Well, I was telling my friend Robert about this place the other day, and mentioned how we're all writers, and creativity is encouraged. Well, he jumped on that, and demanded that I post some of his writings here for you all to 'enjoy'. Be aware, that, while his writings are, indeed, brilliant, they could also be confused for ramblings of a madman, as most true genius is often mistaken for.
He's written several small short stories, and two larger works. He's informed me to post his first Novel, and, based on how well it goes over, expose you to the greater, second half of his brilliance. I may decide to pepper in liberal amounts of his smaller works, as well.
So, without further introduction: ROBERT'S BIG NOVEL, BOOK ONE OF TWO:
The collective writings of Robert
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"ROBERT'S BIG NOVEL: BOOK ONE OF TWO
BY: ROBERT VANPILLENILLENSTIEN
Chapter 1: said the monkey
If there was ever such a thing, I'd have to kill it. That's what my teacher said every day before school started. So I made one, and brought it to class. And he killed it. And I was like, "Dude! I spent all night making that!" and he was like "Well I don't care! You know I said I'd kill it if I ever saw such a thing!" So I punched him in the groin. My stove fell off its hinges yesterday. Without his groin, he could never teach class. So a giant lizard king appeared from the intergalactic portal we built last year. He said "GAAAAAHEEELDEERRFFACKLABLEEAP!" which was some alien language that I didn't understand. So I punched him in the groin as well.
Without his groin intact, he could not pass through the portal. So he had to stay on earth, which eventually killed him, because he's allergic to oxygen, it turned out. We dissected his body in gym class one day after school, so I could find a gull bladder.
The next day, as I flew to Mars, I was thinking about what I had previously written down in this novel. It was not what I have written down now, so I will pretend like the things I have written down now are not here, and start over.
BY: ROBERT VANPILLENILLENSTIEN
Chapter 1: said the monkey
If there was ever such a thing, I'd have to kill it. That's what my teacher said every day before school started. So I made one, and brought it to class. And he killed it. And I was like, "Dude! I spent all night making that!" and he was like "Well I don't care! You know I said I'd kill it if I ever saw such a thing!" So I punched him in the groin. My stove fell off its hinges yesterday. Without his groin, he could never teach class. So a giant lizard king appeared from the intergalactic portal we built last year. He said "GAAAAAHEEELDEERRFFACKLABLEEAP!" which was some alien language that I didn't understand. So I punched him in the groin as well.
Without his groin intact, he could not pass through the portal. So he had to stay on earth, which eventually killed him, because he's allergic to oxygen, it turned out. We dissected his body in gym class one day after school, so I could find a gull bladder.
The next day, as I flew to Mars, I was thinking about what I had previously written down in this novel. It was not what I have written down now, so I will pretend like the things I have written down now are not here, and start over.
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Chapter 3: I don't
Believe it!" She said, as she stormed out. I said that I was sorry, but it didn't help. I guess I'll never understand the ladies. After finding buried treasure, I sailed across the ocean to my favorite tavern, the Unlucky Dog. They call it the Unlucky Dog because a dog lost his manhood and one leg there when it first opened. They have the leg and the, uh, "manhood" hanging above the front door.
It turned out that the Unlucky Dog had closed down about 2000 years ago, and that I wasn't a pirate at all, I was a ballet dancer. But I didn't want to look weird, so I quit ballet for the job of vigilante. My first assignment was to kill my mother, so I decided that being a vigilante wasn't for me. So I traded that job for that of a short order cook.
It was there that I met Frank. Frank was the best underground freestyle rapper, known for his awkward rhymes, and his odd use of the word "humina". I remember it like it was yesterday; he walked into the restaurant and said,
"YO! Humina humina ho! I walk into this place, and order some food for my face! Some soup and crackas, you skanky bitch, or I'll beat you in the eye with my nine inch!"
Needless to say, I was speechless. His fluent use of the word humina, and the threat to be beaten with his genitals blew me away. I asked him, "Hey, kid, what's your name?" He replied, "I'm Frank, you mofo. I come from down below, to get some food yo. I'm quite parched, like a frickin' lark, now gimme' some eats, or I'll beat you with my meat!" Again, with the references to his genitals...
So I gave him some food and stuff. And he gave me some money, and continued to freestyle rap.
Then the secret service came, and shot him in the ass with a grappling hook, and pulled out his lower intestine. Needless to say, he died. That was the end of Frank.
I sort of miss Frank. Wait, no I don't. He threatened me with his genitals too much. Oh well.
