Universe Patch 1.2

New Real World Patch 1.2

A new universe improvement patch. The patch goes into effect Monday night May 25th, 2009.

General

-Sunglasses will no longer be necessary due the the new improvement of the human eye.
-There will no longer be different shoe sizes becuase everybody now has the same size 10 foot.
-The Human life span is now increased to 175 years and the average life expectancy to 110 years. Humans will also physically age slower.
-Days will be 25 hours long.
-Premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction has been removed.
-The "a$shole" hormones in males have been significantly decreased.
-The effects of PMS will now last only 13 minutes
-Dogs, cats, ferrets, monkeys, bears, and rabbits are now able to be trained to speak.
-Condems will no longer break.
-It will now become significantly easier to lose weight and to gain muscle mass. This does taper off after while.
-Telekinesis will be significantly easier to learn.
-Although idiots will always exist, thier population has been decreased slightly.
-"Ranks" within military forces have been replaced with "Loyalty Points." Loyalty Points are used as a currency within military forces to buy weapons.
-Flying Cars!? Yes it's true. Flying cars are now able to be purchased but can only be used in designated areas.
-Alcohol is no longer lethal.
-Breast enlargement surgeries now have a slight chance to decrease the imbider's IQ by 9 upon enlargement.
-Down Syndrome is now curable through a series of licking certian species of African frogs.
-There will be Universe Maintenance (UM) every Tuesday from 5am-11am everywhere in the world. During this time, all movement in the world will stop. This will help with the process of decreasing the amount of idiots and keeping tabs on PMS symptoms.
-The internet will now be working properly.
-The finger nails on a human will now turn colors just as those of a mood ring. Black means engry, green means happy, blue means relaxed, yellow means nervous, red means aroused, purple means hungry.
-Females' ears will now turn red when they are aroused, just as males get erections when they are themselves.
-Pulsating rectal fluid is now poisonous.
-Organic foods will now be easier to produce. There will be no more "Pasturized process immitation cheese food substitute" or any of that sort.
-You will now be able to put a small glowing red flag above someones head to signal them as an idiot to the other people surrounding them. The flag lasts for 7 hours.
-Blood will now be silver.
-Babies will cry less.

World Environment

-Global warming now will ACTUALLY happen.
-Gravity will be decreased slightly.
-There will be a new continent in the middle of the Pacific Ocean roughly the size of Europe free for people to name and claim.
-Lightning will now happen even if there is no clouds.
-The freezing point of water has been raised to 36 degrees.
-The Bermuda Triangle is now a square.
-Trees will now grow faster.
-Cheese will now come straight from the cow or goat.
-Earth will now have a second smaller moon.
-Earthquakes will now be predictable by a loud humming noise roughly 2 hours before the earthquake hits.
-Oceans will now feel warmer even though they aren't.
-Area 51 has been replaced with a shopping mall and a Kia Dealership.

Bug Fixes

-The glitch known as AIDS will now properly increase the immune system instead of weakening it.
-Bees will now have larger wings allowing them to fly correctly
-The now "Bermuda Square" will no longer cause things to warp through space and time. Instead, there is now a small island with a Starbucks on it.
-It will now be impossible to split an atom to acquire more energy.
-The bug that sometimes would cause the deceased to still continue to exist in a "ghost" is fixed. No more ghosts.
-The cancer rate has been decreased.
-Marijauna will no longer have it's "high" effect.
-Urine will now generate the "high" effect.
-Dreams will now properly occur EVERY night.
-The "luck" factor will be removed properly.
-Cloning will no longer be possible.
-Karma will now work properly.
-The homosexuality rate has been increased for population control.
-Fixed an issue where ice is slippery.

Everyone knows that in 1.1 dreams were made to happen every night, its just that the memory bug really fucks things up.

And why are they making telekenesis easier again? After almost completely removing the magic system for the optional patch in the 1.1 patch it was made harder.

And whats going to happen to the milker skill? Are they removing it?

With alcohol being no longer lethal...is that directly or are you including all the indirect ways it kills people?

And people will just find ANOTHER way of getting around the bug fixes for cloning, like they did during 1.1....

One last question: Why didnt you fix the crossbreeding bug?

