D&D exerpts

I started Dm'ing a little while ago, and I love dicking with my players. I decided to post a few of my shenanigans here for funsies. I encourage you to do the same.
My friend leo is in this campaign of mine. He just tried picking up a barmaid in an evil town and got slipped a roofie. He wakes up nekkid in an alleyway.

kirakito (10:15:20 PM): You hazily stumble out of the alleyway and shield your eyes from the sunlight as you emerge. The first thing to hit your sight, as well as your whole head as you ram your head into something soft, is a rather large pair of green breasts. Prying your head from the cleavage, you quickly cover your nose as the stench of an overpowering perfume causes your eyes to water. Wiping away the tears you look up at what you've run into. Standing at over two heads taller than you is a large orc woman towering over you with a wide flirtatious grin stretching across her face, her tusks jutting out in a crooked fashion. At first glance she doesn't appear to be wearing any clothing, but upon further reflection, you notice her attire. A black leather thong is strung tightly around her waist in a look like it'd snap if he took a single step. A pink heart is embroidered on the crotch of the piece. A torn pair of stockings cling to her incredibly muscular thighs down to her calves, which in turn are enveloped in a pair of heeled boots coming up to her knees. A leather strap is all that holds in her bosom, a chain link connects it together in the center. A large ring followed by two studds pierce her bellybutton, and a red heart is tattooed just to the right of it. Across her shoulders drapes a silk red sash that covers her thick neck. She raises a pierced eyebrow at you and takes a puff from a small pipe and blows a small cloud of smoke shaped like a heart into your face with a wink.

zarcox3 (10:17:15 PM): "um hello there"

zarcox3 (10:17:24 PM): "would you mind telling me where I am?

kirakito (10:18:30 PM): She reaches out with her muscular arm grabs you, gently tossing you over her shoulder and carrying you off.

zarcox3 (10:18:51 PM): "whoa that costs you extra miss!"

kirakito (10:19:17 PM): "First one on the house."

zarcox3 (10:20:02 PM): "well where are you taking me and more importantly do you have decent clothing i could wear?"

kirakito (10:28:56 PM): "Won't need clothing where we're going." She stomps off down the lane and pushes open the door of a wooden building with an elegantly carved sign depicting a crescent moon with a heart in its crest. She ducks under the doorway and enters. The temperature takes a sudden incline as you feel it gets suddenly warmer. The scent of some strange incense fills the air and several men and women of various shapes and sizes adorn the room, each wearing about as much clothing as the Orc. A spikey-haired half-elf girl approximately in her thirties crosses her arms and smiles at the Orc. "Well well well, looks like Frankie bagged herself a prize." Frankie grunts and nods to her, then heads towards a staircase. A bugbear man wearing nothing but a leather corsette and a g-string puffs on his pipe as she passes. He is probably the cleanest and most well groomed of his kind you've ever seen. "Oh, Frankie, he is adorable. Be careful not to break him in half, i'd like to have a go myself." She flashes a wide grin and trudges up the stairs.

zarcox3 (10:30:09 PM): "um what is going on?"

zarcox3 (10:30:18 PM): "wait a minute!

zarcox3 (10:30:24 PM): hey let me go!!!"
I remember one time the Ranger in our party had to bargain with the local blacksmith, a very large and ugly old woman, to get his awesome sword forged. He had to give himself to her for the night.

That sword, coincidently, made him cringe ever time he drew it, because "Ingrid" was engraved on it, and was what the sword was named, after the waiting lover he had back in that town.

Really, I have way too many weird stories about DnD. Partially because there were so many different people playing with us. The core foursome was me, with my Human Druid Furok, who's quirk was he was a stoner, my buddy Mike, and his Dwarvern Barbarian Frankatol, whos quick was not only being Bipenicular, he also sported a "Finger Giving" skill, my friend John, and his aforementioned Elven Ranger, Bardobrae, whos character quirk was being emo, and my friend Brian, who had a Half-Elven Rogue named Chainer, who died and was revived no less than two dozen times throughout the course of our three year campaign. (At least three of which were directly caused by Furok)

There were several others that played that were notable, The Fighter Goren (who had a Charisma score of 1) The Sorcerer Faldor (whose full title was St. Faldor, Master of Wonders, Savior of Grith, Slayer of Giants and Dragons, Fondler of Goddesses) and Theobold, the Evil Bard that was at one time the party's greatest recurring foe, but later joined us.

