I don't know where our funny general quotes topic disappeared off to. Let's start another.
I've got a funny block of quotes here. Also, please remember to cite your quote!
Disorder in the American Courts Re-Visited
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? !
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Quotes
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Okay, these are fresh from last night on /tg/. If you don't get it, they imitate the RAGE of 4e as if we were discussing cookbooks; since cooking also needs imagination and the outcome depends solely on the cook, this is not as big as a stretch as you'd think it is.
Quote ()
Posted: 12:15 a.m. by LordOrcus I'm so mad that there's a new edition of The Better Joy Cookbook out. Thanks for making my old copy obsolete, you greedy hacks! For five years now, my friends have been coming over for my eggplant Parmesan, and now I'm never going to be able serve it again unless I shell out 35 bucks for the latest version.
Posted: 12:42 a.m. by Kathraxis Hey, I have a question! When you preheat the oven, can you start it before you measure out the ingredients, or do you have to do it afterward? Please answer quickly, my friends and I have been arguing about it for four hours and we're getting pretty hungry.
Posted: 12:48 a.m. by Goku1440 I found an awesome loophole! On page 242 it says "Add oregano to taste!" It doesn't say how much oregano, or what sort of taste! You can add as much oregano as you want! I'm going to make my friends eat infinite oregano and they'll have to do it because the recipe says so!
Posted: 1:02 a.m. by barrybarrybarry I can't believe I spent 35 dollars on a cookbook that doesn't have a recipe for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When I buy a cookbook, I expect it to tell me how to cook. And don't tell me to just make a PBJ myself, I'm not some sort of hippy artist pretentious "freeform cook."
Posted: 1:08 a.m. by jvmkanelly Where are the recipes for chatting with friends while cooking? Where are the recipes for conversation over the meal? When I throw a dinner party, I want it to be a PARTY. I guess the idiots who use the Better Joy Cookbook just cook and eat in stony silence, never saying a word or even looking each other in the eye.
Posted: 1:23 a.m. by LordOrcus Hey, guess what? They're coming out with The Better Joy Book of Hors D'oeuvres. It just goes to show that the publishers are a bunch of corporate greedheads who care more about money than they do about cooking. Is it too much to ask for a single cookbook that contains all possible recipes?
Posted: 1:48 a.m. by specsheet Hey, everyone. I can tell just by reading the recipe that if you prepare eggs benedict as written, the sauce will separate. My mom always said the other kids made fun of me because they were jealous of my intelligence, so I must be right. Everyone who's saying that they followed the recipe and it came out perfect is either lying, or loves greasy separated hollandaise sauce.
Posted: 1:52 a.m. by IAmEd As I have pointed out MANY TIMES, several of these recipes contain raisins, and I, like most people, am ALLERGIC to raisins! And before you tell me to substitute dried cranberries, I will reiterate that I am discussing the recipes AS WRITTEN. I do not appreciate your ATTACKING ME with helpful suggestions!
Posted: 2:12 a.m. by Herodotus I just have to laugh at the recipe for Beef Wellington. In Wellington's day, ovens didn't have temperature settings! And pate de foie gras certainly didn't come in cans. It's like the authors didn't even care about replicating authentic early 19th century cooking techniques!
Posted: 2:17 a.m. by LordOrcus I have read the new Better Joy Cookbook and I am devastated to my very core. Their macaroni and cheese recipe, the very macaroni and cheese I've been making since I was in college, has been ravaged and disfigured and left bleeding on the page. Where once it contained only cheddar cheese, now the recipe calls for a mix of cheddar and Colby. It may contain macaroni, and it may contain cheese, but it is not macaroni and cheese. This is a slap in the face and a knife in the gut. You have lost me, Better Joy Cookbook. I would bid you goodbye, but I wish you nothing but the pain and rage you have delivered unto me.
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http://wiki.reliccommunity.com/Dawn_of_War:_Quotes
Plenty of amusing quotes in that link, but probably only if you have knowledge about the Warhammer 40K universe. Especially the Orks.
Plenty of amusing quotes in that link, but probably only if you have knowledge about the Warhammer 40K universe. Especially the Orks.
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my contabution...
to a dead thread...
Whispering Rock
Coach Morceau Oleander: The Human Mind: 600 miles of synaptic fiber, five and a half ounces of cranial fluid, 1500 grams of complex neural matter... a three-pound pile of dreams. But I'll tell you what it really is. It is the ultimate battlefield--and, the ultimate weapon. The wars of this modern age--The Psychic Age--are fought somewhere between these damp, curvaceous undulations. From this day forward, you are all psychic soldiers. Paranormal paratroopers! Mental marines who are about to ship out on the adventure of their lives! This (points to the brain diagram) is our beachhead! And this [points to his own head] is your landing craft. You shall engage the enemy in his own mentality--you shall chase his dreams, you shall fight his demons, you shall live his nightmares! And those of you who fight well, you will find yourselves on the path to becoming international secret agents-- in other words... Psychonauts!! The rest of you... will die!
[The camera pulls back, and we see that the Coach is actually lecturing a group of terrified children.]
Dogen Boole: Wahhhhh!
Agent Sasha Nein: Oh, Morry.
Agent Milla Vodello: Children, you are not going to die.
Coach Oleander: Well, if you're not a Psychonaut you might as well be dead!
Dogen: [sniffling] They told me this was a summer camp...
The Psychonauts capture an intruder.
Milla Vodello: It's just a little boy! What's your name, darling?
Coach Oleander: I'll find out...
[The Coach tries to pry into the boy's mind, but fails.]
Coach Oleander: Can't... get... in!
Sasha Nein: Amazing!
Coach Oleander: Armored like a tank!
Razputin: My name...
Coach Oleander: Starts with a "D"!
Razputin: ...is Razputin. But everybody calls me... Raz.
Dogen: Please don't kill us, Lake Monster!
Razputin: Don't you train Psychonauts here? To soar across the astral plane? To engage in psychic warfare against the enemies of free thought?
Coach Oleander: That is what I wrote on the front of the pamphlet.
[Raz reciting what Coach Oleander wrote inside the Whispering Rock pamphlet.]
Razputin: "You were born with a special gift. But the people around you treat it like a curse. Your mother is afraid of you, and your father looks at you with shame in his eyes. Come to Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp, and you can show them all! Back home, your powers make you a loner, an outcast, a circus freak. But in this dojo--in this psychic dojo--they make you... a hero."
Coach Oleander: Get that soldier a bunk!
Dogen: You're so lucky, you get to go home soon.
Razputin: Home? Back there I was just like you were, Dogen--punished by my own family, for having powers I never asked for. But here, I have a chance to be something, to make a difference. They may come for me, Dogen, but they'll be expecting Raz: the boy. But what they'll find--what they don't expect--is Raz: the Psychonaut!
Dogen: And- and then you'll make their heads explode?
Razputin: No! Do you do that?
Dogen: No. Well... once, kinda.
[Raz confronts the camp bully, Bobby Zilch, for the first time]
Bobby Zilch: I heard a rumor you were raised in the circus. Well, let me put this in terms YOU'LL understand: I'm the "strong man" around here!
Razputin: Really? Because you look more like the cotton candy.
Bobby Zilch: Why? You worried I'm gonna hurt your boyfriend?
Lili: No, because Sasha Nein is standing right behind you.
Sasha Nein: These tests are unauthorized, so I can't actually ask you to come. However, if you were to just drop in, well, then what could I do? Let me give you this. [Sasha floats a button over to Raz] Remember: your talents set you apart, Razputin. Sometimes isolation can be a good thing. It can lead to... important discoveries.
Razputin: Wait! I don't even know where your lab is! Is this some kind of test?
[Agent Nein's disembodied voice reverberates inside of Raz's head]
Sasha's Voice: "Sometimes isolation can be a good thing. It can lead to... important discoveries."
Razputin: And now I'm hearing things. Great.
