this is the theme song

This is the prolouge

Narrator:there was a boy...a boy born of the Varrs...A boy who was half Varr,half neko,they thought he was a curse brought on by the end of their race,they thought he was an accident...soon they found out,he was their savior.Through the years,the boy triumphed and trained in the harshest conditions,such as the Snowlands,Or the Mountains.When he was old enough to become a Crusader,tragedy befell the race,they discovered he had been born of Dark Energy,so they tried to eliminate the boy.But,out of nowhere, a strange creature named Sic Gharten killed his mother,his father and in his plain sight,burned his sister.Enraged,he tries his best to stop him,but is knocked out by the Elder.He soon re-awakens,awakens to find out his entire race had been destroyed.That boy...a new adventure and a world of opportunity opened for him.That boy...his name...was Salieo.
I think you miswrote it... It's DarkFAIL, not DarkFALL.
Yeah, I'd have to agree with Shuryou. Way too cliched, and short for that matter. Not that my fanfic's much better.
Lol, Darkfail.

srsly dude its n gd soz.

Keep try, though.
Congrats. You've just written the introduction to every RPG ever made.

... With all of Youtube as the theme song.

Srsly, lemme break this down.

So he's half catboy. Having cat ears and the amazing ability to draw fanservice from the ether is a harbinger of doom? I never new. Sorry, Aisha. Sorry, Cheshire. I don't love you guys anymore.

So now he's a saviour. He triumphs in various vague offscreen conditions and trains in various nameless-but-still-capitalized locations. He becomes a Crusader, and BAM! He's a curse again. He's already half catboy and half whatever, don't tell me he's half dark too! Oh no! Then, the mysterious antagonist follows procedure and kills/maims his family, then does away with the whateverpeople too.

If your presentation was a lot better, it would be a worthwhile story despite its cookie-cutter "boy with cursed fate quests to avenge race" plot, but I'm afraid bare-bones exposition isn't going to do it. The way I see it, you've just made up a couple of names and tossed them into the medieval-fantasy melting pot. With some effort, you could get a good chapter or so from the sheer bulk of the plot you've hacked away here. Some pointers:

1. WORD PROCESSOR. By George, this is absolutely essential if you want to be taken seriously. It's harder to make spelling mistakes when they're underlined in red. If you don't care enough to correct them even when they're plainly visible (and a mouseclick or three away from being fixed,) you shouldn't be writing a fanfic anyway.

2. Conviction. You're not going to hammer out an entire chapter in one sitting. Get used to it. By making that fit into your lunch break, you've kicked dust in the face of whatever potential it had. Revise as many times as you need ot to make it conhesive, dynamic, and fun to read. Fiction is a great creative outlet, and your paragraph there would make decent notes for outlining the plot, but writing isn;t just for you, it's for the audience. Otherwise, you'd be keeping this to yourself.

3. PLOT. I dunno why I've placed this last, but I hope to Spelly you have the plot thought out in advance. As much as we'd all love to see Salieo bumble his way through five kingdoms until finally coming to an abrupt and clumsy epic struggle with whatsisname, it'll be more satisfying for all parties involved if you build up to whatever dramatic realization is waiting in the wings for our cat-eared-or-tailed friend over the course of the story.