Believe it!" She said, as she stormed out. I said that I was sorry, but it didn't help. I guess I'll never understand the ladies. After finding buried treasure, I sailed across the ocean to my favorite tavern, the Unlucky Dog. They call it the Unlucky Dog because a dog lost his manhood and one leg there when it first opened. They have the leg and the, uh, "manhood" hanging above the front door.
It turned out that the Unlucky Dog had closed down about 2000 years ago, and that I wasn't a pirate at all, I was a ballet dancer. But I didn't want to look weird, so I quit ballet for the job of vigilante. My first assignment was to kill my mother, so I decided that being a vigilante wasn't for me. So I traded that job for that of a short order cook.
It was there that I met Frank. Frank was the best underground freestyle rapper, known for his awkward rhymes, and his odd use of the word "humina". I remember it like it was yesterday; he walked into the restaurant and said,
"YO! Humina humina ho! I walk into this place, and order some food for my face! Some soup and crackas, you skanky bitch, or I'll beat you in the eye with my nine inch!"
Needless to say, I was speechless. His fluent use of the word humina, and the threat to be beaten with his genitals blew me away. I asked him, "Hey, kid, what's your name?" He replied, "I'm Frank, you mofo. I come from down below, to get some food yo. I'm quite parched, like a frickin' lark, now gimme' some eats, or I'll beat you with my meat!" Again, with the references to his genitals...
So I gave him some food and stuff. And he gave me some money, and continued to freestyle rap.
Then the secret service came, and shot him in the ass with a grappling hook, and pulled out his lower intestine. Needless to say, he died. That was the end of Frank.
I sort of miss Frank. Wait, no I don't. He threatened me with his genitals too much. Oh well.
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Chapter 2: Stove is a Verb
So I was stoving down the sidewalk yesterday, and decided to stove a stover for good luck. My old stover had stoved out on me yesterday, so I obviously had to stove a new one. Without a stover, I could not stove, stove, or even stove. It would take two weeks, said the stover seller, for my stover to stove here. I could hardly stove at night, waiting for my stover to stove here. I stoved almost every day, but now I cannot, because my stover is stoved.
So I stoved stoving, then I stoved into a large man, on his way to the movie theatre. I stoved him in the leg, and then in a life threatening area. He stoved. Then, his ghost stoved from the dead, and stoved me three wishes. First, I stoved for a new stover, so I could stove stoving. My second wish was for a woman to appear, and begin stoving me. This did not stove, because the ghost could not stove such things, he stoved.
As I continued stoving, I suddenly stoved, and stoved over into the street. A car stoved me over, and I stoved. Then I stoved into a ghost, and began stoving people with my magic stoving abilities, which I stoved when I stoved a ghost. "Why can't you just stove it?" stoved the nurse, who was stoving my vital signs when I stoved up in the hospital. Apparently, my stoving powers were just a dream. I was sad, and stoved her in the face. It went all over, and stoved down her neck, the blood did.
So I was stoving down the sidewalk yesterday, and decided to stove a stover for good luck. My old stover had stoved out on me yesterday, so I obviously had to stove a new one. Without a stover, I could not stove, stove, or even stove. It would take two weeks, said the stover seller, for my stover to stove here. I could hardly stove at night, waiting for my stover to stove here. I stoved almost every day, but now I cannot, because my stover is stoved.
So I stoved stoving, then I stoved into a large man, on his way to the movie theatre. I stoved him in the leg, and then in a life threatening area. He stoved. Then, his ghost stoved from the dead, and stoved me three wishes. First, I stoved for a new stover, so I could stove stoving. My second wish was for a woman to appear, and begin stoving me. This did not stove, because the ghost could not stove such things, he stoved.
As I continued stoving, I suddenly stoved, and stoved over into the street. A car stoved me over, and I stoved. Then I stoved into a ghost, and began stoving people with my magic stoving abilities, which I stoved when I stoved a ghost. "Why can't you just stove it?" stoved the nurse, who was stoving my vital signs when I stoved up in the hospital. Apparently, my stoving powers were just a dream. I was sad, and stoved her in the face. It went all over, and stoved down her neck, the blood did.
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Chapter 1: said the monkey
If there was ever such a thing, I'd have to kill it. That's what my teacher said every day before school started. So I made one, and brought it to class. And he killed it. And I was like, "Dude! I spent all night making that!" and he was like "Well I don't care! You know I said I'd kill it if I ever saw such a thing!" So I punched him in the groin. My stove fell off its hinges yesterday. Without his groin, he could never teach class. So a giant lizard king appeared from the intergalactic portal we built last year. He said "GAAAAAHEEELDEERRFFACKLABLEEAP!" which was some alien language that I didn't understand. So I punched him in the groin as well.