Raz: [To the sparrow] Here birdie birdie! Why don't you come alight on my shoulder? [sparrow flies away]...jerk.
Raz: [To the seagulls] No offense, but you guys smell like garbage.
Raz: [After running over or setting fire to a squirrel or bird] See you in Hell!
Mikhail: Have you seen bear lurking in woods, with skin where hair should be?
Mikhail: Cannot lurk forever, bear.
Dogen: [talking to squirrels] No! I could never do that! I could never... kill everyone.
Dogen: Oh, that makes sense. The squirrels kept saying "The little man is going to kill everyone!". I thought they meant me.
Sasha: [Activating the Brain Tumbler] Now relax. This won't hurt at all. Unless something really very bad happens.
Lili: I traced the psychic interference back to Coach Oleander's radio! He's been broadcasting his insane dreams of world domination in his sleep!
Raz: So he really IS stealing children's brains to make weapons!
Lili: I know! Isn't it great?
Raz: How could this possibly be great?
Lili: Because we're in the middle of an honest-to-goodness psychic emergency.
Raz: Yeah! And Sasha's not here. He left on some official Psychonauts business.
Lili: Milla left a note saying the same thing!
Raz: Lili! An evil madman is building a fleet of psycho-death tanks to take over the world, and we're the only ones who can stop him!
Lili: OH MY GOD! Let's make out!
Crystal: [after spending the entire game being overly-cheerful] Wow! Thats Amazing! Now I feel kinda bad about throwing myself off the lodge!
Raz: Why'd you do that?
Crystal: Well 'cause the poison didn't work, silly!
Raz: ''[on reinserting the camper's brains after recovering them) Isn't that Dangerous?
Agent Cruller: Oh, nothings dangerous if you have the right tools! [holds up a funnel]
[edit] Basic Braining
[Raz sees the campers in a hypnotic trance]
Razputin: They seem to all be in a trance while they astrally project themselves into the Coach's psyche. Which is awesome!
Razputin: So this is it... the mental world.
[Pause]
Elton: It looks like a dentist's office.
Razputin: A mental dentist's office!
Elton: CHAAAARRRGGEEE! [Gets blown apart from an explosion]
Coach Oleander: Heh heh heh...
Razputin: What kind of obstacle course is this?! That kid just got killed!
Coach Oleander: A mental obstacle course, ya' bleedin' heart. He's not dead. His astral projection just got kicked out of my mind. And I'll kick YOUR ass...tral projection outta' here too if you don't get movin' right now!
Coach Oleander: Come on, get that figment! Be a figgy piggy! Who's Coach's little piggy? Oink, oink, oink!
Coach Oleander: Watch those mines, kid! They'll blow you up like a 10-cent kazoo!
Coach Oleander: Is your name Joey?
Razputin: No...
Coach Oleander: 'Cause I'm gonna call you "Slowey Joey"!
Razputin: That's not my name.
Coach Oleander: What was that, Slowey? I can't hear you, you're talking too slow!
Coach Oleander: You're like molasses going uphill in January. ...with crutches.
Coach Oleander: Hey, my bowels move more than you do, pokey!
Coach Oleander: Mentalis Uber Alles!
[Raz and Bobby are overlooking an obstacle]
Bobby Zilch: We can't get past this! This is stupid!
Razputin: Hmm, looks like a test. There's probably a secret, more advanced route.
Bobby Zilch: What's that supposed to mean? You think you're more advanced than me, New Kid?
Razputin: Sorry, what?
Bobby Zilch: I'm not stupid. You're stupid. The Coach is stupid. This whole camp is stupid! That thing flying at you is stupid!
Razputin: [turning around] What thing?! Whoa!
[Bobby kicks Raz off the ledge.]
Bobby Zilch: Bobby Zilch's foot, that's what, you stupid new kid! Eh eh-eh eh eh eh-eh![does a little victory dance thing which Raz adopts in the game]
Vernon: Well, I guess we're all going to die.
Oleander: Well, son, the plane's going down. You'd better get a move on!
Raz: But I don't have a parachute!
Oleander: Did Washington have a 'chute when he crossed the Delaware? Just jump, sissy!
Vernon: [Falling out of the plane, talking about his dog] And then I gave Lady a bo-o-o-one...!
Crystal and Clem: PUNCH-PUNCHIE-PUNCH-PUNCH!!!!
[edit] Brain Tumbler Experiment
Razputin: [to the censors] You are my own creation! I command you to stop!...Man, does that ever work?
Sasha: What do you see?
Raz: Some weird, bunny-like animal thing.
[Raz spots a monster of some sort]
Razputin: Uh, Sasha?
Sasha Nein: What is it? Another bunny?
Razputin: No, this is more of a super-scary, flaming-eyed demon type of deal.
Razputin: [After looking through the memory entitled "the world shall taste my eggs!"] Okay, what the hell was that? I'm seeing some crazy stuff in here, Sasha. This can't be right.
Sasha Nein: Ach. Why did I buy the the CHEAP Brain Tumbler?
Dr. Loboto: Now the problem originates here, in the area that we in the medical profession like to refer to as THE BRAIN!
Dr. Loboto: I hate to be so blunt, but YOU have the insanity... of a manatee!
Dogen: I know, people are always saying that. What do you think's wrong with my brain, doctor?
Dr. Loboto: How should I know? I'm a dentist. But here's what I do know: if the tooth is bad, we pull it!
Dr. Loboto: Now hold still, this will only hurt until your brains come flying out!
[Dogen sneezes his brain out]
Dr. Loboto: Oh, good boy! There's that pesky brain. Here's a tissue. Now don't you feel better my dear lad?
Dogen: [Now brainless] TV..?
Dr. Loboto: Of course! Right here. [Loboto picks up Dogen's brain off the floor.] And THIS bad tooth, we'll just drop it in the ol' garbage chute. Now don't chew solid foods for six hours!
Razputin: Is this a nightmare... Or a plan? Or both?
[edit] Sasha's Shooting Gallery
Sasha Nein: Young man, I hope you've learned a lesson here today.
Razputin: Yes, I have. That shooting things is fun and useful!
Sasha Nein: No! That once you lose control, it's very hard to get it back!
Razputin: Got it. All thoughts must be 100% controlled at all times.
Sasha Nein: Well, not exactly. If you were to suppress all of your undesirable emotions, they'd build and build and eventually explode.
Razputin: Oh...So, what would happen if I blocked off all of the censor outlets?
Sasha Nein: Well, there would be a build up of censor energy in the [The ground starts shaking violently] ...Run, Razputin. Very fast.
Sasha Nein: [To the Mega-Censor] You are my own creation! I command you to stop! [Gets smashed anyway]
Sasha Nein: Say something hideous and horrible jumps out at you. Something so disgusting that it simply must die...
[Sasha trips a button with his foot to reveal a very ugly lamp]
Sasha Nein: Oh... so tacky! I can't... look... directly at it! [to Raz] But I control those feelings, focus them, concentrate, and... Release! [psi-blasts the lamp to pieces] ...And the world is a better place.
Sasha Nein: [While stuck on the Mega Censor's stamp, after being hit repeatedly] No Aunt Bernie, of course I didn't get your calls or I would have responded right away.
Sasha Nein: [Whilr stuck on the Mega Censor's stamp] My name is Yan Yansen I live in Wisconsin I work In the lumberyard there...
[After Raz destroys the lamps]
Sasha Nein: Excellent. A victory for good taste.
Sasha Nein: You will learn to control these emotions, focus them, and release them.
Razputin: As therapy?
Sasha Nein: No, as firepower.
[After saving Sasha from the Mega-Censor]
Razputin: Is this the part where I get another lecture?
Sasha Nein: No. Here is your merit badge. We shall never speak of this again.
Razputin: Wait, so why did the censors attack me in my own mind? Don't I belong there?
Sasha Nein: Perhaps there is something wrong with the Brain Tumbler. Or you could be insane, but we'll run tests on that later.
