Innuendo Thread

Quote some of the most hilarious sexual innuendos here!

I have a shitload of HP ones.

* What d'you mean, I'm not brave in bed?" said Harry, completely nonplussed.

* "...I know you did Mark Evans two nights ago --"
"He was asking for it," snarled Dudley.

*"I heard you last night," said Dudley breathlessly. "Talking in your sleep. Moaning."

*"Ah well...wand still in your jeans?"

*"JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO USE MAGIC NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHIP YOUR WAND OUT FOR EVERY TINY LITTLE THING!"

* "You two just Apparated on my knees!"
"Yeah, well, it's harder in the dark --"

* "There was a groan of bedsprings, and Harry's mattress descended a few inches as George sat down near his feet.
"So, got there yet?" said George eagerly.

* "...screwing up her eyes each time with the same pained expression she had worn back in Harry's bedroom."

* "Ron was lying sprawled on his back with his mouth wide open."

* "Quite astonishing, the way you contrive to wriggle out of very tight holes."

* "Or any part of your body, really, we're not fussy where we stick this."

* "...when it appears, it is always equipped for the seeker's needs. Dobby has used it, sir," said the elf, dropping his voice and looking guilty, "when Winky has been very drunk."

* "She's somethin' when she's roused, Olympe...fiery, you know...'spect it's the French in her..."

* "He was rather taller than Snape, who, Harry noticed, had balled his fist in the pocket of his cloak over what Harry was sure was the handle of his wand."

* "Stand up and take out your wand, Potter."

* "I thought not," said Snape, watching him closely. "You let me get in too far. You lost control."

* "Manners, Potter," said Snape dangerously. "Now, I want you to close your eyes."
Harry threw him a filthy look before doing as he was told. He did not like the idea of standing there with his eyes shut while Snape faced him, carrying a wand.

* "He was on all fours again on Snape's office floor."

* "Ron wrenched the hangings apart, and Harry stared up at him in the moonlight, as he lay flat on his back."

* "Yeah, Montague tried to do us during break," said George.
"What do you mean, 'tried'?" said Ron quickly.

* "Well, we'll soon find out, won't we?" said Snape smoothly. "Wand out, Potter."
Harry moved into his usual position...

* "But whether James really did take off Snape's pants, Harry never found out."

* "...did things with a wand I've never seen before..."


* "Sirius pushed his chair roughly aside and strode around the table towards Snape, whipping his wand out as he went; Snape whipped out his own."

* "Snape eyed Harry, tracing his mouth with one long, thin finger as he did so."

* "Well?" said Ron finally, looking up at Harry. "How was it?" Harry considered for a moment.
"Wet." He said truthfully.

* "What did he do to you, Diddy?" Aunt Pentunia said in a quavering voice, now sponging sick from the front of Dudley's leather jacket. "Was it-- was it you-know-what, darling? Did he use-- his thing?"

* "He bit hard on his pillow, to stop himself from making a noise."

* "Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty Harry's wand?"

* Harry snorted. He walked around the room again, looking anywhere but at Ron and Hermione. "So what have you two been doing if you're not allowed in meetings?" he demanded. "You said you'd been busy."

* "Say hello to him [Hagrid] for us!" called Hermione, as Harry proceeded down the ward. "And ask him what's happening about...about his little friend!"


* "... every part of him screaming for release, Harry felt the creature use him again..."

* "Fred and George were looking particularly annoyed; both were bandy-legged and winced with each movement..."

* "Don't put your wand there, boy!" roared Moody.

* "He came last night, when you were in bed," said Mr. Weasley.

* "He let out a long, slow breath and stared up at the brilliant blue sky. Every day this summer had been the same: the tension, the expectation, the temporary relief, and then mounting tension again...and always, growing more insistent all the time, the question of why nothing had happened yet."

* "Anyway, its a nightmare of a year, the fifth," said George. "If you care about exam results, anyway. Fred and I managed to keep our peckers up somehow."

* "He [Harry] tried to eat, but it was like chewing carpet."