Without his groin intact, he could not pass through the portal. So he had to stay on earth, which eventually killed him, because he's allergic to oxygen, it turned out. We dissected his body in gym class one day after school, so I could find a gull bladder.
As it turned out, it WAS in fact what I had written down. Now, we pick up where I left off. I was flying to Mars, and I was thinking about what I had previously written down. As we already know, what I thought was written down was written down, but I did not think that it was what was written down, so I wrote it down, but it turned out it was in fact what was previously written down.
Suddenly, I sneezed. And stuff went everywhere. I was in space, where there is no gravity, so it just floated around in the air. As I tried to wipe it up, I got a call from my step uncle, whom I've not seen in almost four years. He said, "I've finally finished it!" This made no sense to me, so I ejected him from the cargo bay.
After finishing my soup, I made it to Venus. Then I realized I wanted to go to Mars, so I left for Mars. I accidentally hit my step uncle's frozen body, breaking it into millions of pieces, which was pretty cool looking. So I rewinded time, and watched it again.
Then the intergalactic police arrested me for altering with time again. This was my third offense in technically one second, because I was altering time, and they all happened at the same time, technically. I was sentenced to 100 years in jail. So I just altered time, and it went by in about three seconds. It was pretty cool.
So anyways, I FINALLY make it to Mars. Then I realize I left my keys at home, so I flew back to Earth. Then I realize they were in my pocket, and then I got so frustrated, I shot somebody in the leg. Then I shot him again, this time in a life threatening area. Then I woke up, and realized everything I have just written down was a dream. I then became so angered, I really shot somebody in the leg, and then in a life threatening area.
I then figured I better get rid of his body, so I drug it outside, and started shooting it, so it looked like a gang murder. Here in my town, if you find a body murdered by a gang, you get like 300 dollars. So I shot his body up, and turned it in, and got my 300 dollars.
After putting the 300 dollars under a brick outside the police station, that's where I always hide my money, I decided to go home and sleep, because that's what I always do after I kill somebody for money.
As I slept, three wars came and gone, and the earth was destroyed, and rebuilt. I sleep in space. I have a space blanket, so it keeps me warm. Except for when the giant space coolers come around, then it gets cold. But I have an anti space cooler machine with me most times, so they stay away. Usually.
If there was ever such a thing, I'd have to kill it. That's what my teacher said every day before school started. So I made one, and brought it to class. And he killed it. And I was like, "Dude! I spent all night making that!" and he was like "Well I don't care! You know I said I'd kill it if I ever saw such a thing!" So I punched him in the groin. My stove fell off its hinges yesterday. Without his groin, he could never teach class. So a giant lizard king appeared from the intergalactic portal we built last year. He said "GAAAAAHEEELDEERRFFACKLABLEEAP!" which was some alien language that I didn't understand. So I punched him in the groin as well.
Without his groin intact, he could not pass through the portal. So he had to stay on earth, which eventually killed him, because he's allergic to oxygen, it turned out. We dissected his body in gym class one day after school, so I could find a gull bladder.
As it turned out, it WAS in fact what I had written down. Now, we pick up where I left off. I was flying to Mars, and I was thinking about what I had previously written down. As we already know, what I thought was written down was written down, but I did not think that it was what was written down, so I wrote it down, but it turned out it was in fact what was previously written down.
Suddenly, I sneezed. And stuff went everywhere. I was in space, where there is no gravity, so it just floated around in the air. As I tried to wipe it up, I got a call from my step uncle, whom I've not seen in almost four years. He said, "I've finally finished it!" This made no sense to me, so I ejected him from the cargo bay.
After finishing my soup, I made it to Venus. Then I realized I wanted to go to Mars, so I left for Mars. I accidentally hit my step uncle's frozen body, breaking it into millions of pieces, which was pretty cool looking. So I rewinded time, and watched it again.
Then the intergalactic police arrested me for altering with time again. This was my third offense in technically one second, because I was altering time, and they all happened at the same time, technically. I was sentenced to 100 years in jail. So I just altered time, and it went by in about three seconds. It was pretty cool.
So anyways, I FINALLY make it to Mars. Then I realize I left my keys at home, so I flew back to Earth. Then I realize they were in my pocket, and then I got so frustrated, I shot somebody in the leg. Then I shot him again, this time in a life threatening area. Then I woke up, and realized everything I have just written down was a dream. I then became so angered, I really shot somebody in the leg, and then in a life threatening area.