[edit] Milla's Dance Party
Milla: It's Razputin, the rolling rock star!
Nightmares: It's hot. It's burning.
Nightmares: Milla, Why did you let us die?
Nightmares: Miiiiiilllllaaaaaa
Nightmares: Where are you, Milla?
[When Raz tries, and fails, to enter water on his Leviation ball]
Milla: Hmm... that shouldn't be happening. Do you have some aversion to water, darling?
Raz: It's a very long, involved story.
Milla: Oh. I understand. You know, darling, it's very normal for a boy your age, so don't be afraid to talk to me if you need to. I'm here for you.
[edit] Lungfishopolis
Lungfish Civilian: [describing "Goggalor"] He's impervious to bullets! And love...
Kochamara: I've got the brain of a little girl back in my lab that could power a whole army of Psycho-Blaster death tanks... [realizes Raz is laughing at him] What's so funny?
Razputin: You have the brain of a little girl?
Kochamara: ...I said, "in my LAB!"
Razputin: I think you have the muscles of a little girl, too!
Kochamara: Hard to avoid... AREA ATTACK!
Lungfish Civilian: [seeing "Goggalor"] Hey look everybody, it's Kochamara...oh wait it's Goggalor. RUUUN!!!
Japanese Lungfish:: [pointing at Raz] Ho! Goggalor!!!
Resistance Fish: Hey Goggalor!
Raz: What? Are you talking to me?
Resistance Fish: AHHHHHHHH!!!! My Ears!!!
Raz: [whispering a little] Sorry!
Resistance Lunhfish: AHHHH!!!! Oh My GOD!! AHHHHH!!! [then he dies]
Raz: [whispering] Are you okay?...
Resistance Lungfish2: He's dead!
Raz: [Talking normally] Oh sorry.
Resistance Lungfish2: Its okay. Every member of the Resistance is ready to die fighting the tyranny of Kochamara.
Newscaster: Oh my god! Goggalor's headed for the orphanage!
Newscaster: Phew! Goggalor's headed away from the orphange!
[Raz smashes the orphanage]
Newscaster: Oh my god! The puppy orphanage!
Lungfish: NO, not the Natural History Museum!
Imprisoned Lungfish: This is the best you could do?
Resistance Lungfish: Well, we were short on time and he is good at smashing things!
Raz: Have you come up with a better plan yet?
Resistance Lungfish: How about, "turn in Goggalor for reward money?"
Raz: Wait, are you sure Kochamara] and your little friends won't mind me smashing up your city?
Resistance Lungfish: No.
Resistance Lungfish 3: Uh..no, no, no.
Raz: So smashing up the town and breaking the prison, no ones gonna get mad and start shooting at me?
Resistance Lungfish: No!
Resistance Lungfish 2: ...Well, maybe one guy. But what's a whole lungfish navy to the mighty Goggalor?
Raz: Wait, navy?
Kochamara: Overly-intricate...COMBINATION!
Raz: Wait, aren't you gonna come with me?
Resistance Lungfish: Er, we'll stay here until it's clear...
Resistance Lungfish 2: For insurance reasons.
Resistance Lungfish: And FREEDOM!
[edit] Thorney Towers Home for the Disturbed
Dr. Loboto: Well, I've reviewed your chart, little girl. The bad news is, we're going to have to remove your brain... strap it into an armored battle tank, and have it shoot down innocent civilians with its concentrated psychic death beam!
Lili: I'm gonna kill you so much.
Dr. Loboto: The good news is that your insurance should cover the whole thing. Hey, is it getting warm in here?
Lili: No, I'm trying to set you on fire through this stupid hat!
Dr. Loboto: What a delightfully mean little brain you have! Just what we want! Here, do me a favor. Tell me if this smells like... YOUR DOOM! Heh heh!
Lili: I-I can't smell anything.
Dr. Loboto: Curses! You're a stubborn little ball of phlegm, ain't ya? Well, that head cold won't protect you forever, little girl, and when it's gone you'll be sneezing a different tune. A tune in the key of... brains! HAAA HA HA!
Sheegor: I'm not going to bring you any more brains if you're going to be so mean to them!
Dr. Loboto: No matter what I do?
Sheegor: No, no matter what.
Dr. Loboto: Not even if I...
[Loboto reaches towards the stove to turn up the heat on a pot over which he holds Sheegor's beloved turtle, Mr. Pokeylope, hostage.]
Sheegor: No, don't!
Dr. Loboto: Not even if I cook you a little...
Sheegor: Don't, doctor! No!
Dr. Loboto: A little turtle soup?
Sheegor: Please, Dr. Loboto! No!
Dr. Loboto: Hm, a nice, hot turtle soup, hmm?
Sheegor: Noooo!
Dr. Loboto: Nothing better on a cold night like this than some boiling hot soup!
Sheegor: You leave Mr. Pokeylope alone!
Dr. Loboto: Oh, Okay. Are you sure?
Sheegor: Nooo! I mean, YES!
Dr. Loboto: Alright, alright... Oh, why don't I just go ahead and heat you up a cup? It's made from turtles! Turtles that you love! Isn't that right, Mr. Pokeylope?
Sheegor: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Dr. Loboto: Okay, well maybe I'll just make some for myself.
Sheegor: [Running from the room] Yaaaaaahhh!
Dr. Loboto: Bring me a good brain, Sheegor, or Mr. Pokeylope becomes Mr. SMOKEY-lope! Ha Ha Ha HA! HOO HOO! HO HOO HOO! Smokey-lope! HAAAA! [Nonchalantly to the turtle] When you're a dentist, you have to learn to have a sense of humor, you know. It helps to calm the patient down.
[Razputin finally confronts Coach Oleander after rescuing Sasha and Milla's brains and freeing Lili]
Razputin: You! You stole all my friends' brains! You turned an innocent fish into a giant monster! You stole all the teachers--derailing my education! AND, you kidnapped... [pauses, looks at Lili, who nods] ...MY GIRLFRIEND!
Lili: [in her mind] Why won't you just shut up and kiss me?
Raz: Uh...I can hear that.
Lili: I know.
Raz: [to Lili] ...And the crib wasn't even that clean!
During the ultimate battle between Sasha, Milla, and Oleander
Oleander: You...tall people!
[A psychic battle ensues, and suddenly, Ford appears wearing psitanium on his back.]
Ford: You know something, Mory, we've got a word for people like you in the Psychonauts who turn on their own.
Oleander: Ha! I don't need the Psychonauts anymore, old man. I'm gonna rule the world with my fleet of brain-powered death tanks! You got a word for that?
Ford: Yeah...Gesundheit!
[Blows sneezing powder in Oleander's face, effectively saving the day]
[edit] The Milkman Conspiracy
Boyd Cooper: There's something in the fridge that might help you see the world like I do.
Razputin: Ooh, sorry. I don't drink... before noon, I mean.
Boyd Cooper: Beware the cows! Not all milk is enriched!
Raz: [After being given a fake gun by Boyd] Couldn't I have a real gun? With bullets?
Boyd Cooper: What, give a loaded gun to a 10 year-old? What do you think I am, crazy?
Den Mother: Would you care to join us in our Rainbow Squirt Pledge of Purpose?
Rainbow Squirts: "To promote niceness. To make the world prettier. To share candy with everyone. To obfuscate the true nature of the Milkman. To protect the Milkman at all costs. To eliminate all who threaten to reveal his secret objective."
Den Mother: Do not follow! The milk is not ready, and you are not ready for the milk!
Den Mother: I told you not to follow. Now YOU MUST DIE!
Razputin: But--
Den Mother: THAT IS THE WAY OF THE RAINBOW SQUIRTS!
Den Mother: I'm going to take your eyes out!
Razputin: Ha! You can't. That is the purpose of the goggles!
Den Mother: [after being defeated] Look what you've done! He wakes! And the sea... [coughs] shall run ... white ... with ... his ...rage! [Passes out]
The Milkman: I am the Milkman. My milk is delicious.