* Put that away, will you?" said Sirius finally, as James made a fine catch and Wormtail let out a cheer. "Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement."

* "I see," said Uncle Vernon, looking from his white-faced wife to Harry and hitching up his trousers. He seemed to be swelling...

* "'Don't kill Cedric! Don't kill Cedric!' Who's Cedric -- your boyfriend?"

* "Ha ha ha, Harry, look at it--" said Ron, watching it disgorge its gaudy innards. "Harry, come and touch it, bet it's weird--"..."Harry, look what's happen--no--no, I don't like it--no, stop--stop--"

* "Kreacher won't *quite* as devoted to him as to my mother, but I still caught him snogging a pair of my father's old trousers last week."

* "One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley."

* "That was me," he said. "I was slashed..."

* "...which left Harry free to sit down on the grass between the beech and the bushes and watch the foursome under the tree."

* "Kreacher was disappearing through the door to the hall, looking back at them malevolently as he hitched up his loincloth..."

* "Harry's heart began to pump very fast indeed. Defence against external penetration?"

* ...She pressed hard on the top of his head. "Doesnt it ever lie flat?" she said desperately. Harry shook his head.

* "Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around. There were several faces peering trough various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his wand hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent."

* "He and all the other Weasleys froze on the threshold, gazing at the scene in front of them, which was also suspended in mid-action, both Sirius and Snape looking toward the door with their wands pointing into each other's faces and Harry immobile between them..."

* "We're not going to use magic," Ron ejaculated loudly.

* "I don't think private matters between myself and the Minister are any concern of yours, Potter," said Malfoy, smoothing the front of his robes. Harry distinctly heard the gentle clinking of what sounded like a full pocket of gold. "Really, just because you are Dumbledore's favourite boy, you must not expect the same indulgence from the rest of us...shall we go up to your office, then, Minister?"

* "Well-- it's just that you seem to be labouring under the delusion that I am going to-- what is the phrase?-- come quietly. I am afraid I am not going to come quietly at all, Cornelius."

* "Zacharias folded his arms and said nothing, though perhaps this was because he was too busy keeping an eye on the instrument in Fred's hand."

* "This'll liven you up, Padfoot," said James quietly.

* "Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, wands raised..."

* "I DID IT!" said Neville gleefully. "I've never done it before -- I DID IT!"

* "Who?" said Harry quickly.
"Ginny Weasley, " said Katie.
Harry gaped at her.
"Yeah, I know," said Angelina, pulling out her wand and flexing her arm. "But she's pretty good, actually. Nothing on you, of course," she said, throwing him a very dirty look, "but as we can't have you..."

* "I was sure if he realized that our relationship was - or ever had been - closer then that of headmaster and pupil..."

* "A couple of weeks after his dream of Rookwood, Harry was to be found, yet again, kneeling on the floor of Snape's office..." (Australian edition)

* Snape's office door banged open and Draco Malfoy sped in.
"Professor Snape, sir - oh - sorry -"
Malfoy was looking at Snape and Harry in some surprise. ( Australian edition)

* "You are not in a position to bargain, Potter," said Lucius Malfoy, his pale face flushed with pleasure. ( Australian edition)

* "You think you're such a big man, Potter," said Malfoy, advancing now, Crabbe and Goyle flanking him. "You wait. I'll have you." ( Australian edition)

* "... his right, Malfoy's arm extended, too, reaching, groping... It was over in two, breathless, desperate, windswept seconds- Harry's fingers closed around the... ball..."

* Both Sirius and Snape lowered their wands... the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses seemed to have brought them to their senses...
"But what's going on?" asked Mr. Weasley.
"Nothing, Arthur," said Sirius, who was breathing heavily as though he had just run a long distance."

* "Mrs Weasley returned from Diagon Alley around six o' clock, laden with books and carrying a long package wrapped in brown paper that Ron took from her with a moan of longing."

* Fred and George exchanged looks.
"You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?"

all the above are just from Order of the Phoenix...