I then figured I better get rid of his body, so I drug it outside, and started shooting it, so it looked like a gang murder. Here in my town, if you find a body murdered by a gang, you get like 300 dollars. So I shot his body up, and turned it in, and got my 300 dollars.
After putting the 300 dollars under a brick outside the police station, that's where I always hide my money, I decided to go home and sleep, because that's what I always do after I kill somebody for money.
As I slept, three wars came and gone, and the earth was destroyed, and rebuilt. I sleep in space. I have a space blanket, so it keeps me warm. Except for when the giant space coolers come around, then it gets cold. But I have an anti space cooler machine with me most times, so they stay away. Usually.
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Chapter 5: um...
Yellow. That was my favorite color, until I stared at the sun too long. Then my favorite color became black, because that was all I could see for half an hour. After my vision came back, I noticed that I wasn't wearing any pants. Then I realized my vision wasn't back, and I was hallucinating. Then my vision REALLY came back, and I was in fact wearing pants, which is good.
After finishing the soup I stole from an old lady, I punched a goat in the head. Then the goat began chasing me, so I killed it with a nine iron, and ate it raw. Somebody saw me doing so, and called me a crazy person, so I killed them as well. I stabbed them in the face with a soldering iron, and pooped in the wound. I then developed mad cow disease, and began running around like a crazed lunatic that was wild, all around town. I was just running and screaming, and punching people in the groin, and defecating in various places. It was fun.
Then, I woke up in the city park, butt naked, spooning with a giant squirrel. Then I REALLY woke up, and I was back at my house, not spooning with anything.
After about a month of meditation, I came to the realization that my previous efforts to rule the world were all fruitless for one reason- I wasn't wearing any pants. The obvious way to fix this was to go out and buy pants. BUT! This is harder than it appears.
In order to purchase pants, one must first be WEARING pants to get into the store. So, I had to resort to my ninja skills, to break in and steal a pair of pants. BUT YET AGAIN, my plans are foiled, for they have an anti-ninja alarm system. Immediately after entering through the top ventilation shafts, I am attacked by seemingly harmless baby birds. BUT! If one is to wait approximately six to nine months, these baby birds can peck through your skull!
I, of course, made the mistake of waiting this approximately six to nine months (it took about seven and a half), and the managed to give me a lobotomy. The time it took me to de-lobotomize myself was so long, I had forgotten what I was going to steal. Perhaps it had something to do with waiting approximately six to nine months, and then getting a lobotomy by baby birds. I don't know. Then I remembered what my problem was, I was not wearing any pants, and so I continued with my mission.
I dove down the ventilation shaft with my ninja-like stealth and over-all awesomeness. I crawled along, in the dark, with just my keen sense of smell guiding me. I reached my target, the pants rack. Just as I suspected, there was a man pretending to be buying pants, but he was really a guard who had been alarmed after I evaded their seemingly harmless baby bird anti-ninja security system.
So, naturally, I jump down onto his back, and ripped out his spine through his anus. After disabling the enemy, I begin looking through the various racks of pants. Finding the perfect pair, I put them on, and rip out that annoying tag in the back that sits right at the top of your crack, and itches and tickles you all day, until you just stop in the middle of whatever you're doing, and try to rip it out. But NOOOO, they make it so hard to get out, and you end up just looking dumb for playing with your ass in the middle of the street or something.
Anyways, after putting on these pants, I quickly race back up the tunnel with my leet ninja skills, and jump onto the street below. I then go into the store, and purchase a second pair of pants. The clerk pretends not to notice that I am still holding his coworker's spinal cord and head in my hand, as he rings up the pair of pants.
"23 dollars, sir." He says to me. Twenty-three dollars for a fricking pair of pants. This simply cannot do. So, I use my ninja skills and rip out his spine as well. When I get home, I make a really cool looking hat and cane out of the two spines and two heads that I recently acquired, which coincidentally look very keen with my new pants as well.
And that, kids, is how I came to own this pair of pants, and very keen hat made from real human skin, and this very keen cane made from human vertebrae.
Yellow. That was my favorite color, until I stared at the sun too long. Then my favorite color became black, because that was all I could see for half an hour. After my vision came back, I noticed that I wasn't wearing any pants. Then I realized my vision wasn't back, and I was hallucinating. Then my vision REALLY came back, and I was in fact wearing pants, which is good.
After finishing the soup I stole from an old lady, I punched a goat in the head. Then the goat began chasing me, so I killed it with a nine iron, and ate it raw. Somebody saw me doing so, and called me a crazy person, so I killed them as well. I stabbed them in the face with a soldering iron, and pooped in the wound. I then developed mad cow disease, and began running around like a crazed lunatic that was wild, all around town. I was just running and screaming, and punching people in the groin, and defecating in various places. It was fun.
