiving
I feel sorry for Great Britain. They have no thanksgiving.
We should give them a thanksgiving.
We can bomb them every day for an entire year. Except for one day, we don't bomb them for 1 day. That day, they will be thankful for not being bombed, and that will become their thanksgiving.
Or it might become "Bomb America Back" day.
I feel sorry for Great Britain. They have no thanksgiving.
We should give them a thanksgiving.
We can bomb them every day for an entire year. Except for one day, we don't bomb them for 1 day. That day, they will be thankful for not being bombed, and that will become their thanksgiving.
Or it might become "Bomb America Back" day.
last edited by
RANT 2: Beef Days
Vegetarians can have celebrations for their lack of meat, why can I not have a BEEF celebration?
An entire day-NO, week- NAY, MONTH, dedicated to the joy of eating beef. Every week, I could slaughter another cow, use its hide to make various expensive leather items, and sell them as stolen goods at the flea market, and eat all the meat.
Oooh.... I love meat. Just thinking about it makes me happy.
I love it so much, I'm gonna open a beef orchard. Yes, that's right. An orchard. I will genetically enhance apple trees to grow BEEF instead of apples. Oh, think of the possibilities...
Then I could get into weird combinations of meat, like BORK (beef + pork) or cheef (beef-flavored chicken). We could have an endless supply of meat for Beef month.
Hell, why stop there? EVERY month could be Beef month! We could genetically enhance OURSELVES go grow meat, like a tree! I wouldn't have to wait to get home to eat meat, I could just peel it off of myself and bam! Instant ham sandwich. Or I could pick the Beefles (beef-apples) that would grow forth from my head like beans, and eat those. Of course, it would come pre-cooked, because meat's always better when it doesn't give you E. Coli.
i could open a store to sell these Beefles while i work on gene-therapy to replace the skin growing genes with beef growing ones. the store could be called "BEEFLAND". I could have all sorts of products, not just food. Like.... well... forks and plates made from beef, so you don't have to clean up, just eat them. Oh, and beef-flavored gum, for when you can't actually eat meat.
Every Friday, we would have a live calf slaughtering in the main department. First 20 people get dibs on whatever parts they want. The rest would be packaged for sale.
I guess I could carry beef substitutes for those vegan- eh, who am I kidding. I would shoot whoever I see pick up the beef substitute on sight. I mean, it's just not the same. I've tried those fake burgers before. Tofu can suck my ass.
I hate people that eat tofu. It's so bland. I mean, if God didn't want us to eat animals, they'd be made out of rubber. Or tofu. Why do they condone the consumption of plants, but not animals? Plants are alive to... they have feelings, we just can't see them.
We should hold an anti-plant eating campaign. It's cruel to waste so many helpless plants. At least the animals have a chance to fight back when we kill them, I would know. I've had my share of hooves to the face, and being kicked in the nuts while the virgin fights to get free... but that's a different kind of slaughtering, which I won't get into here.
Vegetarians can have celebrations for their lack of meat, why can I not have a BEEF celebration?
An entire day-NO, week- NAY, MONTH, dedicated to the joy of eating beef. Every week, I could slaughter another cow, use its hide to make various expensive leather items, and sell them as stolen goods at the flea market, and eat all the meat.
Oooh.... I love meat. Just thinking about it makes me happy.
I love it so much, I'm gonna open a beef orchard. Yes, that's right. An orchard. I will genetically enhance apple trees to grow BEEF instead of apples. Oh, think of the possibilities...
Then I could get into weird combinations of meat, like BORK (beef + pork) or cheef (beef-flavored chicken). We could have an endless supply of meat for Beef month.
Hell, why stop there? EVERY month could be Beef month! We could genetically enhance OURSELVES go grow meat, like a tree! I wouldn't have to wait to get home to eat meat, I could just peel it off of myself and bam! Instant ham sandwich. Or I could pick the Beefles (beef-apples) that would grow forth from my head like beans, and eat those. Of course, it would come pre-cooked, because meat's always better when it doesn't give you E. Coli.
i could open a store to sell these Beefles while i work on gene-therapy to replace the skin growing genes with beef growing ones. the store could be called "BEEFLAND". I could have all sorts of products, not just food. Like.... well... forks and plates made from beef, so you don't have to clean up, just eat them. Oh, and beef-flavored gum, for when you can't actually eat meat.
Every Friday, we would have a live calf slaughtering in the main department. First 20 people get dibs on whatever parts they want. The rest would be packaged for sale.
I guess I could carry beef substitutes for those vegan- eh, who am I kidding. I would shoot whoever I see pick up the beef substitute on sight. I mean, it's just not the same. I've tried those fake burgers before. Tofu can suck my ass.
I hate people that eat tofu. It's so bland. I mean, if God didn't want us to eat animals, they'd be made out of rubber. Or tofu. Why do they condone the consumption of plants, but not animals? Plants are alive to... they have feelings, we just can't see them.
We should hold an anti-plant eating campaign. It's cruel to waste so many helpless plants. At least the animals have a chance to fight back when we kill them, I would know. I've had my share of hooves to the face, and being kicked in the nuts while the virgin fights to get free... but that's a different kind of slaughtering, which I won't get into here.
last edited by
I think you just earned ANOTHER lifetime's supply of my cookies.
That's right; when you get reincarnated, YOU STILL FUCKING GET MY COOKIES.
=D
Dude, the beef one is amazing. I'm totally being his assistant on that.
That's right; when you get reincarnated, YOU STILL FUCKING GET MY COOKIES.
=D
Dude, the beef one is amazing. I'm totally being his assistant on that.
last edited by
My friend Robert IS still around, you know. I just don't talk to him much lately, mostly because the last time I hung out with him, he spent four hours talking about how he was gonna punch my balls so hard I wouldn't feel it until one year and nine months later.
Wait... OH FU...
Wait... OH FU...