* Yeh've got to stroke 'em," said Hagrid, as though this was the most obvious thing in the world. "Look-"

* "You are easily satisfied. Lupin is hardly overtaxing you--"

* "What are you doing?" said Harry curiously. "How come you're not going to Hogsmeade?"
"We've come to give you a bit of festive cheer before we go," said Fred with a mysterious wink. "Come in here..."
He nodded toward an empty classroom to the left of the one-eyed statue. Harry followed Fred and George inside. George closed the door quietly and then turned, beaming, to look at Harry.
"Early Christmas present for you, Harry," he said.
Fred pulled something from his cloak with a flourish...

* "How come Fred and George never gave it to me!" said Ron, outraged. "I'm their brother!"

* "Can we have another go? Just one more go?"
"Not now," said Lupin firmly. "You've had enough for one night."

* "Something sliver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wand"

The Gryffindor Quiddich team orgy:

* "That's my boy!" Wood kept yelling. Alicia, Angelina, and Katie had all kissed Harry; Fred had him in a grip so tight Harry felt as though his head would come off.

* "Tangled together in a many-armed hug, the Gryffindor team sank, yelling hoarsely, back to earth."

* "Harry had a confused impression of noise and bodies pressing in on him."

* "Professor Lupin hurled into the room, his face bloodless, his wand raised and ready."

* Lupin let go of Black and turned to her. She had raised herself off the floor and was pointing at Lupin, wild-eyed. "You-- you--"
"Hermione--"
"--you and him!"
"Hermione, calm down--"
"I didn't tell anyone!" Hermione shrieked. "I've been covering up for you--"
"Hermione, listen to me, please!" Lupin shouted. "I can explain--"

* "I'm going to tie him up," said Lupin. "That's all, I swear"

* "I bound and gagged Black, naturally"

* "Hermione, what--?" "In here!" Hermione seized Harry's arm and dragged him across the hall to the door of a broom closet; she opened it, pushed him inside among the buckets and mops, then slammed the door behind them.

* "Hermione's mouth was slightly open by the time Harry had finished."

* "But Harry could hardly swallow."

* "Why so miserable, Harry?" he said quietly. "You should be very proud of yourself after last night."

* "I knew your father very well, both at Hogwarts and later, Harry," he said gently.

some gems from Prisoner of Azkaban.., and now some mixed treasures...

* 'Thirteen and a half inches. Yes. Powerful wand, very powerful, but in the wrong hands

* Hagrid- "well done Harry. Now I think he will let you ride him."
Harry-"What?"
hagrid lifts harry* (from PoA film)

* McGonagall: "Place your right hand on my waist..."
Ron: "Where?!"
McG. "My waist."
GoF movie

*********Group Member submissions*********

* "Dobby groaned, more tears dripping on the ragged pillowcase"

* "Yeh sure Yeh're all righ'? Yeh look all hot an' bothered"

* "lesson one: Holding Your Wand (some useful tips)"

* "Place your right hand on your broom and say UP"

* "A sharp intake of breath told him they were Hermione's"

* "Lord Voldemort had appeared in the middle of the hall, his wand pointing at harry who stood frozen, quite unable to move"

* "the harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become" - Sorcerer's Stone

* "Quite astonishing, the way you contrive to wriggle out of very tight holes."

* "But Ron was staring at Pettigrew with the utmose revulsion.
'I let you sleep in my bed!' he said."

* "Pettigrew knelt, trembling uncontrollably, and turned his head slowly towards Harry..."

* "As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump: 'DUDLEY! MR DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!'"

* "Whoops- My wand is a little over excited"

* "Snape!" ejaculated Slughorn, who looked the most shaken, pale and sweating.

* "professor--professor, don't you want to taste my p--?" Called Harry desperately

* "Harder!" shouted Harry

* "Harry rubbed his wand feverishly until white sparks shot out of the end... which earned him a disapproving look from Fleur"

* 'Ron had dropped his glass; he half-rose from his chair and then crumpled, his extremities jerking uncontrollably'

* 'Harry felt strangely diminished, as though he had shrunk a little since he had entered the room'

* 'There was no need to stick the wand in that hard,' he said gruffly, clambering to his feet. 'It hurt.'