Then, I woke up in the city park, butt naked, spooning with a giant squirrel. Then I REALLY woke up, and I was back at my house, not spooning with anything.
After about a month of meditation, I came to the realization that my previous efforts to rule the world were all fruitless for one reason- I wasn't wearing any pants. The obvious way to fix this was to go out and buy pants. BUT! This is harder than it appears.
In order to purchase pants, one must first be WEARING pants to get into the store. So, I had to resort to my ninja skills, to break in and steal a pair of pants. BUT YET AGAIN, my plans are foiled, for they have an anti-ninja alarm system. Immediately after entering through the top ventilation shafts, I am attacked by seemingly harmless baby birds. BUT! If one is to wait approximately six to nine months, these baby birds can peck through your skull!
I, of course, made the mistake of waiting this approximately six to nine months (it took about seven and a half), and the managed to give me a lobotomy. The time it took me to de-lobotomize myself was so long, I had forgotten what I was going to steal. Perhaps it had something to do with waiting approximately six to nine months, and then getting a lobotomy by baby birds. I don't know. Then I remembered what my problem was, I was not wearing any pants, and so I continued with my mission.
I dove down the ventilation shaft with my ninja-like stealth and over-all awesomeness. I crawled along, in the dark, with just my keen sense of smell guiding me. I reached my target, the pants rack. Just as I suspected, there was a man pretending to be buying pants, but he was really a guard who had been alarmed after I evaded their seemingly harmless baby bird anti-ninja security system.
So, naturally, I jump down onto his back, and ripped out his spine through his anus. After disabling the enemy, I begin looking through the various racks of pants. Finding the perfect pair, I put them on, and rip out that annoying tag in the back that sits right at the top of your crack, and itches and tickles you all day, until you just stop in the middle of whatever you're doing, and try to rip it out. But NOOOO, they make it so hard to get out, and you end up just looking dumb for playing with your ass in the middle of the street or something.
Anyways, after putting on these pants, I quickly race back up the tunnel with my leet ninja skills, and jump onto the street below. I then go into the store, and purchase a second pair of pants. The clerk pretends not to notice that I am still holding his coworker's spinal cord and head in my hand, as he rings up the pair of pants.
"23 dollars, sir." He says to me. Twenty-three dollars for a fricking pair of pants. This simply cannot do. So, I use my ninja skills and rip out his spine as well. When I get home, I make a really cool looking hat and cane out of the two spines and two heads that I recently acquired, which coincidentally look very keen with my new pants as well.
And that, kids, is how I came to own this pair of pants, and very keen hat made from real human skin, and this very keen cane made from human vertebrae.
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Chapter 4: The Chapter after chapter 3
After the death of my grandma, I couldn't feel my legs anymore. So a genie appeared, and granted me three wishes. My first was to get the feeling back in my legs; the second was for him to die. I didn't get a third one.
So anyway, back to my story. I woke up in space, folded my space blanket up, when suddenly, a giant space cooler came up and ate me! And I died."
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This portion of a story was found underneath a rock in a small town in New York City. My father, ROBERT VANPILLENILLENSTIEN Sr. wrote it. He was in fact killed by a space cooler. How he wrote that final sentence, I will never know.
In his honor, I will continue writing this big novel, with my own personal experiences. And remember: Be careful of space coolers, it can happen to YOU!
After the death of my grandma, I couldn't feel my legs anymore. So a genie appeared, and granted me three wishes. My first was to get the feeling back in my legs; the second was for him to die. I didn't get a third one.
So anyway, back to my story. I woke up in space, folded my space blanket up, when suddenly, a giant space cooler came up and ate me! And I died."
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This portion of a story was found underneath a rock in a small town in New York City. My father, ROBERT VANPILLENILLENSTIEN Sr. wrote it. He was in fact killed by a space cooler. How he wrote that final sentence, I will never know.
In his honor, I will continue writing this big novel, with my own personal experiences. And remember: Be careful of space coolers, it can happen to YOU!
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Quote ()
Be aware, that, while his writings are, indeed, brilliant, they could also be confused for ramblings of a madman, as most true genius is often mistaken for.
...... Robert is DNR.EXE in a cheesy disguise damnit! D:
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Quote (Epic)
Just as I suspected, there was a man pretending to be buying pants, but he was really a guard who had been alarmed after I evaded their seemingly harmless baby bird anti-ninja security system.
