Death in my book
last edited by
ok i quees i need to tell every one shadow the main charchter is heartless has no feeeling when comes to gathering infomation where does it say he crushes the guys throut the trout caves in shadow does not lay a hand on the guy
last edited by
Oh, sweet calamari on a pogo stick. There's only one word I can use to describe this whole thing: cliche. The whole thing is horribly cliche.
Heartless evil dark shadow character that goes interrogating/killing people to find the Master of Darkness so he can get the Dragon Balls and become Super Saiyan and ressurrect the magic dragon and kill it again and steal it's powers so he can take over the world with the most beautiful girl in the multiverse who secretly plans to kill him when he's sleeping at his side while making truly horrific run-on sentences.
Yes, I know that was a bit harsh, but it's the truth. I dislike this particular brand of cliche, and I haven't had my coffee yet.
Heartless evil dark shadow character that goes interrogating/killing people to find the Master of Darkness so he can get the Dragon Balls and become Super Saiyan and ressurrect the magic dragon and kill it again and steal it's powers so he can take over the world with the most beautiful girl in the multiverse who secretly plans to kill him when he's sleeping at his side while making truly horrific run-on sentences.
Yes, I know that was a bit harsh, but it's the truth. I dislike this particular brand of cliche, and I haven't had my coffee yet.
last edited by
Quote (shadow654204)
ok i quees i need to tell every one shadow the main charchter is heartless has no feeeling when comes to gathering infomation where does it say he crushes the guys throut the trout caves in shadow does not lay a hand on the guy
Oh, he makes peoples' trouts cave in. Lovely.
last edited by
I smell...
I smell...
I smell butchered English! And highly improbable to near-impossible concepts!
I smell...
I smell butchered English! And highly improbable to near-impossible concepts!
last edited by
Butchered english is fail. And the writing style, even past that, is simplistic and unappealing.
last edited by
He means that you should totally reconsider this if you plan on making a long story out of it.
last edited by
I think it's horribly written and if the rest of it is anything like that you need to start over.
last edited by
Like i said befor it is the rough draft of that death, but what i want to know is what does every one think, Of the death is it brutal or not is it cold hearted or not.
last edited by
To be perfectly honest, when compared to some of the shit one of my friends has written, yours seems bland. Not only is it cliche as hell (something I've already pointed out, but w/e), it isn't interesting; admittedly bad style of writing, no real dialogue, nothing going on this, and a dead horse for a character.
tl;dr: Go watch Higurashi or whatever instead.
tl;dr: Go watch Higurashi or whatever instead.
last edited by
how many time do i have to say this it is a death in my book it show the death of course there is not dialog the vic cant talk much less breath and shadow the main person cant talk because he is concentraiting his bowers and if he brake the consentration he loses his attack
last edited by
I have but one request of you.
I don't mind your spelling so much...
Just please, PLEASE use punctuation. Hitting the period key isn't that much work, and it makes it much easier for me to read things that you say.
Rough draft or not, I think this needs work...
Lots of work.
Take the advice of everyone that's posted here, pretty much.
I don't mind your spelling so much...
Just please, PLEASE use punctuation. Hitting the period key isn't that much work, and it makes it much easier for me to read things that you say.
Rough draft or not, I think this needs work...
Lots of work.
Take the advice of everyone that's posted here, pretty much.
last edited by
Alright, this was asked to be reviewed...?
The grammar is horrible, the spelling is weak, the capitalization is all but nonexistent in the locations it needs to be, you haven't put spaces after the periods, and the combined effects of the aforementioned items makes it all but unintelligible. Even when I've decoded the text from its current state, it still remains unbelievably difficult to understand. Cliched, as has been stated before, but put into a form that, removed from the context of the rest of whatever piece of literature this belongs/belonged to, has become completely incomprehensible.
The grammar is horrible, the spelling is weak, the capitalization is all but nonexistent in the locations it needs to be, you haven't put spaces after the periods, and the combined effects of the aforementioned items makes it all but unintelligible. Even when I've decoded the text from its current state, it still remains unbelievably difficult to understand. Cliched, as has been stated before, but put into a form that, removed from the context of the rest of whatever piece of literature this belongs/belonged to, has become completely incomprehensible.
last edited by
ok you know what? I am sick of reading the crap your telling me if you don't like it just say so
last edited by
Fine, we don't like it. :'D
I guess it's our fault for not telling you this in the first place, but just in case you haven't noticed, we're all a bunch of assholes here in RN.
I guess it's our fault for not telling you this in the first place, but just in case you haven't noticed, we're all a bunch of assholes here in RN.
last edited by
Quote (Phoenix)
Fine, we don't like it. :'D
I guess it's our fault for not telling you this in the first place, but just in case you haven't noticed, we're all a bunch of assholes here in RN.
I'm not.
D:
I reviewed it NICELY.
:0
last edited by
Quote (shadow654204)
ok you know what? I am sick of reading the crap your telling me if you don't like it just say so
You asked for an OPINION.
Not a yes/no, good/bad answer.
In which case, yes, it's bad. However, with a bit of a lot of correcting, and the rest of the story, it might amount to something. Hop to it, boyo!