* 'I dunno,' said Harry. 'Maybe it's better when you do it yourself, I didn't enjoy it much when Dumbledore took me along for the ride.'
* Hestia has just relieved me"

* ...she said playfully, 'Wair is it you are taking me, 'Agrid?'
'Yeh'll enjoy this,' said Hagrid gruffly. 'Worth seein', trust me. On'y - don' go tellin' anyone i showed yeh, right? Yeh're not s'posed ter know.'
'Of course not,' said Madame Maxime...

* i've got the whips waiting...oh please let me do it now...

* "Now, now, boys," squeaked Professor Flitwick reproachfully. "A little less talk, a little more action...Let me see you try...."

* Harry tried every variation of "I need to see what Draco Malfoy is doing inside you" that he could think of for a whole hour...

* Harry, however, had never been less interested in Quidditch; he was rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy.

* As each swelling was popped, a large amount of thick yellowish-green liquid burst forth, which smelled strongly of petrol."

* "He knows man,"
"Knows what?"
"Knows what it's like to be out there DOING it,"

* 'Well, er, if you must know, Ginny, er, walked in on me the other day when I was - well, never mind - the point is, she spotted me doing something and I, um, I asked her not to mention it to anybody.'

* 'Voldemort put a bit of himself inside me?' Harry said, thunderstruck

* "Yeah, size is no guarantee of power" said George.

*"dumbledore lit the tip of his wand, and smiled down at harry"

* "Where do you suppose this goes?"
Harry: "I have a hunch!"

* Harry and Ron were delighted when she told Malfoy he'd been doing it wrong for years"

* Harry didn't sleep all night. He could hear Neville sobbing into his pillow for what seemed like hours. Harry couldn't think of anything to say to comfort him. He knew Neville, like himself, was dreading the dawn. What would happen when the rest of Gryffindor found out what they'd done?

* "..the lump in Ron's pocket trembled.."

* "Harry wondered nervously what Dumbledore was planning to do with him that evening."

* "Harry turned eagerly to see Dumbledore bending over his cabinet."

* "Harry was indeed apprehensive, but Dumbledore was smiling."

* Mr weasley's hand had switched to traveling. 'He's coming!

* "Same time tomorrow?" said Dudley.
"Round my place, my parents will be out," said Gordon.

* "Ginny, your hands are filthy, what have you been doing?"

* "As he (Harry) closed the study door behind him, he distinctly heard Phineas Nigellus say, 'I can't see why the boy should be able to do it better than you, Dumbledore.'

* "...Harry, who was still trying not to think about Ginny any more than he could help, despite the fact that she kept cropping up in his dreams in ways that made him devoutly thankful that Ron could not perform Legilimency."

* 'Are you alright?' asked Dumbledore, looking down at him solicitously. 'The sensation takes some getting used to.' 'I'm fine,' said Harry, rubbing his ears'

* "It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away"

* .....said Lockhart, reaching out and grasping his shoulder. 'I understand. Natural to want a bit more once you've had that first taste- and I blame myself for giving you that.."

* "well, aren't you going to put it in, that's what the other boy did"

* "'there was a terrible hollow inside him he did not want to feel or examine, a dark hole where Sirius had been..."

* "'Or had Malfoy's use of the word 'dogging' been a coincidence?'"

* "No - don't" said Harry weakly, but Lockhart was twirling his wand and a second later had directed it straight at Harry...

* "'sodden and shivering, Dumbledore's weight still upon him. . ."

* 'you know how much I like children Dumbledore'

* 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

* "I can touch him now!"

* "He just needs a firm hand." -Hermione

* "We've been at it for hours, can't I rest" Harry panted
"The Dark Lord never rests." Replied Snape smugly.

* "You've done beautifully, let me take it from here" Sirius

* 'I would prefer it if you were slightly lower, Harry,' said Lupin, moaning slightly.

* ]...pulled out a very battered looking wand. It was chipped in places and something white was glinting at the end.