There's honestly so many stories that are weird that I can't honestly remember all of them, but if I ever see anything that reminds me of one of them, I'll be sure to tell you it.

EDIT: I went back and looked through my old DnD notebook, and I can say that out of the total of 11 people that played various times throughout the 3 year campaign, that there were 38 different characters in the party at various times. In fact, the only person who not only stayed the entire three years, but kept the same character that whole time, was me and Furok.
I love playing charismatic characters, I find them the most fun. They're the best characters to get into the greatest shenanigans. Yaznet, my drow warlock, and Keito, my elven sorceror. Favorite characters. i like to use 'em in various campaigns.

Great moment, I had just attained level 10, and got my first fifth level spell, I chose magic jar. For those who don't know what that is, you take a gem, put your soul into it, and posess other people's bodies. I went around town possessing various people at random. I posessed a dog, a little kid, and a townguard before I got bored. While in the kid I stripped nekkid in front of my other teammate channing as she drank at the bar. In the guard, I turned to his buddy and said. "I had a revelation. I want to be a showgirl and wear A pink dress. I will call myself shirley." The guard looks at me funny and whispers. "Not now honey, wait until we're alone."
I personally can't get into it myself...

But these stories you guys write are awsome reads.

: D
I once DM'd a small group. Consisted of a gnome fighter who insisted he was a king (he even wore a fake crown), never wore enough clothing, and was a chicken thief. Then there was the halfling cleric who got some kind of weird thrill when he saw people being decapitated, and the halfling (yes, my group was a bunch of midgets) assassin, but he never landed the killing blow, no matter how hard he tried. Once it was made official that it would never happen, I even messed with him a bit. He was alone, 1v1 with a bodyguard, and the bodyguard happened to get a critical fail (natural 1). Instead of just missing, I had him impale himself on his sword. The RP got so stupid I had to just call it off.

And then there was last saturday. A party consiting of a bard, a ninja, a cleric, and my wizard (AKA: Good Necromancer with a lance). Lets just say, it ended up with a half orc beaten to near death (he will never have children), the cleric willing to defy his god to kill me, the bard being useless, and the ninja being dragged away by hobgoblins, and my character never got any drugs from the smuggler's ship.

Not really DnD, but in a Werewolf: the Apocalypse game, one of the players had no idea what the Black Furies were really like. So, he asked the obvious question to them. "Gee, is it that time of the month or something?"

He lost SHITLOADS of renown. It was awesome XD
There was one pretty funny moment at camp when we played DnD.

DM: You enter the dungeon door, which immediatly opens onto a large, huge infact, hall. The roof is too high to be seen, appearing to fade into blackness. However, a large, crystal chandeleer hangs from the ceiling, directly above the center of the room, supported by only one rusty chain. Besides several boulders being littered about the area, the floor is relatively empty; save for a few piles of bones, and a more recent, un-disturbed skeleton with a bottle in hand and a backpack still on. As your party investigates the area, a sound that resmebles wind is produced, and a Dark Mantle drifts down from the ceiling into the middle of the chamber. It lets out a low moan and begins to hover.

Knight: I pick up the bottle, and throw it at the chain supporting the chandeleer.

DM: Uh, alright.

*Knight rolls a 20*

Knight: Hell yeah!

DM: ...Ehm... the bottle flies through the air, and shatters the chain. The chandeleer drops instantly, impaling and crushing the Dark Mantle... Once the dust settles, you notice that there is a door on the other side of the room.

(blah, blah, blah.)

So yeah. We killed a Dark Mantle by using a bottle found in a skeleton's hand.
You sure? Bottles do bludgeoning damage, which specifically doesn't break things, even on crits...
Could be a broken bottle that hit a very rusty link.
No, not really. By the rules, bottles do bludgeoning damage, and bludgeoning damage can't break things. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I could take a good solid glass bottle and break a vase with it.

I don't see how that non-break bludgeoning rule makes any sense. Beating something with a blunt object seems like a better alternative to slashing or jabbing at it if I'm trying to break it.