So, naturally, I jump down onto his back, and ripped out his spine through his anus.
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"ROBERT'S BIG NOVEL: BOOK TWO OF TWO
BY: ROBERT VANPILLENILLENSTIEN
Chapter 6: A job
So I need a job. I need a job in order to obtain money, which I need to buy crap. While I produce my own crap, I seldom use it at the time I have it, so I'll also need a crap container of some sort, which will also cost money. I asked my foreign friend Eric what I would need for a job, and he said, "You-ski néèdë an el-suit-o, mate! Eh?" So I stole a suit from a six year old at a church and put it on for my job interview.
Mr. Smith, the interview guy was a large man wearing jeans and a cowboy hat and eating a doughnut. I asked if I could have a doughnut and he said no. So I scooped his eyes out with a fork and shoved them up his butt. He was like, "Whoa! I can see my own butt!" Then he died. I got to do his job from then on.
The first person I had to interview was this lady named Lisa. Lisa offered to stove me if she could get the job. I said that she couldn't stove me because she was four chapters too late. She was very embarrassed and hit herself on the head with her wooden leg. That is how Lisa the one-legged lady became my secretary at the job interview place.
BY: ROBERT VANPILLENILLENSTIEN
Chapter 6: A job
So I need a job. I need a job in order to obtain money, which I need to buy crap. While I produce my own crap, I seldom use it at the time I have it, so I'll also need a crap container of some sort, which will also cost money. I asked my foreign friend Eric what I would need for a job, and he said, "You-ski néèdë an el-suit-o, mate! Eh?" So I stole a suit from a six year old at a church and put it on for my job interview.
Mr. Smith, the interview guy was a large man wearing jeans and a cowboy hat and eating a doughnut. I asked if I could have a doughnut and he said no. So I scooped his eyes out with a fork and shoved them up his butt. He was like, "Whoa! I can see my own butt!" Then he died. I got to do his job from then on.
The first person I had to interview was this lady named Lisa. Lisa offered to stove me if she could get the job. I said that she couldn't stove me because she was four chapters too late. She was very embarrassed and hit herself on the head with her wooden leg. That is how Lisa the one-legged lady became my secretary at the job interview place.
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Robert was quite excited to hear this kind of positive feedback. He told me that he hasn't been this excited since he learned the Pope has eye beam lasers.
...
And Hiko, never mess with Robert. He's like, crazy ape strong.
At any rate, I present, PART DEUS.
...
And Hiko, never mess with Robert. He's like, crazy ape strong.
At any rate, I present, PART DEUS.
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Chapter 10: Time
The UPS man knocked on my door. I was like, "Hey! Stop knocking on my door, I'm trying to sleep!" and he was like, "Then I get to keep your stupid package!" Well, this just didn't sit well with me, so I stabbed him in the aorta with an ink pen, then pulled his brain out of the wound and made him swallow it. As you might expect, he died.
At this point, I opened up the package he had for me. The box said "AMAZING TIME TRAVEL MACHINE! (Complete with Flux Capacitor!)". I just couldn't wait to explore time and get to punch famous history people in the groin. So I decided to go back to the time of the first Americans, so I could bitch slap Benjamin Franklin or something. I went back to the year 1647. It was there that I met my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather, Pereguin Vanpillenillenstein. Great^18 grand pappy was an inventor, and an avid puritan. By 'avid', I mean, 'He said he was so he could get cheap travel and land in the new world." He invented some very well known things that are still used today, such as; the crescent moon on an outhouse door, the Pet Fart (Which never really took off.) and armpit noise sounds. As you can plainly see, Pereguin was a mighty and influential inventor. Anyway, he was all like, "WHOA! Some dude!" and I was like, "Where's that fatass Franklin?" then we saw each other, and were like, dude. It was crazy.
Anyway, gramps and I went around looking at the new world, so that I could ace my history test I failed last week, but it's really like, a bunch of weeks until it actually comes up in this time, so I get a second chance. We went to what is present day New York City, where there were some weird fish and stuff, so I took a rock, and threw it at the fish, and I missed, but as it turns out, that rock shifted the current of the ocean, so that it formed into New Jersey, so it worked out for everyone. Except the people who live in New Jersey. Sorry about that.
While we were walking around the new world, inventing new things to inflict civilization with, we met a strange man. He screamed at me, "GOD IS WITH US! REPENT OR BURN IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!" Some of his spit hit my face, and I became so angered, I punched him in the groin. This action caused him to rethink his life, and become strongly influenced to bring justice to the common man. This strong tradition was passed down though the generations of his family, until one of them became, ironically, Officer Peabody, the very man whom my own father ran away from, which indirectly led to his death.