Razputin: Hey, is that milk regular kind, or the exploding dream kind?
The Milkman: It's fortified with what the world wants. What the world deserves.
The Milkman: My employer has commissioned me to deliver this milk, to whitewash what went on here. I cannot rest until I have made my final delivery.
Raz: I am a grieving widow.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I am your sister in grief.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Should I remarry or remain faithful to my spouse?
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I wish my loved one was not dead, but alive.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I wish my loved one had remembered to indicate me as the beneficiary of his 401k plan.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Why. God. Why.
"Plumber" G-Man: Although I often smell of excrement, I should not be discriminated against as I provide a valuable service.
"Plumber" G-Man: There are no documented cases of alligators living in the sewers.
Other "Plumber" G-Man: Feces.
"Watering Can" G-Man: That is a nice watering can. May I ask how much you paid for it?
"Watering Can" G-Man: Plants need water poured on them, because they have no hands to hold glasses of water.
[Talking about his gun.]
Raz: It's fake. I'm worried the other assassins will laugh at me.
"Assassin" G-Man: Shhh... Don't broadcast that fact, they look real.
"Assassin" G-Man: I kill not for passion, but for money.
"Assassin" G-Man: My motives are clear only to myself.
Raz: I work for the road crew. This is my stop sign.
"Road Crew" G-Man: Yes, we all work on the road crew. Our backs are killing us.
"Road Crew" G-Man: Hello fellow road crew worker. Welcome to the road crew.
"Road Crew" G-Man: Look at that woman's breasts. They're large.
Raz: I am baking a pie.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: You better not be trying to steal my husband...tramp.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Although over time, my husband will desire me less, sexually, he will always enjoy my pies.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: For the last several years, I have relied on prescription medication to make it through the days.
"Pie-Making Wife" G-Man: When my husband drinks excessively, I use this rolling pin to beat him, but we are still very much in love.
"Helicopter" G-Man: Helicopters can go up and down. Helicopters move sideways too, but not as fast as planes.
"Phone Repairer" G-Man: I can listen to any phone conversation that I want, but do not because of my sense of professional responsibility.
Raz: I work in the sewers.
Non-Sewer-working G-man: Gross! That is a terrible job! I would never let you date my daughter.
[edit] Asylum Grounds
Razputin: Hey... I like it!
Edgar: Ah, you see, the poor dumb beasts have no thumbs, so I ask you... how are they holding their cards?
Razputin: St--St--Sticky paws?
Edgar: It should be impossible, and yet somehow they go on... playing the game.
Edgar: In the end, Razputin, aren't we all just dogs playing poker?
Crispin: Whatever.
Fred: The battle can't be won! We're gonna lose it!
Crispin: I'm afraid you lost it years ago, Fred. Now, pipe down over there. I am the orderly, and I run a quiet, peaceful insane asylum.
Crispin: One moment. You're not Dr. Loboto. My eyes may be half gone, but I would recognize the mad doctor anywhere. He has a stone-cold face a man doesn't easily forget. He wears a beastly smock covered in thick straps like an electric chair. And in the place where his hand should be there's nothing but a gleaming metal claw. So unless I'm mistaken, you are not Dr. Loboto, you do not pay my salary, so kindly step away from my elevator and die. Thank you, sir.
Edgar: [hit with a Confusion Grenade] Ugh... Who chained this building to my leg?
[After you beat Waterloo World]
Fred: Is he really gone? Hello? Hello? Anyone else in here? Ha! We did it, Raz! I'm all me again! One person - not French! Get me out of this dang jacket so I can go strangle me an orderly!
Raz: Hey, good thinking, Fred. That sure would save me a lot of work.
Fred: Yep! Right after I take a nap.
Raz: Yes! A- wait, nap?
Fred: War is hell, Razputin, and I'm sleepy. [yawns] I'll take care of Crispin for ya, just as soon as I... [falls asleep]
Raz: Oh, man...
[After you assemble your Doctor Loboto disguise]
Crispin: Taking her up yourself today, eh, Doctor? Less work for me.
Fred: Inmate Whytehead.
Crispin: Chief Orderly Bonaparte! You're... you're...
Fred: Armed?
[After you free Lili]
Edgar: Well, it's official. the genius is back. Time to go get ready for my gallery show. [pulls his chain out of the floor, breaking a gas main] Uh-oh, this looks bad. [sniffs] Ah, well, that's good. Someone must have turned off the gas long ago.
Gloria: [outside in the garden] Oh, here's what my poor flowers need - a little water. [turns the gas back on]
Edgar: Oh, no, I spilled all my turpentine and acetone!
Fred: [climbs out of a window and sees Boyd poised to throw a milk bottle into the asylum] Hey, Boyd! Long time no see!
Edgar: Oh, Mister Orderly! I did not see you there. I was just taking a little therapeutic walk in the moonlight-
Fred: Relax, the asylum's closed. We can all go home.
Gloria: Leave? Here?
Fred: Yeah, this place is for crazy people. And I don't know about you, but I ain't crazy no more!
Edgar: I have to tell you, I'm feeling pretty good...
Gloria: You know, maybe it is time for us all to move on.
Fred: What d'ya think, Boyd? You ready to blow this popsicle stand?
Boyd: [hurls the milk bottle into the asylum, where it explodes] The milkman has completed his route. You guys wanna split a cab?
[edit] Gloria's Theater
Becky: Well, I'm off to kill myself.
Bonita: What? Can't you see I'm drowning in my own misery here? Should I be doing something with my hands?
Raz: You're mean and fat!
Jasper: And...?
Raz: Just giving you the update.
Becky: [If you try to firestart her] Hot flash! Hot flash!
Jasper: I just can't take my eyes off it! It's like watching a Car Crash... A car crash where the victims can't act, and the medics forget their lines!
[Raz has chased the Phantom through the catwalks. He is now jumping around the theater])
Raz: OK, Mr. Phantom. It's time to see who you...really...are?
[The Phantom returns to Jasper's box and removes his mask, somehow gaining a great deal of weight in the process. Raz realizes that Jasper is, in fact, the Phantom!]
Raz: I so totally guessed that!
Actress: Uh-uh! You thought it was Becky!
Raz: Well...he was my second guess. [Goes over to Jasper] All right, Jasper! I know you're the one who's been causing all of the problems around here.
Jasper: WHAT? How dare you accuse me of being the rugged and romantic Phantom, who has captivated audiences for months on end?
Raz: Hmmm...yeah, you're probably right. He's so agile and limber and thin. He could never be you.
[Pause. Jasper blinks in shock.]
Jasper: Why, you little...OF COURSE IT'S ME!
Raz: Well, time to hang up the cape, Tubs, because your days of terrorizing this theater are over!
Jasper: Maybe as the Phantom...but he's nothing compared to the full, destructive force of an angry critic!
[His chair flies into the air, becoming a floating weapon]
Raz: Now, how can I say this and still sound cool...uh...'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?'
[edit] Waterloo World
Soldier: Mon dieu! I hate bridges! Zat was for killing my fathaire! Bridge!
Fred: Hey, quit destroying my bridges! You're making me mad!
Carpenter: Oh, man, I would love to go over there, but that soldier would kick my ass... and I don't get paid for that.
Carpenter: Go away, burglar!
Raz: I'm not a burglar!
Carpenter: Yes you are! I can hear your feet on my roof. Why don't you go down through the chimney? I've got a nice, hot fire roaring just for you.
Raz: If I was on the roof, how could I be talking to you down here?
Carpenter: Maybe you're a ventriloquist!
Soldier: None shall pass!
Raz: Fred, your soldiers think you don't care about them. They think you wouldn't care if they lived or died.
Fred: What? I care about them?
Raz: Well, they don't believe it.
Fred: What do they want? A letter on my official stationary saying that I'd be sad if they died?
Raz: Yeah, that'd work.
Fred: Oh...okay.
Peasant: Wow...he really does care! I'd be honored to die for my leader now.