I know, I know, I'm acting much too big for my flattering demin breeches right now. I believe we have some sort of resident Ninja who specializes in the literary arts who would be better able to offer advice and kicks dropside the teeth than me. I specialize in shredding licks, drawing badly, and various foms of punkery, among other things.
I'll send the first episode!
Salieo(Voice-Over):Where am i...?What is my purpose here...?Why was my race destroyed...?Why can't i remember...?These questions,all to be asked soon.
*Rustling in bushes*
Salieo:Hello?*Looks over bushes and sees girl being pinned down by thug*I guess i should help her.After all,I AM a Crusader!Dark blast!*Blast thug to nothing more than a pile of ashes*Are you ok?
Girl:You blew him up...what are you?*Tries to run,but is immdiately grabbed*Get off me!
Salieo:Calm it down.
Girl:How can I?You're kidnapping me!
Salieo:Kidnap?I don't know the meaning of that word...
Girl:Are you even human?
Salieo:What's a human?
Girl:Me.I'm a Human.There a over 1 billion humans in the world.
Salieo:Really?That many?
Girl:Yeah....the world is a crazy mess now-a-days.Now getting back to the matter...let me go!
Salieo:Not after you tell me where I am!
Girl:You're on the planet earth,and this is Haro.You're just in one universe,there are 554 universes in all!Or so to speak.
Salieo:What is your name?
Girl:I'll tell you later.But still,let me go!
Salieo:Later,tell me more about Humans.The female side.
Girl:Uhh...Ok.*blushes slightly*
Salieo:Do you have a cold?
Girl:It's called blushing,it's when a girl likes a boy or something else.
Salieo:Oh really?
Girl:I forgot...we don't have anywhere to live.
Salieo:Let's ask the owner of this...whatever this thing is.
Salieo:*Before knocking on door,owner comes out*
Owner:Oh thank god you're here!Here,you can have this house!I don't want it!Mummies and zombies and.....cat girls....*Mumbling Incoherently and crazily*
Girl:That was totally unexpected.
Salieo:Unexpected.....never heard of it.
Girl:What langauge do you speak?
Salieo:Varranese and English.Mostly Varranese sometimes.
Girl:You're...strange.By the way,what's your name?
Salieo:My name is Salieo,I am of the Ikaten Prophecy,what say you,human girl?
Girl:How OLD are you?
Salieo:128,518.Or earth years,18.
Girl:I'm just 10....You wont hurt me will you?
Salieo:You had a past experience that turned out for the worst.*Pulls out Dark Elixir and drinks it*
Girl:Will you...move your hair out of the way so i can see your face?And what's with those ears on your head?
Salieo:I'm half Varr,half Neko.
Girl:Oh...really?Oh my god,is that Dark Elixir?!
Girl:They way you destroyed that guy...are you evil?
Girl:By the way,my name is Dawn....I used to be a pokemon trainer in Sinnoh.
Salieo:Why come here?
Dawn:It's like something was calling me.It was telling me to come to Haro to start over.
Salieo:You can hear voices...another human trait?
Dawn:What kind of people were your people?
Salieo:I...can't remember...they were.....low class.Unlike me,high class.
Dawn:I heard you saying something about a Crusader earlier.
(Flashback)Salieo:I AM a Crusader!
(Flashback ends)
Dawn:How can you tell...?You can tell that something bad happened to me in the past....
Salieo:What was his name?
Dawn:Are you messing with my mind?
Salieo:You could say that....
Dawn:I'll tell you later....But his name was terrifying to even speak of.
Salieo:Where did he capture you?
Dawn:In the forest we were just in...but i was deeper into the woods.
Salieo:Were you hurt?
Salieo:That'll be enough...It'll reveal itself in time.
Dawn:I uhhh....
Salieo:*Searching in bag*I don't know how this got here...but it has everything i need.
Dawn:(To self):Does it have condoms?
Salieo:Con what?Is that some sort of cloth?
Dawn:I'll explain later.
Salieo:*Finds pendant in bag*What is this?
Dawn:It's beautiful....Can I have it?
Salieo:Have it.It's really tacky looking.
Dawn:It's perfect.Oh,thank you.*Hugs him*
Salieo:What are you doing?
Dawn:Hugging you.You don't know what a hug is?
Salieo:Hug?What's a hug?
Dawn:A sign of affection.
Dawn:You have ALOT to learn.
Salieo:I do.*Finds book in bag*"Human Interactions,the guide that teaches you everything about humans"
Dawn:I bet it doesn't have the one thing that's important.
Salieo:Humans are cloned?
Dawn:No,they're born.From females such as I.I'll show you once I get to know you better.
Dawn:I saw this really cool looking graveyard on the way to the woods.
Salieo:Why go there?Why return to the scene of the incident?
Dawn:I was going to the summer region.
Dawn:You have so much to learn.*Giggles*Better start reading!
Salieo:*Starts reading*

to be continued...
I'd Twitch in absolute horror, except you mentioned Pokemon. In a supposedly original story. Also, the girl is TEN?


