Death in my book

Quote (shadow654204)

ok you know what? I am sick of reading the crap your telling me if you don't like it just say so

You asked for an OPINION.
Not a yes/no, good/bad answer.

In which case, yes, it's bad. However, with a bit of a lot of correcting, and the rest of the story, it might amount to something. Hop to it, boyo!

ok i was ok with opionins up intill they kept saying the same thing after i told you all i don't know how many times that it was a rough draft of what it would look like ok now i will just start a new question is it original or cleshay?

I think you're misunderstanding something here. The general consensus that everyone has been giving you, (That it's bad.) you've been assuming that they are talking about the piece as an entire piece of work, and remind us that this is a rough draft.

In reality, everyone here knows completely that this is a very rough draft. Despite that, even for a roughest of rough drafts, this is terrible. This is not only bad for a rough draft, it's bad for a rough draft to a rough draft. I can understand running through really quick, and fixing spelling an punctuation later, it's a common tactic, and I'm not faulting you on it. I can tell that you put some serious work into putting extra detail into the description, and I can respect that too.

Now, to answer you last question. Yes, your description is terribly cliché, and quite frankly, boring to read. You, in packing in extra detail, have completely removed any good tempo to the line. It makes it a chore to read through all of the extra, pointless, detail. Sometimes you need to go with something simpler to get ahead.

ok well thaks for clearling every thing up and um the reason that it is boreing to read is because you do not know what has led up to the killing of a inocent hav you have no idea of the shadows past and what he does and the reason for not puting up what lead to the killing is because i had no idea what was goin to lead to the death when i put it up here i only knew the way the death was going to happen and aftewr i get what i have been working on for the rp i will try to work on the death a little more.

Sure.

I won't lock this, but I'll tell everybody to STFU about this already, or I may start handing out warns to the people who continue ragging on about this.

[/sudden burst of Official inspiration]

i am ok with constructive critisisim like any thing to add but it's the comments talking about the spelling the puncuation and grammer that gets on my nerves

I have an idea.

Copy-paste your rough draft into Microsoft Word, or whatever word-processor you have. Make the edits it suggests.

I 100% guarantee people will be at least a bit nicer if it's not hard to read. We'll work on the plot details once it's OK grammatically, kay? You gotta get the hang of that first.

Quote (English Ninja)

Sure.

I won't lock this, but I'll tell everybody to STFU about this already, or I may start handing out warns to the people who continue ragging on about this.

[/sudden burst of Official inspiration]

Can you read, Hiko? Drop it.

ok i am posting the death a as new post here cause i made alot of changes so here it is please tell me if you like it or not


AS me and ledge climb to the top of mount death. I notice that the emperor of darkness was here but I was too late have left no trace of him being here. In the corner of my eye I notice someone trying to leave this place. I rush over to him cutting off his path I slam him to the ground so I could ask a few questions "where is the Emperor of darkness?" "I..I don't know where he is much less who he is." "Liar!" "I know that you know where he is." "What makes you think that?" "I saw you looking through the rubble." "well sorry to burst your bubble I don't know where he is." Don't make me kill you I swear I will kill you." "hahahahah well I guess you will have to kill me now because I have no clue where that person is." he refuses to tell me what I want to know. I concentrate my powers of shadow around his lungs. Tainting them as I go down further passing his heart, tainting every organ in his body. Then going back to the heart tainting the heart as well. I asked one last time where the Emperor of Darkness is he does not say. He tries to breath in caving his skin inside his throat then turning his whole body inside out. Turning him into nothing but shadows at last he dies after vanishing into the shadows themselves. As I walk off I say to ledge he could of lived if he told me where the Emperor of darkness was.

Quote (SpaceMonkeySteve)

Quote (English Ninja)

Sure.

I won't lock this, but I'll tell everybody to STFU about this already, or I may start handing out warns to the people who continue ragging on about this.

[/sudden burst of Official inspiration]

Can you read, Hiko? Drop it.

Well, he asked for help, and I nicely gave him a solution.
Wasn't 'ragging on'.