Death in my book

Quote (shadow654204)

ok i quees i need to tell every one shadow the main charchter is heartless has no feeeling when comes to gathering infomation where does it say he crushes the guys throut the trout caves in shadow does not lay a hand on the guy

Oh, he makes peoples' trouts cave in. Lovely.

Damn. I'm too nice.

And The Trout Strikes Back! XD

I smell...

I smell...

I smell butchered English! And highly improbable to near-impossible concepts!

what do you think is inpossible it is a fantasy book

Butchered english is fail. And the writing style, even past that, is simplistic and unappealing.

now what do you mean by that?

He means that you should totally reconsider this if you plan on making a long story out of it.

it's a death in my book ok i just wanted to know what every one thinks

I think it's horribly written and if the rest of it is anything like that you need to start over.

Like i said befor it is the rough draft of that death, but what i want to know is what does every one think, Of the death is it brutal or not is it cold hearted or not.

To be perfectly honest, when compared to some of the shit one of my friends has written, yours seems bland. Not only is it cliche as hell (something I've already pointed out, but w/e), it isn't interesting; admittedly bad style of writing, no real dialogue, nothing going on this, and a dead horse for a character.

tl;dr: Go watch Higurashi or whatever instead.

how many time do i have to say this it is a death in my book it show the death of course there is not dialog the vic cant talk much less breath and shadow the main person cant talk because he is concentraiting his bowers and if he brake the consentration he loses his attack

I have but one request of you.
I don't mind your spelling so much...
Just please, PLEASE use punctuation. Hitting the period key isn't that much work, and it makes it much easier for me to read things that you say.

Rough draft or not, I think this needs work...
Lots of work.
Take the advice of everyone that's posted here, pretty much.

Alright, this was asked to be reviewed...?

The grammar is horrible, the spelling is weak, the capitalization is all but nonexistent in the locations it needs to be, you haven't put spaces after the periods, and the combined effects of the aforementioned items makes it all but unintelligible. Even when I've decoded the text from its current state, it still remains unbelievably difficult to understand. Cliched, as has been stated before, but put into a form that, removed from the context of the rest of whatever piece of literature this belongs/belonged to, has become completely incomprehensible.

ok you know what? I am sick of reading the crap your telling me if you don't like it just say so

Fine, we don't like it. :'D

I guess it's our fault for not telling you this in the first place, but just in case you haven't noticed, we're all a bunch of assholes here in RN.

Quote (Phoenix)

Fine, we don't like it. :'D

I guess it's our fault for not telling you this in the first place, but just in case you haven't noticed, we're all a bunch of assholes here in RN.

I'm not.
D:

I reviewed it NICELY.
:0

Quote (shadow654204)

ok you know what? I am sick of reading the crap your telling me if you don't like it just say so

You asked for an OPINION.
Not a yes/no, good/bad answer.

In which case, yes, it's bad. However, with a bit of a lot of correcting, and the rest of the story, it might amount to something. Hop to it, boyo!

ok i was ok with opionins up intill they kept saying the same thing after i told you all i don't know how many times that it was a rough draft of what it would look like ok now i will just start a new question is it original or cleshay?

I think you're misunderstanding something here. The general consensus that everyone has been giving you, (That it's bad.) you've been assuming that they are talking about the piece as an entire piece of work, and remind us that this is a rough draft.

In reality, everyone here knows completely that this is a very rough draft. Despite that, even for a roughest of rough drafts, this is terrible. This is not only bad for a rough draft, it's bad for a rough draft to a rough draft. I can understand running through really quick, and fixing spelling an punctuation later, it's a common tactic, and I'm not faulting you on it. I can tell that you put some serious work into putting extra detail into the description, and I can respect that too.

Now, to answer you last question. Yes, your description is terribly cliché, and quite frankly, boring to read. You, in packing in extra detail, have completely removed any good tempo to the line. It makes it a chore to read through all of the extra, pointless, detail. Sometimes you need to go with something simpler to get ahead.