That makes me shake my head and sit down in the corner, wishing I could somehow understand how this idiocy came to pass. This idiocy filled with...


Please, find a REASONABLE plot that's SOMEWHAT different from the hundred thousand of other "OMG I SAVE WROLD WILE GETTIN SUM." Especially with a 10 year old. Oh, right. Book of human interactions, for all your trying to make this a pile of Deus ex Machina, you succeeded. It is a steaming heap of crap. Not even slightly disguised crap, it stinks.
Ok,fine then!I'll go make the series without Dawn!
But... Dawns a main character in Diamond/Pearl.

orgnlty pls kthxbai

Did you tl;dr my list? That means too long; didn't read, by the way. That deserves a facekick in itself.

One: Your spelling and grammar are teh sucks. Microsoft Word, dood; it's fail to write a whole story in your browser window without revision.

Two: Wouldn't have been hard at all to click that little checkmark in the toolbar, have it learn "Salieo" so it didn't keep pointing it out, and go on a massive spelling rampage that would kill and replace fully half of the first chapter.

Three: PLAWT. PLAAAAWT. Oh god, there's so much here that almost melts my face off, and I don't mean like Dragonforce's facemelting riffs. The most frightening prospect: Dawn. Good lord, man, she's TEN! Women don't start to "mature" until they're TWELVE, at the earliest! Although, with hormones in food what they are, that might've changed... I doubt it, though. Point is, she's ten and you have her in full nympho mode. Anyone who knows girls in real life can tell you they don't act like that as TEENAGERS, under any circumstances not involving a certain kind of ex. Now, I've been holding back a bit; partly because I don't want to make us look more elitist than we aleady are, partly because of Dawn. If you like ten year old girls, you yourself must be ten or eleven, right? You're either ten or you're a pedophile, and you don't sound like a bear to me.

Either way, it kind of scares me how forward she is. I can tell now more than ever that you're writing this for your sake; you really need a girlfriend if you're going to these lengths.

SECOND ON THE THIRD: Godmoding makes Miek cry. I'm not going to touch more on this subject. I'm just going to shout "REMEMBER, DON'T MAKE YOUR CHARACTER SUPER-POWERFUL!" and hope you hear it.

THIRD ON THE THIRD: The amnesia thing is new. In fact, so is most of it. You can't change the premise without explanation. NEVER change the premise without explanation.

Anyway, since you're young and probably hating the Fates for landing you on the most elitist forum west of /b/, I'm going to hold off on sending Spelly to maul you. But promise you'll give it a little more effort. Please? D:
If you've ever watched One Piece, you'll realise that 3/4 of the main characters are godmodding hackers. It's the way the plot helps balance things out, i.e. Luffy is invincible, so jam his legs in concrete and throw him into the sea.

Therefore, it's left to the less hax people to fend for themselves.



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You're setting sail alright.

I tl;dr'd your extremely drawn-out second chapter. -___- I mean, at least use QUOTATION MARKS.
"Why hello there!" said a man.
"Good day!" responded a woman, also walking down the street in a different direction.
Get the idea?

And. PLEASE practice before you post here: I'd prefer not to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.
I concur with Shur, DarkFail. Read some good fanfics here. Get used to good writing.
Or maybe just READ A BOOK. And/or King's rants...
Ok then,check this one out.