Raz: Wait, you're not necessarily gonna die...
Peasant: Oh, come on. Fred's a great leader and all, but he's still Fred.
Raz: Hey, check out this cool coin I found.
Peasant: Whoo, money! [To Wife] Honey, I'm off to die for an incompetent leader who won't even remember my name! You're in my will.
Raz: Oh, come on! Again with the dying?
Peasant: I just hope she doesn't go and spend it all on scrap-book supplies. Part of the reason I'm so ready to die...
Razputin: [talking to Napolean's first soldier] I can burn wood with my mind.
Soldier: That would be cheating.
Fred Bonaparte: [After being hit] Ow! Oh, go ahead, beat me up. I don't care.
Napolean Bonaparte: Trust me, he doesn't.
[edit] Black Velvetopia
Razputin: [in the sewers, which oddly resemble a gym shower] This place reminds me of high school... which is weird, because I'm only 10.
Razputin: [after beating Tiger] Sleep tight, kitty.
Eagle: Ca-Caw.
Razputin: That's it? Ca- [Eagle punches him in the face] -OOF!
Eagle: Ca-Caw.
Lampita: [crying over Dingo, then looks at Edgar] Um, I always... loved you more...?
[You can see this if, after you receive the confusion grenade from Dingo, you lob one at the dog waiting downstairs.]
Painter Bulldog: ...Oh, my, GOD. GOD. Is DOG....spelled backwards.
Raz: Um...are you okay?
Painter Bulldog No, wait! God...is CAT...spelled backwards. Ooooh no. Oh, nononono, no!
Painter Bulldog: [begins to slather paint slowly over his stomach] I'm shaaaavinnng, just like daaaaddeeee...
[edit] The Meat Circus
Raz's father: ... And I have more hair than that!
Butcher and Little Oly: Don't run or daddy's gonna' kill ya!
Little Oly: Ahh!! My face!!!!
Raz's father: Is that really what I look like in your mind?
Raz's fake father: Man, do I hate psychics! And my son's happiness!
to a dead thread...
Whispering Rock
Coach Morceau Oleander: The Human Mind: 600 miles of synaptic fiber, five and a half ounces of cranial fluid, 1500 grams of complex neural matter... a three-pound pile of dreams. But I'll tell you what it really is. It is the ultimate battlefield--and, the ultimate weapon. The wars of this modern age--The Psychic Age--are fought somewhere between these damp, curvaceous undulations. From this day forward, you are all psychic soldiers. Paranormal paratroopers! Mental marines who are about to ship out on the adventure of their lives! This (points to the brain diagram) is our beachhead! And this [points to his own head] is your landing craft. You shall engage the enemy in his own mentality--you shall chase his dreams, you shall fight his demons, you shall live his nightmares! And those of you who fight well, you will find yourselves on the path to becoming international secret agents-- in other words... Psychonauts!! The rest of you... will die!
[The camera pulls back, and we see that the Coach is actually lecturing a group of terrified children.]
Dogen Boole: Wahhhhh!
Agent Sasha Nein: Oh, Morry.
Agent Milla Vodello: Children, you are not going to die.
Coach Oleander: Well, if you're not a Psychonaut you might as well be dead!
Dogen: [sniffling] They told me this was a summer camp...
The Psychonauts capture an intruder.
Milla Vodello: It's just a little boy! What's your name, darling?
Coach Oleander: I'll find out...
[The Coach tries to pry into the boy's mind, but fails.]
Coach Oleander: Can't... get... in!
Sasha Nein: Amazing!
Coach Oleander: Armored like a tank!
Razputin: My name...
Coach Oleander: Starts with a "D"!
Razputin: ...is Razputin. But everybody calls me... Raz.
Dogen: Please don't kill us, Lake Monster!
Razputin: Don't you train Psychonauts here? To soar across the astral plane? To engage in psychic warfare against the enemies of free thought?
Coach Oleander: That is what I wrote on the front of the pamphlet.
[Raz reciting what Coach Oleander wrote inside the Whispering Rock pamphlet.]
Razputin: "You were born with a special gift. But the people around you treat it like a curse. Your mother is afraid of you, and your father looks at you with shame in his eyes. Come to Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp, and you can show them all! Back home, your powers make you a loner, an outcast, a circus freak. But in this dojo--in this psychic dojo--they make you... a hero."
Coach Oleander: Get that soldier a bunk!
Dogen: You're so lucky, you get to go home soon.
Razputin: Home? Back there I was just like you were, Dogen--punished by my own family, for having powers I never asked for. But here, I have a chance to be something, to make a difference. They may come for me, Dogen, but they'll be expecting Raz: the boy. But what they'll find--what they don't expect--is Raz: the Psychonaut!
Dogen: And- and then you'll make their heads explode?
Razputin: No! Do you do that?
Dogen: No. Well... once, kinda.
[Raz confronts the camp bully, Bobby Zilch, for the first time]
Bobby Zilch: I heard a rumor you were raised in the circus. Well, let me put this in terms YOU'LL understand: I'm the "strong man" around here!
Razputin: Really? Because you look more like the cotton candy.
Bobby Zilch: Why? You worried I'm gonna hurt your boyfriend?
Lili: No, because Sasha Nein is standing right behind you.
Sasha Nein: These tests are unauthorized, so I can't actually ask you to come. However, if you were to just drop in, well, then what could I do? Let me give you this. [Sasha floats a button over to Raz] Remember: your talents set you apart, Razputin. Sometimes isolation can be a good thing. It can lead to... important discoveries.
Razputin: Wait! I don't even know where your lab is! Is this some kind of test?
[Agent Nein's disembodied voice reverberates inside of Raz's head]
Sasha's Voice: "Sometimes isolation can be a good thing. It can lead to... important discoveries."
Razputin: And now I'm hearing things. Great.
Raz: [To the sparrow] Here birdie birdie! Why don't you come alight on my shoulder? [sparrow flies away]...jerk.
Raz: [To the seagulls] No offense, but you guys smell like garbage.
Raz: [After running over or setting fire to a squirrel or bird] See you in Hell!
Mikhail: Have you seen bear lurking in woods, with skin where hair should be?
Mikhail: Cannot lurk forever, bear.
Dogen: [talking to squirrels] No! I could never do that! I could never... kill everyone.
Dogen: Oh, that makes sense. The squirrels kept saying "The little man is going to kill everyone!". I thought they meant me.
Sasha: [Activating the Brain Tumbler] Now relax. This won't hurt at all. Unless something really very bad happens.
Lili: I traced the psychic interference back to Coach Oleander's radio! He's been broadcasting his insane dreams of world domination in his sleep!
Raz: So he really IS stealing children's brains to make weapons!
Lili: I know! Isn't it great?
Raz: How could this possibly be great?
Lili: Because we're in the middle of an honest-to-goodness psychic emergency.
Raz: Yeah! And Sasha's not here. He left on some official Psychonauts business.
Lili: Milla left a note saying the same thing!
Raz: Lili! An evil madman is building a fleet of psycho-death tanks to take over the world, and we're the only ones who can stop him!
Lili: OH MY GOD! Let's make out!
Crystal: [after spending the entire game being overly-cheerful] Wow! Thats Amazing! Now I feel kinda bad about throwing myself off the lodge!
Raz: Why'd you do that?
Crystal: Well 'cause the poison didn't work, silly!
Raz: ''[on reinserting the camper's brains after recovering them) Isn't that Dangerous?
Agent Cruller: Oh, nothings dangerous if you have the right tools! [holds up a funnel]
[edit] Basic Braining
[Raz sees the campers in a hypnotic trance]
Razputin: They seem to all be in a trance while they astrally project themselves into the Coach's psyche. Which is awesome!
Razputin: So this is it... the mental world.
[Pause]
Elton: It looks like a dentist's office.
Razputin: A mental dentist's office!
Elton: CHAAAARRRGGEEE! [Gets blown apart from an explosion]
Coach Oleander: Heh heh heh...