Well, when I figured this out, I had to do something about it. So I head butted the guy in the ribcage until it caved in and then ate his lung flesh. He died. This caused a MASSIVE hole in the space-time continuum as I changed history; I fell into the hole and landed in the year 3102.
The UPS man knocked on my door. I was like, "Hey! Stop knocking on my door, I'm trying to sleep!" and he was like, "Then I get to keep your stupid package!" Well, this just didn't sit well with me, so I stabbed him in the aorta with an ink pen, then pulled his brain out of the wound and made him swallow it. As you might expect, he died.
At this point, I opened up the package he had for me. The box said "AMAZING TIME TRAVEL MACHINE! (Complete with Flux Capacitor!)". I just couldn't wait to explore time and get to punch famous history people in the groin. So I decided to go back to the time of the first Americans, so I could bitch slap Benjamin Franklin or something. I went back to the year 1647. It was there that I met my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather, Pereguin Vanpillenillenstein. Great^18 grand pappy was an inventor, and an avid puritan. By 'avid', I mean, 'He said he was so he could get cheap travel and land in the new world." He invented some very well known things that are still used today, such as; the crescent moon on an outhouse door, the Pet Fart (Which never really took off.) and armpit noise sounds. As you can plainly see, Pereguin was a mighty and influential inventor. Anyway, he was all like, "WHOA! Some dude!" and I was like, "Where's that fatass Franklin?" then we saw each other, and were like, dude. It was crazy.
Anyway, gramps and I went around looking at the new world, so that I could ace my history test I failed last week, but it's really like, a bunch of weeks until it actually comes up in this time, so I get a second chance. We went to what is present day New York City, where there were some weird fish and stuff, so I took a rock, and threw it at the fish, and I missed, but as it turns out, that rock shifted the current of the ocean, so that it formed into New Jersey, so it worked out for everyone. Except the people who live in New Jersey. Sorry about that.
While we were walking around the new world, inventing new things to inflict civilization with, we met a strange man. He screamed at me, "GOD IS WITH US! REPENT OR BURN IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!" Some of his spit hit my face, and I became so angered, I punched him in the groin. This action caused him to rethink his life, and become strongly influenced to bring justice to the common man. This strong tradition was passed down though the generations of his family, until one of them became, ironically, Officer Peabody, the very man whom my own father ran away from, which indirectly led to his death.
Well, when I figured this out, I had to do something about it. So I head butted the guy in the ribcage until it caved in and then ate his lung flesh. He died. This caused a MASSIVE hole in the space-time continuum as I changed history; I fell into the hole and landed in the year 3102.
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Chapter 9: Girl of my dreams
The next day, I was eating rancid beef stew, and throwing it back up, and eating it again, and throwing it back up, and eating it again, then pooping it out, then eating it again. Someone said, "Hey! Try eating something else!" I turned to say some very witty comment back to this mystery person, and I saw the girl of my dreams. I ran past the guy who told me to eat something else, making sure that I kicked him in the shin in the process, up to the girl. I said, "Hey, baby, wanna hook up?" She said something I cannot repeat in front of children. I will say it started with an 'f' and ended with an 'uck off'.
My lady situation didn't improve much in the later weeks that followed the weeks of that incident before the weeks of the lady situation. I tried everything. I tried flexing my muscles. I tried kicking them in the head if the didn't go out with me. I tried speaking mean words to them. Nothing worked. I was just about to write off ladies entirely when a woman said that I was funny. Well, I asked her out right away. She still said no, but it brought back my confidence.
One day, while doing my daily yoga exercise (Just an excuse to be naked and flex my body around.), I watched the lottery and found out I won a million dollars. Well, I ran strait down to the lottery place and got my money. A man in a black ski mask said, "Give me the million and I'll grant you three wishes." This was such a good deal I gave him the money, but I forgot what I wanted to wish for, and wished I could remember. My second wish was that I wished I hadn't wished that I could remember, So I forgot, and wished I knew who the guy in the ski mask was. I think that it was a million dollars well spent.
The next day, I was eating rancid beef stew, and throwing it back up, and eating it again, and throwing it back up, and eating it again, then pooping it out, then eating it again. Someone said, "Hey! Try eating something else!" I turned to say some very witty comment back to this mystery person, and I saw the girl of my dreams. I ran past the guy who told me to eat something else, making sure that I kicked him in the shin in the process, up to the girl. I said, "Hey, baby, wanna hook up?" She said something I cannot repeat in front of children. I will say it started with an 'f' and ended with an 'uck off'.