So, in 1.1, they increased the gravity and a fuckload of earthquakes popped up. I'm concerned that with the gravity decrease, skyscrapers would start to levitate and crush the flying cars that are available now. I'm also concerned about the second moon increasing this effect further.

Ah, Universe Maintenance would be a boon to these glitches elements always exploit. Hopefully there will be no more sad attempts to initiate God Mode again.

Ah, fission has been eliminated? This is surprising, since its use as an annihilation tool has been on hold for quite a while. Hopefully we'll get a feasible fusion workaround to work by 1.3. Damn hackers claimed they got fusion, but it's just a lame attempt at cloaking fission again.

But then, where will the milk people get theirs? The world isn't populated by cheese-eating babies, admins. Fix it.

and all of these changes and shamans still haven't been nerfed...

man, all this, and they haven't fixed koalas? those things are so OP it's not even funny.

Quote (Hiko)

New Real World Patch 1.2

A new universe improvement patch. The patch goes into effect Monday night May 25th, 2009.

General

-Sunglasses will no longer be necessary due the the new improvement of the human eye.
Hey watch it, I like sunglasses
-There will no longer be different shoe sizes becuase everybody now has the same size 10 foot.
Stop making my feet smaller.
-The Human life span is now increased to 175 years and the average life expectancy to 110 years. Humans will also physically age slower.
WHOO
-Days will be 25 hours long.
Add the extra hour to the night please.
-Premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction has been removed.
WHOO
-The "a$shole" hormones in males have been significantly decreased.
Hey watch it, I like being an asshole.
-The effects of PMS will now last only 13 minutes
No comment....though at least my idiot friend will stop bitching
-Dogs, cats, ferrets, monkeys, bears, and rabbits are now able to be trained to speak.
Oh trust me, I don't think we want to know what they have to say
-Condems will no longer break.
No comment
-It will now become significantly easier to lose weight and to gain muscle mass. This does taper off after while.
Whoo
-Telekinesis will be significantly easier to learn.
F**K YEAH
-Although idiots will always exist, thier population has been decreased slightly.
Let's have some more of this one
-"Ranks" within military forces have been replaced with "Loyalty Points." Loyalty Points are used as a currency within military forces to buy weapons.
Not in military, doesn't apply
-Flying Cars!? Yes it's true. Flying cars are now able to be purchased but can only be used in designated areas.
WHOO, *goes to pick mine up*
-Alcohol is no longer lethal.
We can still dump it on people and light them on fire, right?
-Breast enlargement surgeries now have a slight chance to decrease the imbider's IQ by 9 upon enlargement.
It doesn't already?
-Down Syndrome is now curable through a series of licking certian species of African frogs.
Eww
-There will be Universe Maintenance (UM) every Tuesday from 5am-11am everywhere in the world. During this time, all movement in the world will stop. This will help with the process of decreasing the amount of idiots and keeping tabs on PMS symptoms.
Goodbye 9:30 classes on Tuesday and Thursday
-The internet will now be working properly.
ABOUT TIME
-The finger nails on a human will now turn colors just as those of a mood ring. Black means engry, green means happy, blue means relaxed, yellow means nervous, red means aroused, purple means hungry.
Don't think this one's necessary.  Guess I'll start wearing gloves more often to keep people guessing.
-Females' ears will now turn red when they are aroused, just as males get erections when they are themselves.
No comment
-Pulsating rectal fluid is now poisonous.
Okay seriously, now you're just being ridiculous
-Organic foods will now be easier to produce. There will be no more "Pasturized process immitation cheese food substitute" or any of that sort.
And that's no baloney
-You will now be able to put a small glowing red flag above someones head to signal them as an idiot to the other people surrounding them. The flag lasts for 7 hours.
Guess what system I'll be using a lot
-Blood will now be silver.
MERCURY....
-Babies will cry less.
'bout time you guys did something about this