* 'Harry was annoyed that ron and hermionie had got together without inviting him'

* " Harry, however, thought it better just to be quick at whatever Hagrid wanted him for. He was very curious to know what this might be; Hagrid had never asked Harry to visit him so late at night."

* 'Twelve and a quarter inches...pleasantly springy. It's in fine condition. You treat it regularly?'
'Polished it last night', said Cedric, grinning.

* 'Rather thicker than one usually sees...quite rigid...ten and a quarter inches...'

* "Lavender, can I see Uranus too?"

* "Harry was rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy"

* 'Harry struggled with the buttons of his jacket. Where chivalry came into this, he didn't know.'

* 'Everybody come together.'

* What's got your wand in a knot?

* "He looked simply too big to be allowed, and so wild-"

* "A magic wand...this was what Harry had been really looking forward to!"


* "harry pulled his wand out of the trolls nose, it was covered with a sticky gray substance"

* '"Put your arm around my neck -"
Neville did so - Harry heaved - Neville's legs were still flying in every direction'

* 'Harry felt the tip of Malfoy's wand pressing hard between his ribs'

* "Come on!" said Harry desparately, hauling at Neville's robes. "Just try and push with your legs-" He gave another stupedous heave and Neville's robes tore all along the left seam'

* 'He was jumping down the steps again, pullin out his wand'

* ""Think you're a big man carrying that thing, don't you?" Dudley said after a few seconds.
"What thing?"
"That -- that thing you're hiding."

* Then he whirled his wand at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them."

* ""Yes," Harry said, gripping his wand very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he? Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wand"

* "[students] messing about together on the pavement."

* "Hermione flushed pink with pleasure"

* "every now and then letting out an exclamation of pleasure."

* Prehaps Snape had left the book in there? It was worth try. He pushed the door ajar and peered inside - and a horrible scene met his eyes.
Snape an Filtch were inside, alone. Snape was holding his robes above hes knees...

* 'All Harry could think about was the great black dog, and what it might be doing to Ron'

* "I only just remembered... last night in your broom shed"

* 'That's better, Harry, that's loads better.' Hermione said, looking exhausted, but very pleased.

* 'Just as long as you're concentrating really, really hard on it, it'll come. Harry we'd better some sleep...you're going to need it.'

* Ron held it at arms length as it kicked out at him with its horny little feet.

**********Deathly Hallows Innuendo***********

* He thought of Ginny and her blazing look and the feel of her lips on his...

* "Good" said Voldemort. He drew out his own wand and compared lengths

* Now that harry's done me, it's time for me to do you ron!" said hermione as she brought him into the house

* "i've got an unbeatable wand, come and have a go if you think you're hard enough."

* wands are only as powerful as the wizards who use them. some wizards just like to boast that theirs are bigger and better than other people's

* At the sight of Krum's wand, the memories came flooding back to Harry

* Hermione suggested to Ron somewhere he could shove his wand..."

* Something hot and wet was trickling down his chin"

* "Uncle Vernon was still staring, appalled, at the bulge in Dedalus's waistcoat pocket."

* 'I'm doing it, I'm doing -! Oh, it's you,' said Ron in relief, as Harry entered the room.

* 'No,' said Bill at once, 'I'll do it, I'll come.'

* Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry,' said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron's raised eyebrows, blushing slightly

* Ron struggled for a moment before managing to extract his wand from his trousers. 'It's no wonder I can't get it out, Hermione, you packed my old jeans, they're tight
* "Harry woke up and was strangely lonely he wasn't included with Ron and Hermione "

* "You're underage!" Mrs Weasley shouted at her daughter a Harry approached. "I won't permit it!"

* "I followed it behind the shed and then it... well it went inside me"

* ''Snape turned on the spot, wand gripped tightly in his hand''

* 'My wand acted of its own accord'

* "I hate the fact that he can get inside me, that i have to watch him..."

* "And twice he came accidentally upon them"

* "For a second they stood quite still, wands directed at each other's chests"

* "Yaxley drew his wand again,pointing it over his companions head"

* "Was he ever inside the Lestranges...."