My lady situation didn't improve much in the later weeks that followed the weeks of that incident before the weeks of the lady situation. I tried everything. I tried flexing my muscles. I tried kicking them in the head if the didn't go out with me. I tried speaking mean words to them. Nothing worked. I was just about to write off ladies entirely when a woman said that I was funny. Well, I asked her out right away. She still said no, but it brought back my confidence.
One day, while doing my daily yoga exercise (Just an excuse to be naked and flex my body around.), I watched the lottery and found out I won a million dollars. Well, I ran strait down to the lottery place and got my money. A man in a black ski mask said, "Give me the million and I'll grant you three wishes." This was such a good deal I gave him the money, but I forgot what I wanted to wish for, and wished I could remember. My second wish was that I wished I hadn't wished that I could remember, So I forgot, and wished I knew who the guy in the ski mask was. I think that it was a million dollars well spent.
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Chapter 8: Sr. Jr.
My father in his own blood wrote those words 17 days after he died. How he did it baffles scientists to this day. It is for this reason that I have dedicated this novel's proceeds to the Robert Vanpillenillenstien Sr. Jr. fund.
While I was off on my safari, I ate a tuna sandwich. This turned out to be a bad idea, as I got the runs afterwards. Coincidently, at about this time, I saw the game I was safari hunting: the elusive purple bobble weasel. Due to my runny poop condition, I squatted down in the bush to relive myself. The weasel ran up my back and started chewing on my spinal cord. I said, "HEY! Stop that, you silly purple weasel!" and he was like, "No, I will eat your soul and suck out the juices of you pancreas!" Then I ran around in a field for like a day and a half with a purple weasel on my pancreas while pooping in the field. Actually, it turned out to be rather fun, and now the weasel and I play poker every other Tuesday night.
One day, while I was playing with my yo-yo, a meteor crashed in my back yard. I got so mad, I tried to punch the flaming rock in the groin, but I couldn't, as meteors lack groins. If only it was a comet, then I'd show that meteor who's boss.
My father in his own blood wrote those words 17 days after he died. How he did it baffles scientists to this day. It is for this reason that I have dedicated this novel's proceeds to the Robert Vanpillenillenstien Sr. Jr. fund.
While I was off on my safari, I ate a tuna sandwich. This turned out to be a bad idea, as I got the runs afterwards. Coincidently, at about this time, I saw the game I was safari hunting: the elusive purple bobble weasel. Due to my runny poop condition, I squatted down in the bush to relive myself. The weasel ran up my back and started chewing on my spinal cord. I said, "HEY! Stop that, you silly purple weasel!" and he was like, "No, I will eat your soul and suck out the juices of you pancreas!" Then I ran around in a field for like a day and a half with a purple weasel on my pancreas while pooping in the field. Actually, it turned out to be rather fun, and now the weasel and I play poker every other Tuesday night.
One day, while I was playing with my yo-yo, a meteor crashed in my back yard. I got so mad, I tried to punch the flaming rock in the groin, but I couldn't, as meteors lack groins. If only it was a comet, then I'd show that meteor who's boss.
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Chapter 7: Holy crap
The next day Lisa let this guy in for an interview whose name was Officer Peabody. He did not want a job; he wanted to arrest me for molesting a dead llama in public. So I threw my pants at him to distract him, and Lisa hit him with her leg while I ran away.
I was running pantless down the street when a truck illegally transporting orangutans across the border to sell their feces on the Canadian Black Market hit me. I was laying down on the street when I saw my father, ROBERT VANPILLENILLENSTIEN Sr., Frank the Rapper, Mr. Smith, the giant lizard king, my step uncle, some gang murdered guy, the unlucky dog, my great grandma, a genie, Thomas Jefferson, and Darth Vader. I asked them if I was dead and they said yes."
The next day Lisa let this guy in for an interview whose name was Officer Peabody. He did not want a job; he wanted to arrest me for molesting a dead llama in public. So I threw my pants at him to distract him, and Lisa hit him with her leg while I ran away.
I was running pantless down the street when a truck illegally transporting orangutans across the border to sell their feces on the Canadian Black Market hit me. I was laying down on the street when I saw my father, ROBERT VANPILLENILLENSTIEN Sr., Frank the Rapper, Mr. Smith, the giant lizard king, my step uncle, some gang murdered guy, the unlucky dog, my great grandma, a genie, Thomas Jefferson, and Darth Vader. I asked them if I was dead and they said yes."