World Environment

-Global warming now will ACTUALLY happen.
Like hell it is.
-Gravity will be decreased slightly.
Oh goody *jumps around*
-There will be a new continent in the middle of the Pacific Ocean roughly the size of Europe free for people to name and claim.
But it'll be reserved as soon as it goes up for my evil lair....you didn't hear that
-Lightning will now happen even if there is no clouds.
Lightning doesn't look as awesome without clouds.  This is another unnecessary change.
-The freezing point of water has been raised to 36 degrees.
Whoo, more snow
-The Bermuda Triangle is now a square.
Bermuda Square sounds lame
-Trees will now grow faster.
How much faster?  This could range from completely insignificant to OH MY GOD THE ROOTS JUST RIPPED UP THE FOUNDATION
-Cheese will now come straight from the cow or goat.
Don't want to think about that one
-Earth will now have a second smaller moon.
That's no moon, that's a space station!
-Earthquakes will now be predictable by a loud humming noise roughly 2 hours before the earthquake hits.
California's never going to get a break.
-Oceans will now feel warmer even though they aren't.
Try less eye-burning when saltwater gets in your face and we'll talk
-Area 51 has been replaced with a shopping mall and a Kia Dealership.
That's just a front, right?  The weapons testing and aliens and shit are still there?

Bug Fixes

-The glitch known as AIDS will now properly increase the immune system instead of weakening it.
There goes the VistAIDS joke....
-Bees will now have larger wings allowing them to fly correctly
BEEEEEEEEEEES
-The now "Bermuda Square" will no longer cause things to warp through space and time. Instead, there is now a small island with a Starbucks on it.
Nerf Starbucks now please
-It will now be impossible to split an atom to acquire more energy.
Quick guys, we better perfect hydrogen fusion!
-The bug that sometimes would cause the deceased to still continue to exist in a "ghost" is fixed. No more ghosts.
Screw you, I liked that bug.
-The cancer rate has been decreased.
About time.
-Marijauna will no longer have it's "high" effect.
Screw you, the bug was the only good thing about it.
-Urine will now generate the "high" effect.
Ew...
-Dreams will now properly occur EVERY night.
Welcome to the mindfuck world.
-The "luck" factor will be removed properly.
Well...at least gambling will decrease.
-Cloning will no longer be possible.
Are you really trying to improve the universe or just shut people up?
-Karma will now work properly.
Let's not have this one.  For the sake of all evil bastards out there.
-The homosexuality rate has been increased for population control.
There are plenty of ways to do population control.  This is just going to increase the number of idiot raving fundies, which you should be decreasing.  Still, lesbians!
-Fixed an issue where ice is slippery.
That was an issue?

Individual comments in quote in bold.


Anyway, overall, this is just going to increase a lot of things that should be cut down on in the population, like fundies, politicians, and Al Gores. (The second and third there are a bit interchangeable.) And unfortunately, the idiot flag only works so well, especially when a lot of people I'd be using it on are separated from me by a shitton of security. And a six hour drive.

There's also a bit of an issue I've had lately with the sleep system. Any news on when that'll be fixed?

Anyway, I heard something awhile back about how you were working on a teleportation system. Any idea when that'll be done?

HUR HUR, WE DONT NEED CONDEMS ANYMORE, I GUESS I STILL HAVE TO USE MY CONDOMS

Quote (Goroke)

HUR HUR, WE DONT NEED CONDEMS ANYMORE, I GUESS I STILL HAVE TO USE MY CONDOMS

In patch 1.2, all condoms are renamed condems. Please remember them as such.

Sorry to all sources of complaint. As to Common's crossbreeding question, well, why would we? Earth 2.0's humans are way too OP. We're nerfing them with the crossbreeding, it's no bug. And Fera, the skyscrapers will be fine, I promise. Once it actually starts happening, I'm sure we'll already be on the issue.

Asator, the sleep system isn't a networking issue as much as an operating one. I'd suggest upgrading your system with Melatonin or a similar product. As for teleportation, don't get too excited yet. We're still testing. At the earliest, patch 1.4.

As for koalas... They're so badly hacked, all we can do is advise you to avoid 'em. Shamans, we're working on as well. Any other issues?

Where the hell is the 1% chance of superpowers?

Why didn't you fix the economy? That thing got broken when you released the George W. Bush expansion for the U.S.

Quote (Link2125)

Why didn't you fix the economy? That thing got broken when you released the George W. Bush expansion for the U.S.

