Hazard

So you may remember that I partook in this 'NaNoWriMo' (National Novel Writing Month) thing back in November. I completed that challenge by writing two relatively long short stories. The first was Hazard.

The unofficial subtitle is "Sal jumps off things with lots of words in between," and that's pretty much what it is. It's the story of a brain-damaged thrill-seeker and her stalker, a supernatural being with control over luck.

The story's still in its first-draft phase. The only editing it's been subjected to are basic spelling and grammar fixes that I've done as I typed it up. This means that it's pretty crappy. There are vast tracts of dialogue, narration, and entire scenes that I'm going to drastically change as I start editing it for real. At this point, all I'm looking for are people to read it and give me some initial reaction to the story.

As of the current upload, I've typed up all 22 chapters (about 23,000 words, or 54 pages).

Post your thoughts, comments, feedback, and questions in this thread. Some basic guidelines:

DON'T:

[li]point out spelling mistakes. I'll pick them up when I put the story through the first real editing phase.
[li]give me a hard time because a few of the characters can be classified as furries if you really squint.

• read any further through this topic if you don't want to have the story ruined before hand. I hereby give my permission people to make this topic spoilerville.
  

DO:

[li]ask me about a passage that you're not too clear on, or events that you can't decipher.
[li]make suggestions as to how to make scenes or stuff better than they are now.

• shower me with praise tear this apart.
  

Download the PDF here. FIRST DRAFT COMPLETE.
(If for some reason you can't read a PDF, let me know and I'll send you the original Word document.)

Thanks for reading.

Well, I'm quite enjoying it...

-The first chapter is entirely about one event, which gives a nice sense of time, but in the next two or three chapters, things seem to speed up unnaturally fast, and it's almost confusing. The coverage is nice, but... it's like BAM-ELEVEN, BAM-FOURTEEN, BAM-FIFTEEN, and so on. I'm not quite sure how to fix it, either, I'm not that experienced.

-Oh, come on, "luck gods"? -__-;; On the bright side, away from the cheesiness, it's very-well worded, the entire luck god passage... too many big words, though, no wonder Sal couldn't understand it. :'D

-Back to the first one--wait, what? Six years later? GOD DAMN IT

-You're good at humor :'D

-You definitely do a good job of hooking the reader in, but it's quite easy to lose interest around chapter 2 or 3. Things pick up a lot again around... 4, is it? No, 5. Good job with that.

-OH GOD THIS IS GOOD. Am I supposed to be tearing this apart? I don't seem to be doing a very good job. I can't stop reading...

-Heh, well, it's a good story so far, that's for sure. I'm quite looking forward to the ending, and I only saw like three typos, and I WON'T type them out, as per your request. Good job, I enjoyed reading that. ^.^

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-The first chapter is entirely about one event, which gives a nice sense of time, but in the next two or three chapters, things seem to speed up unnaturally fast, and it's almost confusing. The coverage is nice, but... it's like BAM-ELEVEN, BAM-FOURTEEN, BAM-FIFTEEN, and so on. I'm not quite sure how to fix it, either, I'm not that experienced.

Those are my set-up chapters. Honestly, nothing immensely important happens in Sal's life before she's twenty-one except for her falling out of a tree and somehow not busting her head open. Because I knew that I was going to have to finish the whole plot arc in 25,000 words, I just dashed through the middle period of Sal's life in order to get it done.

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-Oh, come on, "luck gods"? -__-;; On the bright side, away from the cheesiness, it's very-well worded, the entire luck god passage... too many big words, though, no wonder Sal couldn't understand it. :'D

The term 'luck god' serves two distinct purposes: word padding (notice, it's two words), and it's possibly the single biggest stand-in in the history of literature. I hate that term, and the instant I think of something better, I'm replacing it. I'm open to suggestions.

Thanks for reading it. :'D

Eye for an eye, you read my story for Enigma a while back. xD

Completed first draft is up.

(Aw, shit, sixteen more chapters? I'll print this out and read it before I go to bed xD)

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/|__..|...()..|_|..()..|
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God I've missed that writing style, BAM!

best, motherf*cking, story.... EVER!

the whole way it was written reminded me so much of Terry Pratchet, a little darker with the whole suicide thing, but the way that you had this whole magic thing hidden just under the real world. I loved it. You wove the fantasy in with the reality well, the flow was good, matching the tempo of the story's speed. You say that there is hints of furry, but it works well with the whole otherwordlyness. and in all honesty, you guys are complaining about the name, but nothing else really fits. you even manged to weave in the whole failing luck thing without making it glaringly obvious.

This is the stuff kids need, not sparkly vampire crap...