Razputin: What kind of obstacle course is this?! That kid just got killed!
Coach Oleander: A mental obstacle course, ya' bleedin' heart. He's not dead. His astral projection just got kicked out of my mind. And I'll kick YOUR ass...tral projection outta' here too if you don't get movin' right now!
Coach Oleander: Come on, get that figment! Be a figgy piggy! Who's Coach's little piggy? Oink, oink, oink!
Coach Oleander: Watch those mines, kid! They'll blow you up like a 10-cent kazoo!
Coach Oleander: Is your name Joey?
Razputin: No...
Coach Oleander: 'Cause I'm gonna call you "Slowey Joey"!
Razputin: That's not my name.
Coach Oleander: What was that, Slowey? I can't hear you, you're talking too slow!
Coach Oleander: You're like molasses going uphill in January. ...with crutches.
Coach Oleander: Hey, my bowels move more than you do, pokey!
Coach Oleander: Mentalis Uber Alles!
[Raz and Bobby are overlooking an obstacle]
Bobby Zilch: We can't get past this! This is stupid!
Razputin: Hmm, looks like a test. There's probably a secret, more advanced route.
Bobby Zilch: What's that supposed to mean? You think you're more advanced than me, New Kid?
Razputin: Sorry, what?
Bobby Zilch: I'm not stupid. You're stupid. The Coach is stupid. This whole camp is stupid! That thing flying at you is stupid!
Razputin: [turning around] What thing?! Whoa!
[Bobby kicks Raz off the ledge.]
Bobby Zilch: Bobby Zilch's foot, that's what, you stupid new kid! Eh eh-eh eh eh eh-eh![does a little victory dance thing which Raz adopts in the game]
Vernon: Well, I guess we're all going to die.
Oleander: Well, son, the plane's going down. You'd better get a move on!
Raz: But I don't have a parachute!
Oleander: Did Washington have a 'chute when he crossed the Delaware? Just jump, sissy!
Vernon: [Falling out of the plane, talking about his dog] And then I gave Lady a bo-o-o-one...!
Crystal and Clem: PUNCH-PUNCHIE-PUNCH-PUNCH!!!!
[edit] Brain Tumbler Experiment
Razputin: [to the censors] You are my own creation! I command you to stop!...Man, does that ever work?
Sasha: What do you see?
Raz: Some weird, bunny-like animal thing.
[Raz spots a monster of some sort]
Razputin: Uh, Sasha?
Sasha Nein: What is it? Another bunny?
Razputin: No, this is more of a super-scary, flaming-eyed demon type of deal.
Razputin: [After looking through the memory entitled "the world shall taste my eggs!"] Okay, what the hell was that? I'm seeing some crazy stuff in here, Sasha. This can't be right.
Sasha Nein: Ach. Why did I buy the the CHEAP Brain Tumbler?
Dr. Loboto: Now the problem originates here, in the area that we in the medical profession like to refer to as THE BRAIN!
Dr. Loboto: I hate to be so blunt, but YOU have the insanity... of a manatee!
Dogen: I know, people are always saying that. What do you think's wrong with my brain, doctor?
Dr. Loboto: How should I know? I'm a dentist. But here's what I do know: if the tooth is bad, we pull it!
Dr. Loboto: Now hold still, this will only hurt until your brains come flying out!
[Dogen sneezes his brain out]
Dr. Loboto: Oh, good boy! There's that pesky brain. Here's a tissue. Now don't you feel better my dear lad?
Dogen: [Now brainless] TV..?
Dr. Loboto: Of course! Right here. [Loboto picks up Dogen's brain off the floor.] And THIS bad tooth, we'll just drop it in the ol' garbage chute. Now don't chew solid foods for six hours!
Razputin: Is this a nightmare... Or a plan? Or both?
[edit] Sasha's Shooting Gallery
Sasha Nein: Young man, I hope you've learned a lesson here today.
Razputin: Yes, I have. That shooting things is fun and useful!
Sasha Nein: No! That once you lose control, it's very hard to get it back!
Razputin: Got it. All thoughts must be 100% controlled at all times.
Sasha Nein: Well, not exactly. If you were to suppress all of your undesirable emotions, they'd build and build and eventually explode.
Razputin: Oh...So, what would happen if I blocked off all of the censor outlets?
Sasha Nein: Well, there would be a build up of censor energy in the [The ground starts shaking violently] ...Run, Razputin. Very fast.
Sasha Nein: [To the Mega-Censor] You are my own creation! I command you to stop! [Gets smashed anyway]
Sasha Nein: Say something hideous and horrible jumps out at you. Something so disgusting that it simply must die...
[Sasha trips a button with his foot to reveal a very ugly lamp]
Sasha Nein: Oh... so tacky! I can't... look... directly at it! [to Raz] But I control those feelings, focus them, concentrate, and... Release! [psi-blasts the lamp to pieces] ...And the world is a better place.
Sasha Nein: [While stuck on the Mega Censor's stamp, after being hit repeatedly] No Aunt Bernie, of course I didn't get your calls or I would have responded right away.
Sasha Nein: [Whilr stuck on the Mega Censor's stamp] My name is Yan Yansen I live in Wisconsin I work In the lumberyard there...
[After Raz destroys the lamps]
Sasha Nein: Excellent. A victory for good taste.
Sasha Nein: You will learn to control these emotions, focus them, and release them.
Razputin: As therapy?
Sasha Nein: No, as firepower.
[After saving Sasha from the Mega-Censor]
Razputin: Is this the part where I get another lecture?
Sasha Nein: No. Here is your merit badge. We shall never speak of this again.
Razputin: Wait, so why did the censors attack me in my own mind? Don't I belong there?
Sasha Nein: Perhaps there is something wrong with the Brain Tumbler. Or you could be insane, but we'll run tests on that later.
[edit] Milla's Dance Party
Milla: It's Razputin, the rolling rock star!
Nightmares: It's hot. It's burning.
Nightmares: Milla, Why did you let us die?
Nightmares: Miiiiiilllllaaaaaa
Nightmares: Where are you, Milla?
[When Raz tries, and fails, to enter water on his Leviation ball]
Milla: Hmm... that shouldn't be happening. Do you have some aversion to water, darling?
Raz: It's a very long, involved story.
Milla: Oh. I understand. You know, darling, it's very normal for a boy your age, so don't be afraid to talk to me if you need to. I'm here for you.
[edit] Lungfishopolis
Lungfish Civilian: [describing "Goggalor"] He's impervious to bullets! And love...
Kochamara: I've got the brain of a little girl back in my lab that could power a whole army of Psycho-Blaster death tanks... [realizes Raz is laughing at him] What's so funny?
Razputin: You have the brain of a little girl?
Kochamara: ...I said, "in my LAB!"
Razputin: I think you have the muscles of a little girl, too!
Kochamara: Hard to avoid... AREA ATTACK!
Lungfish Civilian: [seeing "Goggalor"] Hey look everybody, it's Kochamara...oh wait it's Goggalor. RUUUN!!!
Japanese Lungfish:: [pointing at Raz] Ho! Goggalor!!!
Resistance Fish: Hey Goggalor!
Raz: What? Are you talking to me?
Resistance Fish: AHHHHHHHH!!!! My Ears!!!
Raz: [whispering a little] Sorry!
Resistance Lunhfish: AHHHH!!!! Oh My GOD!! AHHHHH!!! [then he dies]
Raz: [whispering] Are you okay?...
Resistance Lungfish2: He's dead!
Raz: [Talking normally] Oh sorry.
Resistance Lungfish2: Its okay. Every member of the Resistance is ready to die fighting the tyranny of Kochamara.
Newscaster: Oh my god! Goggalor's headed for the orphanage!
Newscaster: Phew! Goggalor's headed away from the orphange!
[Raz smashes the orphanage]
Newscaster: Oh my god! The puppy orphanage!
