Death in my book

thank you darkstar1006 and don't for get about Punctuation
i do all of that in the final draft

please tell me what do all of you think about my death in my book

Well... I could explain it more if you think of it as a pizza.

You have a pizza base there. You haven't run through all the problems (i.e. spelling, punctuation, etc) therefore, it's quite lumpy. You need more toppings, such as the victim clinging to his skin (possibley tearing?) or screaming and wild eyes, etc. Give it more texture, more filling, more flavour! Make your words taste good to the eyes! That, is the culmination of a good writer!

Also, double posting is a no-no.

well first let me thank you for what you have said and second part of what you said was flawed ok answer me this after shadow tainted the guys organs and asks where the master of darkness is the guy trys to breath to give a answer his skin caves in his throut and turns his whole body inside out how can the guy talk,screem etc you go to a mirror breath in intill you skinn makes a dint in your neck hold it and try to talk and i will still work on it i maight make 3 versons of it

Twi did it.

ok i never heard twi so please explain that and if you did what i said what was the outcome could you talk?

Sure. I got two words for you.

"OMG ZETA NAVIS CANT BE DELETED HE WAS GO PIONT BLANK!!!!1"

Lego...he's never even been here before I told him...and I doubt he knows what your telling him and i'm not in the mood to explain to him, so, might want to make things clearer for him.

Ugh... Do I have to be serious all the time?

Look.

Guy with "shadow powers" wants answers, right? Seems a bit pointless to crush his throat, even if it wasn't his fault.

Though it did happen in Rozen Maiden.

*Crystallised*

ok i quees i need to tell every one shadow the main charchter is heartless has no feeeling when comes to gathering infomation where does it say he crushes the guys throut the trout caves in shadow does not lay a hand on the guy

Oh, sweet calamari on a pogo stick. There's only one word I can use to describe this whole thing: cliche. The whole thing is horribly cliche.

Heartless evil dark shadow character that goes interrogating/killing people to find the Master of Darkness so he can get the Dragon Balls and become Super Saiyan and ressurrect the magic dragon and kill it again and steal it's powers so he can take over the world with the most beautiful girl in the multiverse who secretly plans to kill him when he's sleeping at his side while making truly horrific run-on sentences.

Yes, I know that was a bit harsh, but it's the truth. I dislike this particular brand of cliche, and I haven't had my coffee yet.

Quote (shadow654204)

ok i quees i need to tell every one shadow the main charchter is heartless has no feeeling when comes to gathering infomation where does it say he crushes the guys throut the trout caves in shadow does not lay a hand on the guy

Oh, he makes peoples' trouts cave in. Lovely.

Damn. I'm too nice.

And The Trout Strikes Back! XD

I smell...

I smell...

I smell butchered English! And highly improbable to near-impossible concepts!

what do you think is inpossible it is a fantasy book

Butchered english is fail. And the writing style, even past that, is simplistic and unappealing.

now what do you mean by that?

He means that you should totally reconsider this if you plan on making a long story out of it.

it's a death in my book ok i just wanted to know what every one thinks

I think it's horribly written and if the rest of it is anything like that you need to start over.