Salieo:*Still reading about Human Interactions*
Dawn:You've been up for the past 2 days reading that thing.Isn't it time to take a break?
Salieo:Too busy.Try again tommorow.
Dawn:You want me to show you that graveyard I saw?It's a really cool tombstone there.
Salieo:You should'nt hang around those things.There might be criminals hiding among them.
Dawn:What's the worse they can do?
Salieo:Try to kill you.And I can't let that happen to a human as beautiful as you.
Dawn:What part are you on anyways?
Salieo:Human romance.
Dawn:How far are you?
Salieo:Very.Let's go to that Graveyard.
at the graveyard...
Dawn:See?This is the tombstone!
Salieo:I sense a weird energy coming from it.
Dawn:Something might be in it....
Salieo:*Senses huge energy force*Something's here besides us....Hide!
Dawn:Don't you have a weapon?
Salieo:I used to be a Blacksmith in Varrasia!I just need some type of metal....*Luckily,a big scrap metal pile is in the bushes*Perfect!*Makes spear out metal and fills it with Dark Energy*This thing'll break soon,so I gotta act fast.
*Weird pulsating*
Salieo:Bring it on!
*Low growling*
Salieo:It's here....can you feel it?
Strange being:*Appears and roars*
Salieo:Ya call that a roar?Check this out,ya harpy!*Roars so loud,a tree falls in the forest*
Strange being:*Cowers*
Salieo:Don't be scared,tall one.It's not your fault.
Strange being:(Telepathy):You,who are you?
Salieo:Why didn't your mouth move?
Strange being:I am Giratina,a legendary deity,considered to be a pokemon,but actually a Ghost Dragon.
Salieo:So you're dead?
Giratina:If I was dead,could I do this?*Bites Tombstone and chucks it far*Tell me,do i scare you?
Salieo:No,but you scared her speechless*
Dawn:N-N-No,y-you d-did,Salieo.
Salieo:Nice.So,Giratina,you're the Graveyard Gaurdian?
Giratina:How did you know.
Salieo:I read it in this book.Each place with a gate with a cross symbol on it,has a graveyard Gaurdian.
Giratina:You're more presistant than the Gaurdian Of Darkness,Schala.She technically feeds off the darkness.
Salieo:So do i.*Drinks Dark Elixir*
Giratina:*Looks at Dawns neck*It cannot be!The Brightshine diamond!
Salieo:Is that a problem?
Giratina:It's a legendary item passed down by the Shine Tribe!
Salieo:So what does Dawn have to do with it?
Giratina:Her name.She's next in line of the Shine tribe!
Giratina:May I have the privilage of joining thee?
Giratina:Your accent is weird...are you Medeivalin?
Dawn:It's actually funny the way he speaks.
Salieo:Nothing's funny about the way I speak!
Giratina:We should head to wherever you came from,then we go find Schala.
Salieo:*Has a flashback of his parents and sister being killed right before his eyes*How could he do such a thing?
Dawn:You had a flashback didn't you?
Giratina:What are you,Salieo?
Salieo:Half varr,Half Neko.
Giratina:I heard the Varrs were wiped out centuries ago.How old are you?
Salieo:128,518.Or earth age,18.
Giratina:I can top that.I'm 500,558.
Salieo:Whats her age?
Both:*Laugh uproarasily*
Dawn:It's not that funny.
Salieo:I know.
Giratina:We thought you were at least 15...NOT!*Laughs*
Dawn:Ah,forget it.Let's go back home.
Salieo:You mean to that crazy guy's house?
Salieo:Welcome to our humble abode.
Giratina:At least I can fit here.
Salieo:How tall are you?
Salieo:Wow.You got us beat.
Dawn:He's scary....
Salieo:Don't be afraid.
Dawn:Oh really?
Salieo:Yeah.*Continues reading*

to be continued...
Dude, you should take these guys advice. If nothing else... At least use space wherever it is necessary... please?
Shut it,Human!I'll take these guy's advice right now.
Erm.... keep try?
Darkrai... You shall be henceforth known as Pedobear. >_>
I tried to help, but I really have to say...

Pedo, that's the biggest pile of fail I've seen. D:

There's something called "godmoding."


I know we all want to be some charming hero with dark powers and a fine lady on each arm, but show a bit of restraint, okay? Otherwise you're just pandering to yourself.

And the whole "I'm not a kid posting on a forum I'm actually Darkrai" thing is getting a mite old. ;>>

This is Gearpunk.
So you're saying...I should Dis-Immortalize Salieo?