That problem only occurs on U.S. servers, while the patch applies to the whole world and so we must think of everyone when we create patches. Consider contacting our associates in the U.S. department.

The Bush expansion was released to be challenging for Americans. You weren't supposed to apply it if you weren't ready for what it would bring.

Dude, have you even listened to what the US department people are like lately? They seem to think the way to solve problems is to create an even worse problem that counteracts it.

Quote (Asator)

Dude, have you even listened to what the US department people are like lately? They seem to think the way to solve problems is to create an even worse problem that counteracts it.

Sorry, bud. I'm in the universal department. I can't change what they do over there. I just bring the news. I'll put in a word for you up top though.

Make sure to tell the guys up top about the "condem" exploit, then-- if they're unbreakable now, hackers are gonna use those things for all kinds of messed up shit.

OH MY GOD.

MAGMA TRANSPORTATION.

THE POSSIBILITIES.

Quote (Twi)

Make sure to tell the guys up top about the "condem" exploit, then-- if they're unbreakable now, hackers are gonna use those things for all kinds of messed up shit.

OH MY GOD.

MAGMA TRANSPORTATION.

THE POSSIBILITIES.

See, your kind of thinking is what we call hacker thinking.

Watch yourself, or you may find yourself banned. (FROM LIFE)



PS: Win, Twi, very win.

This patch officialy ruins the universe. Not content with just taking away my Bubonic Plague and Smallpox attacks, they now insist on nerfing PMS to oblivion?

I managed to compensate for my laughable racials and the fact that our penis size is smaller for no apparent reason. Just compare my race's bonuses to, say, Mexican, and you'll see the shit I've had to put up with from God up to this point. I had a really good build going, and I don't think it was too overpowered to spec premature ejaculation when females can multiple-orgasm the FUCK out of me with no cooldown, but no. No, the people who run this thing are so full of shit that they insist upon beating down my character with every single goddamn patch, to the point where I think they're just trying to tell us "You may spec Football or Counterstrike. Otherwise, go play Female."

Fuck this. Fuck you, God, you have lost my membership in the universe.

This will be my last post in the Universe forums because I won't be playing any more. Ban me if you want, this is my /ragequit.

Quote (Kazuhiro)

This patch officialy ruins the universe. Not content with just taking away my Bubonic Plague and Smallpox attacks, they now insist on nerfing PMS to oblivion?

I managed to compensate for my laughable racials and the fact that our penis size is smaller for no apparent reason. Just compare my race's bonuses to, say, Mexican, and you'll see the shit I've had to put up with from God up to this point. I had a really good build going, and I don't think it was too overpowered to spec premature ejaculation when females can multiple-orgasm the FUCK out of me with no cooldown, but no. No, the people who run this thing are so full of shit that they insist upon beating down my character with every single goddamn patch, to the point where I think they're just trying to tell us "You may spec Football or Counterstrike. Otherwise, go play Female."

Fuck this. Fuck you, God, you have lost my membership in the universe.

This will be my last post in the Universe forums because I won't be playing any more. Ban me if you want, this is my /ragequit.

/smite

Do you have screencaps for this?

Also, I'm uh- planning on making a machine that helps the unskilled, but extremely creative, artists and writers out there do what they want to do (i.e. draw or write) by hooking their head up to a headset that reads their brainwaves and translates the images or words onto the computer with like cool tools, or something.

IS THIS OK? I mean, the ability of R&D for humans goes for this kind of stuff... right?

Quote (RevivedSin)

Do you have screencaps for this?

They'll be coming shortly.

Quote (RevivedSin)

Also, I'm uh- planning on making a machine that helps the unskilled, but extremely creative, artists and writers out there do what they want to do (i.e. draw or write) by hooking their head up to a headset that reads their brainwaves and translates the images or words onto the computer with like cool tools, or something.

IS THIS OK? I mean, the ability of R&D for humans goes for this kind of stuff... right?

Well, er, no. You'd have to run it by our R&D department before it would actually, y'know, work. They'd probably have to nerf it quite a bit as well. Try contacting them before you bother building it.

PROTIP: By the time they're done nerfing it, it won't be any different than machines that already exist.