Depends on the relative hardness ratings and stuff, I guess.
What about using a Hammer to bust down a door? See, it works.

That said, a bottle couldn't break a chain like that, just strictly from a term of hardness of metal vs. glass. If I was DMing that situation, you could have rolled a 156, and I wouldn't have done that. Even in a world of magic, physics still reigns.

Now, if it was a MAGIC bottle...

Quote (SpaceMonkeySteve)

That said, a bottle couldn't break a chain like that, just strictly from a term of hardness of metal vs. glass.

Yes, it could, if the chain was heavily rusted and losing its 'hardness'.
The chain was made of clay, because the former owner of said mansion was quite eccentric.

Now, I don't play D&D, personally, but I have friends that do. One of my friends (He showed up for about a month, here, under the username "Omnivore") was a dual class Rogue/Mage. But the thing was, he kept insisting he was a mage, but IC his companions never believed him, because he never used magic. To "Fireball" an enemy, he'd soak a rag in a flammable substance, ball it up, light it on fire, and toss it at the enemy. This went on for most of the campaign. But when they came to a town, which they had to destroy, they were all "EH? How do we do that?" So this friend comes up, thinks, and then uses Meteor Storm on the town.
Hilarity ensued.
You do know that some of the material components for a spell are a pun, right? I mean, take a look at Scrying. IIRC, the material components are a mirror, a lemon and a copper wire. Think about it. You're really just MacGuyver-ing it into working.
I was a Dwarf-Paladin.
At camp.
Then I said 'fuck this, this is stupid' and went off to do Riflery.
Oh, speaking of material components, ya know how its optional to keep track of them? Well I love playing mages, but never give a rats ass about the components unless they cost over 10 gold, which they rarely do.

So my team's just gotten to this wizard's academy right, and after a bit of time traveling, we found this amulet. We give it to this wizard to indentify cause I ran out of level 1 spells for the day. Here's the material components.

A pearl of at least 100 gp value, crushed and stirred into wine with an owl feather; the infusion must be drunk prior to spellcasting.

We were a bit confused at this until we realized that it was necessary for the spell.

DM: "The wizard grimaces at the concoction but swigs it down anyways. A few moments later his eyes begin to glow and he babbles on in an incomprehensable tongue. He shakes his head and spits into the goblet." "Horrible stuff. Hate doing that spell."

Me: "Try adding in a bit of cinamon, it gets rid of the nasty aftertaste."

DM: "I'll try it sometime."

(A while passes and after we've killed this evil wizard and jacked his loot.)

DM: "You rummage through the crates and find three pounds of cinnamon."

Me: "Told ya! Who called it?"
"How much damage does a goblin do?" --Player
"It depends on what he is weilding..." --DM
"No...I mean if I pick him up and throw him!" --Player

also, I heard of this game that involved a haunted house in the middle of the woods, it whent like this...

GM: you are in a foggy clearing that wasn't there before you went to sleep. dead center of the clearing is a old wooden house.

mage: I search the area.

GM: you find nothing but dried leaves and twigs.

mage: perfect!

GM: wha?

mage: warrior, you go gather branches. Rouge, you help me gather enough kindiling...

GM: wait, come on, I paid money for this.

[10 rounds later]

GM: the fog lifts as the last of the house if consumed by the fire. also, I hate you.
Actually, you do know there are feats for 'Fling Ally' and 'Fling Enemy', right? I'm actually looking into them as a serious PC option for my Barbarian 7/Bear Warrior 1 build. I'm hoping to end up with Barbarian 7/Bear Warrior 10/Warshaper 3, mainly for the insane strength bonuses I'd get when I rage. By 20th level, I'd have, let's see ... Strength 25 when not raging, and Strength 45 when I do, with Con 20 and Con 28 when raging. I could've made it higher by playing an Orc and having stat penalties, but I really didn't feel like playing an Orc. Though, actually, I kinda wanna figure out what my overall attack bonus would be at 20th level ... if I kept the current weapon...

+47 to hit outside of raging, with +67 inside. I have no idea what that's like at 20th level, but ... wow. And, of course, my weapon bonus will go up. I'm just counting the +2 weapon I have right now. Need to work on my AC, though. At 8th level, it's only 23...