Lungfish: NO, not the Natural History Museum!
Imprisoned Lungfish: This is the best you could do?
Resistance Lungfish: Well, we were short on time and he is good at smashing things!
Raz: Have you come up with a better plan yet?
Resistance Lungfish: How about, "turn in Goggalor for reward money?"
Raz: Wait, are you sure Kochamara] and your little friends won't mind me smashing up your city?
Resistance Lungfish: No.
Resistance Lungfish 3: Uh..no, no, no.
Raz: So smashing up the town and breaking the prison, no ones gonna get mad and start shooting at me?
Resistance Lungfish: No!
Resistance Lungfish 2: ...Well, maybe one guy. But what's a whole lungfish navy to the mighty Goggalor?
Raz: Wait, navy?
Kochamara: Overly-intricate...COMBINATION!
Raz: Wait, aren't you gonna come with me?
Resistance Lungfish: Er, we'll stay here until it's clear...
Resistance Lungfish 2: For insurance reasons.
Resistance Lungfish: And FREEDOM!
[edit] Thorney Towers Home for the Disturbed
Dr. Loboto: Well, I've reviewed your chart, little girl. The bad news is, we're going to have to remove your brain... strap it into an armored battle tank, and have it shoot down innocent civilians with its concentrated psychic death beam!
Lili: I'm gonna kill you so much.
Dr. Loboto: The good news is that your insurance should cover the whole thing. Hey, is it getting warm in here?
Lili: No, I'm trying to set you on fire through this stupid hat!
Dr. Loboto: What a delightfully mean little brain you have! Just what we want! Here, do me a favor. Tell me if this smells like... YOUR DOOM! Heh heh!
Lili: I-I can't smell anything.
Dr. Loboto: Curses! You're a stubborn little ball of phlegm, ain't ya? Well, that head cold won't protect you forever, little girl, and when it's gone you'll be sneezing a different tune. A tune in the key of... brains! HAAA HA HA!
Sheegor: I'm not going to bring you any more brains if you're going to be so mean to them!
Dr. Loboto: No matter what I do?
Sheegor: No, no matter what.
Dr. Loboto: Not even if I...
[Loboto reaches towards the stove to turn up the heat on a pot over which he holds Sheegor's beloved turtle, Mr. Pokeylope, hostage.]
Sheegor: No, don't!
Dr. Loboto: Not even if I cook you a little...
Sheegor: Don't, doctor! No!
Dr. Loboto: A little turtle soup?
Sheegor: Please, Dr. Loboto! No!
Dr. Loboto: Hm, a nice, hot turtle soup, hmm?
Sheegor: Noooo!
Dr. Loboto: Nothing better on a cold night like this than some boiling hot soup!
Sheegor: You leave Mr. Pokeylope alone!
Dr. Loboto: Oh, Okay. Are you sure?
Sheegor: Nooo! I mean, YES!
Dr. Loboto: Alright, alright... Oh, why don't I just go ahead and heat you up a cup? It's made from turtles! Turtles that you love! Isn't that right, Mr. Pokeylope?
Sheegor: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Dr. Loboto: Okay, well maybe I'll just make some for myself.
Sheegor: [Running from the room] Yaaaaaahhh!
Dr. Loboto: Bring me a good brain, Sheegor, or Mr. Pokeylope becomes Mr. SMOKEY-lope! Ha Ha Ha HA! HOO HOO! HO HOO HOO! Smokey-lope! HAAAA! [Nonchalantly to the turtle] When you're a dentist, you have to learn to have a sense of humor, you know. It helps to calm the patient down.
[Razputin finally confronts Coach Oleander after rescuing Sasha and Milla's brains and freeing Lili]
Razputin: You! You stole all my friends' brains! You turned an innocent fish into a giant monster! You stole all the teachers--derailing my education! AND, you kidnapped... [pauses, looks at Lili, who nods] ...MY GIRLFRIEND!
Lili: [in her mind] Why won't you just shut up and kiss me?
Raz: Uh...I can hear that.
Lili: I know.
Raz: [to Lili] ...And the crib wasn't even that clean!
During the ultimate battle between Sasha, Milla, and Oleander
Oleander: You...tall people!
[A psychic battle ensues, and suddenly, Ford appears wearing psitanium on his back.]
Ford: You know something, Mory, we've got a word for people like you in the Psychonauts who turn on their own.
Oleander: Ha! I don't need the Psychonauts anymore, old man. I'm gonna rule the world with my fleet of brain-powered death tanks! You got a word for that?
Ford: Yeah...Gesundheit!
[Blows sneezing powder in Oleander's face, effectively saving the day]
[edit] The Milkman Conspiracy
Boyd Cooper: There's something in the fridge that might help you see the world like I do.
Razputin: Ooh, sorry. I don't drink... before noon, I mean.
Boyd Cooper: Beware the cows! Not all milk is enriched!
Raz: [After being given a fake gun by Boyd] Couldn't I have a real gun? With bullets?
Boyd Cooper: What, give a loaded gun to a 10 year-old? What do you think I am, crazy?
Den Mother: Would you care to join us in our Rainbow Squirt Pledge of Purpose?
Rainbow Squirts: "To promote niceness. To make the world prettier. To share candy with everyone. To obfuscate the true nature of the Milkman. To protect the Milkman at all costs. To eliminate all who threaten to reveal his secret objective."
Den Mother: Do not follow! The milk is not ready, and you are not ready for the milk!
Den Mother: I told you not to follow. Now YOU MUST DIE!
Razputin: But--
Den Mother: THAT IS THE WAY OF THE RAINBOW SQUIRTS!
Den Mother: I'm going to take your eyes out!
Razputin: Ha! You can't. That is the purpose of the goggles!
Den Mother: [after being defeated] Look what you've done! He wakes! And the sea... [coughs] shall run ... white ... with ... his ...rage! [Passes out]
The Milkman: I am the Milkman. My milk is delicious.
Razputin: Hey, is that milk regular kind, or the exploding dream kind?
The Milkman: It's fortified with what the world wants. What the world deserves.
The Milkman: My employer has commissioned me to deliver this milk, to whitewash what went on here. I cannot rest until I have made my final delivery.
Raz: I am a grieving widow.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I am your sister in grief.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Should I remarry or remain faithful to my spouse?
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I wish my loved one was not dead, but alive.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: I wish my loved one had remembered to indicate me as the beneficiary of his 401k plan.
"Grieving Widow" G-Man: Why. God. Why.
"Plumber" G-Man: Although I often smell of excrement, I should not be discriminated against as I provide a valuable service.
"Plumber" G-Man: There are no documented cases of alligators living in the sewers.
Other "Plumber" G-Man: Feces.
"Watering Can" G-Man: That is a nice watering can. May I ask how much you paid for it?
"Watering Can" G-Man: Plants need water poured on them, because they have no hands to hold glasses of water.
[Talking about his gun.]
Raz: It's fake. I'm worried the other assassins will laugh at me.
"Assassin" G-Man: Shhh... Don't broadcast that fact, they look real.
"Assassin" G-Man: I kill not for passion, but for money.
"Assassin" G-Man: My motives are clear only to myself.
Raz: I work for the road crew. This is my stop sign.
"Road Crew" G-Man: Yes, we all work on the road crew. Our backs are killing us.
"Road Crew" G-Man: Hello fellow road crew worker. Welcome to the road crew.
"Road Crew" G-Man: Look at that woman's breasts. They're large.
Raz: I am baking a pie.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: You better not be trying to steal my husband...tramp.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: Although over time, my husband will desire me less, sexually, he will always enjoy my pies.
"Pie-making Wife" G-Man: For the last several years, I have relied on prescription medication to make it through the days.
"Pie-Making Wife" G-Man: When my husband drinks excessively, I use this rolling pin to beat him, but we are still very much in love.
"Helicopter" G-Man: Helicopters can go up and down. Helicopters move sideways too, but not as fast as planes.
