Actual airline pilot conversations...
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
THE LULZ THREAD
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Little Darkrai walks into his father's room before bedtime and asks his father, "Daddy, what are politics?"
Naturally, his father is rather taken aback, but answers anyway, "Okay, let's say that all the different parts of the family are different parts of politics. I'm the one that makes all the money, so we'll call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. Your nanny; we'll call her the Working Division. We'll call you the People, and your little brother the Future. Think about that when you go to sleep, okay, Darkrai?" He was trying to confuse little Darkrai so he would stop bothering him.
"Okay, Daddy!" Darkrai said happily.
So, its late at night, and Darkrai is still trying to figure out what his father had told him, when he hears his little brother crying in his room. He runs in, only to find that his brother had pooped himself ... a lot. He runs to his mother and father's room and goes inside; his father isn't there. Nevertheless, Darkrai tries to wake up his mother, but nothing he tries will work. He gives up and runs to the guest room, where his nanny was staying over for the night. Looking through the peephole, he sees his father making love with the nanny. Convinced that noone will help him, he gives up and goes to sleep.
The next day, Darkrai tells his father, "Daddy, I've figured out what you said about Politics."
"Oh, really? Then let's hear it," his father said, interested.
"Well," Darkrai began, "While Capitalism is screwing the Working Division, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in really deep shit."
The only good joke I have.
Naturally, his father is rather taken aback, but answers anyway, "Okay, let's say that all the different parts of the family are different parts of politics. I'm the one that makes all the money, so we'll call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. Your nanny; we'll call her the Working Division. We'll call you the People, and your little brother the Future. Think about that when you go to sleep, okay, Darkrai?" He was trying to confuse little Darkrai so he would stop bothering him.
"Okay, Daddy!" Darkrai said happily.
So, its late at night, and Darkrai is still trying to figure out what his father had told him, when he hears his little brother crying in his room. He runs in, only to find that his brother had pooped himself ... a lot. He runs to his mother and father's room and goes inside; his father isn't there. Nevertheless, Darkrai tries to wake up his mother, but nothing he tries will work. He gives up and runs to the guest room, where his nanny was staying over for the night. Looking through the peephole, he sees his father making love with the nanny. Convinced that noone will help him, he gives up and goes to sleep.
The next day, Darkrai tells his father, "Daddy, I've figured out what you said about Politics."
"Oh, really? Then let's hear it," his father said, interested.
"Well," Darkrai began, "While Capitalism is screwing the Working Division, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in really deep shit."
The only good joke I have.
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Skydiving over India
Instructor: Okay mates, we're skydiving over this area. Once you fall for 30 seconds pull on the first tag to let the parachute out. If nothing happens for 30 seconds, pull the second tag. If your parachute hasn't come out 30 seconds later, clap you hands together and pray "BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA!"
So one by one the skydivers jumped out. One pulled his first tag, but nothing happened for 30 seconds. So he pulled the second tag and waited 30 seconds, nothing happened, the trees were getting kind of big. So, in desperation, the skydiver clapped his hands together and prayed "BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA!" for a bit and his parachute came out. In relief, he cried, "OH THANK GOD!"
SPLAT!
Instructor: Okay mates, we're skydiving over this area. Once you fall for 30 seconds pull on the first tag to let the parachute out. If nothing happens for 30 seconds, pull the second tag. If your parachute hasn't come out 30 seconds later, clap you hands together and pray "BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA!"
So one by one the skydivers jumped out. One pulled his first tag, but nothing happened for 30 seconds. So he pulled the second tag and waited 30 seconds, nothing happened, the trees were getting kind of big. So, in desperation, the skydiver clapped his hands together and prayed "BUDDHA BUDDHA BUDDHA!" for a bit and his parachute came out. In relief, he cried, "OH THANK GOD!"
SPLAT!
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A russian, mexican, and an american were sitting togehter, drinking together, and they had pistols.
The russian guy takes a big swig of his Vodka and throws the bottle into the air, and shoots it. "We got LOTS of that in russia!"
The mexican takes his tequila, takes a big drink, throws the bottle into the air, and shoots it "Tons of that in Mexico!"
The American takes a big drink, throws the bottle into the air, and shoots the mexican guy. "Lots of those in America!"
The russian guy takes a big swig of his Vodka and throws the bottle into the air, and shoots it. "We got LOTS of that in russia!"
The mexican takes his tequila, takes a big drink, throws the bottle into the air, and shoots it "Tons of that in Mexico!"
The American takes a big drink, throws the bottle into the air, and shoots the mexican guy. "Lots of those in America!"
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more jokes from the knig of fail...
---
the prime minister of canada, the premier of ontario, and the premier of Quebec we walking in the desert, when they came across a lamp. they rub it, and a djini pops out, saying"you can each have one wish"
the prime minister thinks, and wishes that no one finds out about his scandals. the djini grants it.
the premier of Quebec thinks, and remembering how they want to seperate, wishes that there is a 300 ft wall around his provence, and that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, the djini goes,"it is done..."
the premier of Ontario thinks, and asks the djini, "Is that wall waterproof?"
"Yes"
"fill her up"
---
the three greatest swords men got together and wanted to see which one was the best. they decided to attack the flies in the bar.
the first swordsman gets up, swings his sword, and a fly falls to the ground in 2 perfect halves.
the second swordsman laughed at the firsts display, got up, and swung his sword, and a fly fell in perfect quarters.
the final swordsman gets up and swings his sword at a fly, and it buzzes away. the other two laugh and say how he completely missed. turning to face them, he sheathes his sword and says...