* "Your wand performed something unique that night..."

* "Malfoy was screaming and holding Harry so tightly it hurt"

* "You'd be surprised, it's not all about wandwork, either"

* ''I'm coming, Harry, I'm coming!"

* "She's sixteen! shouted Mrs Weasley."She's not old enough!"

* Come to my office tonight, Severus, at eleven, and you shall not complain that I have no confidence in you..."

*"...Er - what's happened to you? Why are you so wet?"

* True," said Ron, looking around, "but don't you feel a bit - exposed?"

* "Oh, I'm so sorry, Ron, my hand's shaking!..."

*''Albus Dumbledore Would never pierce him again''

* '..try and do it the way you did last time'

* Harry became conscious that he was naked. Convinced as he was of his total solitude, this did not concern him, but it did intrigue him slighty.

* "After they've read my book,people may be forced to conclude the Grindelwald simply conjured a handkerchief out the end of his wand and came quietly!"

* "give it to me, Gregorovitch!"

* 'They were deeper then Harry had ever penetrated...'

* "With a great creaking of rusty bed springs ron bounded off the bed and got there first. One arm around hermione, he fished into his jeans pocket and withdrew a revolting looking hankerchief"

* "I'm talking about much worse than a brother with a fondness for fiddling about with goats"

* "Hagrid was struggling, and Bellatrix was panting,

* Harry thought inexplicably of Ginny, and her blazing look, and the feel of her lips on his-"

* "Voldemort uses people his enemies are close to. He's already used you as bait once, and that was just because you're my friend. Think how much danger you'll be in if we keep this up. He'll know, he'll find out and he'll use nagina, his snake."

* 'Harry jumped over the bed and seized the dark shape he knew to be Hermione- she shrieked with pain as he pulled her back across the bed'

Some others:
Harbin: I can't do it when they leave THEMSELVES

Can we include really good "That's what she said" jokes?

Pokemon innuendo remembered so far.

Dawn: Oh thanks for helping me get back my Pokedex, Ryou! If Professor Rowan found out that I lost it... ewww... I don't want to think about what he'd do to me.

HAHAHAHAHA, NICE RS!

What was it that that...Fau...thing said? THIS IS THE MUSTARD OF YOUR DOOM!

Quote (bluebasium911)

Can we include really good "That's what she said" jokes?

Sorry for the double post.
Preferably not, unless it's uber-epic. Or you're taking a quote that's TWSS-able.

I must admit, it's been a while since I laughed that hard at anything on the net. If I can think of anything good, I'll post it here.

ToS

Colette: Why are you out so late, Zelos?
Zelos: Oh if you come with me tonight you'll see~
Sheena: Hey!
Zelos: What! Whoa! Sheena! I didn't know you were jealous!
Sheena: (blush) Hell no!

Regal: I'll drag you down to hell with me! (If you think about DRAGGING DOWN)

Lloyd: Okay! I'll just marry one of you!
Sheena: What!?
Lloyd: Relax, it's just marrying someone, right?
Sheena: *sigh* Lloyd you blockhead.

Kratos: Lloyd... (stares for a loooong time at Lloyd)
Lloyd: Wh-What? What are you giving me that look for?

Zelos: (When Regal or Kratos heals him) Love ya!
Regal: :0
Kratos: ...

-Fanfictions of ToS-
Lloyd: Fine you're not getting any tonight, bitch!
Colette: ...

-Gurren Lagann-
Leeron: Just stick it in!

Kittan: I would like to meet your children.

Leeron: What should I do to shut that mouth of yours, hm~

((Er... that's all I can remember. D: ))

I've been collecting some from Gun X Sword as I watch it. I have a bunch, but they're pretty vague: I included 3, but the last one's the only one that really works.

"With the arm of his that caused that tragedy, he brought me to the doctor when I overheated and fell. With him, I..."

"We shall see what you did to become better. If you are yet too immature, I'll take you here and now!"

Episode 13 Preview: "I think everyone lives such a day. A day where one thinks, 'I've become more of an adult today.' To me, that's what that night was.