"Phone Repairer" G-Man: I can listen to any phone conversation that I want, but do not because of my sense of professional responsibility.
Raz: I work in the sewers.
Non-Sewer-working G-man: Gross! That is a terrible job! I would never let you date my daughter.
[edit] Asylum Grounds
Razputin: Hey... I like it!
Edgar: Ah, you see, the poor dumb beasts have no thumbs, so I ask you... how are they holding their cards?
Razputin: St--St--Sticky paws?
Edgar: It should be impossible, and yet somehow they go on... playing the game.
Edgar: In the end, Razputin, aren't we all just dogs playing poker?
Crispin: Whatever.
Fred: The battle can't be won! We're gonna lose it!
Crispin: I'm afraid you lost it years ago, Fred. Now, pipe down over there. I am the orderly, and I run a quiet, peaceful insane asylum.
Crispin: One moment. You're not Dr. Loboto. My eyes may be half gone, but I would recognize the mad doctor anywhere. He has a stone-cold face a man doesn't easily forget. He wears a beastly smock covered in thick straps like an electric chair. And in the place where his hand should be there's nothing but a gleaming metal claw. So unless I'm mistaken, you are not Dr. Loboto, you do not pay my salary, so kindly step away from my elevator and die. Thank you, sir.
Edgar: [hit with a Confusion Grenade] Ugh... Who chained this building to my leg?
[After you beat Waterloo World]
Fred: Is he really gone? Hello? Hello? Anyone else in here? Ha! We did it, Raz! I'm all me again! One person - not French! Get me out of this dang jacket so I can go strangle me an orderly!
Raz: Hey, good thinking, Fred. That sure would save me a lot of work.
Fred: Yep! Right after I take a nap.
Raz: Yes! A- wait, nap?
Fred: War is hell, Razputin, and I'm sleepy. [yawns] I'll take care of Crispin for ya, just as soon as I... [falls asleep]
Raz: Oh, man...
[After you assemble your Doctor Loboto disguise]
Crispin: Taking her up yourself today, eh, Doctor? Less work for me.
Fred: Inmate Whytehead.
Crispin: Chief Orderly Bonaparte! You're... you're...
Fred: Armed?
[After you free Lili]
Edgar: Well, it's official. the genius is back. Time to go get ready for my gallery show. [pulls his chain out of the floor, breaking a gas main] Uh-oh, this looks bad. [sniffs] Ah, well, that's good. Someone must have turned off the gas long ago.
Gloria: [outside in the garden] Oh, here's what my poor flowers need - a little water. [turns the gas back on]
Edgar: Oh, no, I spilled all my turpentine and acetone!
Fred: [climbs out of a window and sees Boyd poised to throw a milk bottle into the asylum] Hey, Boyd! Long time no see!
Edgar: Oh, Mister Orderly! I did not see you there. I was just taking a little therapeutic walk in the moonlight-
Fred: Relax, the asylum's closed. We can all go home.
Gloria: Leave? Here?
Fred: Yeah, this place is for crazy people. And I don't know about you, but I ain't crazy no more!
Edgar: I have to tell you, I'm feeling pretty good...
Gloria: You know, maybe it is time for us all to move on.
Fred: What d'ya think, Boyd? You ready to blow this popsicle stand?
Boyd: [hurls the milk bottle into the asylum, where it explodes] The milkman has completed his route. You guys wanna split a cab?
[edit] Gloria's Theater
Becky: Well, I'm off to kill myself.
Bonita: What? Can't you see I'm drowning in my own misery here? Should I be doing something with my hands?
Raz: You're mean and fat!
Jasper: And...?
Raz: Just giving you the update.
Becky: [If you try to firestart her] Hot flash! Hot flash!
Jasper: I just can't take my eyes off it! It's like watching a Car Crash... A car crash where the victims can't act, and the medics forget their lines!
[Raz has chased the Phantom through the catwalks. He is now jumping around the theater])
Raz: OK, Mr. Phantom. It's time to see who you...really...are?
[The Phantom returns to Jasper's box and removes his mask, somehow gaining a great deal of weight in the process. Raz realizes that Jasper is, in fact, the Phantom!]
Raz: I so totally guessed that!
Actress: Uh-uh! You thought it was Becky!
Raz: Well...he was my second guess. [Goes over to Jasper] All right, Jasper! I know you're the one who's been causing all of the problems around here.
Jasper: WHAT? How dare you accuse me of being the rugged and romantic Phantom, who has captivated audiences for months on end?
Raz: Hmmm...yeah, you're probably right. He's so agile and limber and thin. He could never be you.
[Pause. Jasper blinks in shock.]
Jasper: Why, you little...OF COURSE IT'S ME!
Raz: Well, time to hang up the cape, Tubs, because your days of terrorizing this theater are over!
Jasper: Maybe as the Phantom...but he's nothing compared to the full, destructive force of an angry critic!
[His chair flies into the air, becoming a floating weapon]
Raz: Now, how can I say this and still sound cool...uh...'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?'
[edit] Waterloo World
Soldier: Mon dieu! I hate bridges! Zat was for killing my fathaire! Bridge!
Fred: Hey, quit destroying my bridges! You're making me mad!
Carpenter: Oh, man, I would love to go over there, but that soldier would kick my ass... and I don't get paid for that.
Carpenter: Go away, burglar!
Raz: I'm not a burglar!
Carpenter: Yes you are! I can hear your feet on my roof. Why don't you go down through the chimney? I've got a nice, hot fire roaring just for you.
Raz: If I was on the roof, how could I be talking to you down here?
Carpenter: Maybe you're a ventriloquist!
Soldier: None shall pass!
Raz: Fred, your soldiers think you don't care about them. They think you wouldn't care if they lived or died.
Fred: What? I care about them?
Raz: Well, they don't believe it.
Fred: What do they want? A letter on my official stationary saying that I'd be sad if they died?
Raz: Yeah, that'd work.
Fred: Oh...okay.
Peasant: Wow...he really does care! I'd be honored to die for my leader now.
Raz: Wait, you're not necessarily gonna die...
Peasant: Oh, come on. Fred's a great leader and all, but he's still Fred.
Raz: Hey, check out this cool coin I found.
Peasant: Whoo, money! [To Wife] Honey, I'm off to die for an incompetent leader who won't even remember my name! You're in my will.
Raz: Oh, come on! Again with the dying?
Peasant: I just hope she doesn't go and spend it all on scrap-book supplies. Part of the reason I'm so ready to die...
Razputin: [talking to Napolean's first soldier] I can burn wood with my mind.
Soldier: That would be cheating.
Fred Bonaparte: [After being hit] Ow! Oh, go ahead, beat me up. I don't care.
Napolean Bonaparte: Trust me, he doesn't.
[edit] Black Velvetopia
Razputin: [in the sewers, which oddly resemble a gym shower] This place reminds me of high school... which is weird, because I'm only 10.
Razputin: [after beating Tiger] Sleep tight, kitty.
Eagle: Ca-Caw.
Razputin: That's it? Ca- [Eagle punches him in the face] -OOF!
Eagle: Ca-Caw.
Lampita: [crying over Dingo, then looks at Edgar] Um, I always... loved you more...?
[You can see this if, after you receive the confusion grenade from Dingo, you lob one at the dog waiting downstairs.]
Painter Bulldog: ...Oh, my, GOD. GOD. Is DOG....spelled backwards.
Raz: Um...are you okay?
Painter Bulldog No, wait! God...is CAT...spelled backwards. Ooooh no. Oh, nononono, no!
Painter Bulldog: [begins to slather paint slowly over his stomach] I'm shaaaavinnng, just like daaaaddeeee...
[edit] The Meat Circus
Raz's father: ... And I have more hair than that!
Butcher and Little Oly: Don't run or daddy's gonna' kill ya!
Little Oly: Ahh!! My face!!!!
Raz's father: Is that really what I look like in your mind?
Raz's fake father: Man, do I hate psychics! And my son's happiness!