"You weren't watching closely enough..."
"Yes the fly lives, but he'll never be a father..."
---
the greatest joke ever...
Darkrai
---
A canadian, an american, and darkria were out hunting one day. the canadian goes into the forest for 5 minutes, and comes back with a rabbit. impressed, darkrai goes "How did you get it so quickly?"
"I followed the tracks and shot it."
the american goes in the forest, and in 15 minutes, comes back with a deer. Even more impressed, darkrai goes "How did you get it so quickly?"
"I followed the tracks and shot it."
Finally darkrai goes into the woods. As the sun was starting to set, Darkrai crawls out of the woods horriably mangled. "What happend?" the canadian asks...
"I folloed the tracks and got hit by a train..."
---
more later
---
the prime minister of canada, the premier of ontario, and the premier of Quebec we walking in the desert, when they came across a lamp. they rub it, and a djini pops out, saying"you can each have one wish"
the prime minister thinks, and wishes that no one finds out about his scandals. the djini grants it.
the premier of Quebec thinks, and remembering how they want to seperate, wishes that there is a 300 ft wall around his provence, and that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, the djini goes,"it is done..."
the premier of Ontario thinks, and asks the djini, "Is that wall waterproof?"
"Yes"
"fill her up"
---
the three greatest swords men got together and wanted to see which one was the best. they decided to attack the flies in the bar.
the first swordsman gets up, swings his sword, and a fly falls to the ground in 2 perfect halves.
the second swordsman laughed at the firsts display, got up, and swung his sword, and a fly fell in perfect quarters.
the final swordsman gets up and swings his sword at a fly, and it buzzes away. the other two laugh and say how he completely missed. turning to face them, he sheathes his sword and says...
"You weren't watching closely enough..."
"Yes the fly lives, but he'll never be a father..."
---
the greatest joke ever...
Darkrai
---
A canadian, an american, and darkria were out hunting one day. the canadian goes into the forest for 5 minutes, and comes back with a rabbit. impressed, darkrai goes "How did you get it so quickly?"
"I followed the tracks and shot it."
the american goes in the forest, and in 15 minutes, comes back with a deer. Even more impressed, darkrai goes "How did you get it so quickly?"
"I followed the tracks and shot it."
Finally darkrai goes into the woods. As the sun was starting to set, Darkrai crawls out of the woods horriably mangled. "What happend?" the canadian asks...
"I folloed the tracks and got hit by a train..."
---
more later
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were lost in a forest. They came upon a small wooden cabin in their circular movements, and unanimously decided to go inside. Suddenly, a magic genie appeared.
"I'll grant each of you one wish."
So, the brunette said, "I want to go home." And poof, she was home!
So, the redhead said, "I want to go home." And poof, she was home!
And the blonde said....
"I wish my friends were back here with me." And poof!
"I'll grant each of you one wish."
So, the brunette said, "I want to go home." And poof, she was home!
So, the redhead said, "I want to go home." And poof, she was home!
And the blonde said....
"I wish my friends were back here with me." And poof!
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A blond was driving down the highway, looking left and right, and finally pulled over next to a big grassy field. She then gets the cannoo off the roof of her car and starts paddling out into the middle of the field. A while later another blond drives up and shouts "What the heck are you doing?"
To which the first blond replies "I'm cannooing."
The second blond starts getting mad and shouts "It's morrons liek you who give all us blonds a bad name, and if I could swim I'd throtle ya."
To which the first blond replies "I'm cannooing."
The second blond starts getting mad and shouts "It's morrons liek you who give all us blonds a bad name, and if I could swim I'd throtle ya."
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A blonde is broke, and really needs some money.
So she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She snatches a child, and pins a note to him saying "If you want your kid alive, give me $10000. Signed, a Blonde." and makes him go home.
An hour later, the kid comes back with the money, and a note that says "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
So she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She snatches a child, and pins a note to him saying "If you want your kid alive, give me $10000. Signed, a Blonde." and makes him go home.
An hour later, the kid comes back with the money, and a note that says "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
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Oh, dumb blonde jokes is it?
Very Well
A blonde looks into a store and sees a TV Monitor that she likes. She asks the clerk if she can buy it but he says, "No way, you're a dumb blonde."
Then she leaves the store and puts on a brunette wig and goes into the store again asking if she buy the TV, but the clerk shakes his head saying, "No way, you're a dumb blonde."
Frusturated, the blonde walks out of the store again and now equips a red-head wig. She again asks the clerk if she can buy the TV but the clerk shakes his head and says, "No way, you're a dumb blonde."
Livid, the blonde takes off her wig and exclaims, "How did you know?"
To which the store clerk replied, "That's a microwave, not a TV monitor."
Very Well
A blonde looks into a store and sees a TV Monitor that she likes. She asks the clerk if she can buy it but he says, "No way, you're a dumb blonde."
Then she leaves the store and puts on a brunette wig and goes into the store again asking if she buy the TV, but the clerk shakes his head saying, "No way, you're a dumb blonde."
Frusturated, the blonde walks out of the store again and now equips a red-head wig. She again asks the clerk if she can buy the TV but the clerk shakes his head and says, "No way, you're a dumb blonde."
Livid, the blonde takes off her wig and exclaims, "How did you know?"
To which the store clerk replied, "That's a microwave, not a TV monitor."