The sun was high over the village of Ryube. The villagers were going about their daily lives, though a layer of fear seemed to lay over all. Whispers of a monstrous creature filled the villagers' conversations. A dark shadow lay over the city, the shadow of a beast that stalked the villagers and filled their lives with terror.
A young wanderer stood on the outskirts of the village. He seemed filled with purpose as he strode confidently toward the village square. His brown hair stirred in the wind and his pale blue eyes scanned the crowd that was forming around him. He adjusted the sword at his waist and pushed his way through the group of people.
"Could it be?"
"Is he a slayer?"
Whispers surrounded the wanderer. Everyone in the crowd had their own opinion, but most felt that this wanderer could be their savior. Could he be a slayer, a member of that fabled class of warriors skilled in battling the creatures that dwelled in the darkness, capable of destroying the beast that terrorized them? Was it even possible to slay the beast?
An elderly man confronted the wanderer, demanding to know his purpose.
"Well met, stranger. I am Devin, elder of this small village. May I ask why you have come to this beleaguered land?"
"I am called Mael, Mael Atlantis. I have heard tell of a creature most fell that lives in the nearby caverns."
"Yes, much to my regret. This beast of the earth has been attacking our villagers and no man has survived an encounter with it."
"Well, I hate to ask, but is there a reward offered for its eradication?" Mael asked as he subconsciously fingered his empty coin pouch.
"Sir, we cannot offer much, but I have heard tales of a great treasure in the caverns. A treasure horded and guarded by the beast."
"Well then, a treasure?" Mael smirked and cast a cocky glance toward the scared villagers. "I, dear sir, humbly offer my services as a monster slayer."
"Truly, kind sir? We would owe you our very lives if you were to succeed. Thank you so much! We will have a room awaiting your return. Anything we can provide will be yours."
"Heh? I thank you. Now, will you please guide me to these caverns?"
A guide was quickly found and Mael was soon on his way to the cave of the beast. The trip was a short three miles through some light forest that led to a huge cavern. Mael turned to his guide, a young boy who seemed scared of even being near the mouth of the cave, and told him to stay put. The boy seemed relieved and moved closer to the line of trees.
Mael's thoughts came quick and unbidden. The inhabitants of such small villages were all the same, afraid of the unnatural and frightened of what they couldn't understand. However, Mael couldn't rightly blame the villagers for their fears. The tales told in the nearby towns said that the beast had slain at least twelve villagers in the past few months.
Mael entered the cave, the entrance like the maw of some demonic entity with dripping stalactite fangs, and proceeded into the darkness. He pulled a torch from his pack and lit it with a flint and some tender. The flames illuminated the darkness and cast strange shadows along the walls. Mael continued down the path of the cave searching for signs of the beast.
As he walked he found signs of occupation, claw marks raked across the stone walls and there were grooves along the ground as though something enormous had been dragged. Clumps of fur and the bones of several unidentifiable animals were scattered about the tunnel, along with several piles of dried dung. Mael had to tie a rag across his nose and mouth to block out the horrid stench of decaying flesh and fecal matter. Whatever manner of beast dwelled in the caverns, it was huge, carnivorous and evidently sported long, massive claws that could tear through stone.
"This is going to be fun..." Mael's voice dripped with sarcasm.
His torch reflected against a metallic substance ahead of him. His search brought him to a large cavern filled with treasure: gold, silver, jewels and weapons of all kinds. Mael searched the room, seeing several fine prospects for the taking, but decided to take care of business before pleasure and headed deeper through the tunnel. However, he did remove a long spear from beneath a pile of gold. The weapon seemed to be forged from one continuous length of steel that ended in two foot serrated tip like those used for hunting boar or other large prey.
Across from the entrance from the treasure trove was another long tunnel. As the slayer neared the tunnel entrance, he could feel a warm current waft against his face and a low rumbling sound caught his attention. Mael snuck down the tunnel, as quietly as possible, and peeked into the next room. A huge beast was lying in the middle of another large cavern. It resembled a large mole with three eyes, two normal eyes with lids closed and one crimson orb set in its forehead that continuously scanned the room with frantic movements. Massive claws, each like the blade of a harvest scythe, tipped its limbs and long fangs hung down from its upper jaw as the creature seemed to snore peacefully.
Mael ducked his head back behind the tunnel wall as he formulated a plan. The creature itself seemed to be asleep, which would make Mael's job far easier than he could have hoped. However, the lidless crimson eye disturbed him. He had heard tales of such orbs in the possession of powerful wizards. They were third eyes that granted access to a higher dimension of physical senses. Mael doubted that, despite the beast's apparent slumber, he would be able to sneak into the room and execute the monster without a fight. The eye would have to go first.
"I hope you had a nice nap because you are about to get a rude awakening." Mael shouted.
The crimson eye swiveled to stare intently towards the tunnel wall that Mael hid behind. The orb began to glow and Mael could have sword that he could feel the beast staring right at him. A loud scratching noise confirmed his suspicions. The mole beast had awakened and was moving towards his position, the crimson eye allowing it to sense his presence despite his concealment.
Mael gripped the spear tightly as he waited for the beast to near. He felt the creature's hot breath and could smell the rotten flesh of its previous meals. With a bellow of defiance, Mael dashed in the cavern and spotted his target. His charge took him spear first into the glowing crimson eye of the murderous mole. The spear bit deep, blood spraying forth to stain Mael's leather vest, but not deep enough to slay the beast.
The creature howled in pain and jolted upright. It shook its head and knocked Mael away. They slayer drew twin daggers from his belt and stalked around the creature as it desperately tried to remove the spear. Its other eyes opened and it searched for its attacker. It's eyes, bloodshot and tightened in rage, found Mael and it raked a huge claw towards him. The slayer jumped back, tossing the daggers in the same fluid motion, but couldn't completely dodge the blow. One scythe like claw shredded his protective leather vest and raked a fiery line of crimson across his chest.
Mael flinched with pain, but accepted the blow. His daggers had found their marks, each sticking like a needle in the remaining eyes of the beast. It was now blind, but far from dead. Mael drew his sword and dodged around the beast. It was disoriented with the pain and unable to follow his movements. The slayer's blade flashed along the beast's ribs and Mael dashed to the other side to strike again.
A lucky swipe of the creature's paw sent Mael smashing against the wall of the cave. His sword slipped out of his hands and dizziness overtook him. Feeling the hit, the beast turned and bore down on the slayer. Mael barely dodged the creature's next slashing blow as he stumbled to the side. Mael turned to face the beast and shook his head to clear the disorientation. He had one chance.
Mael dashed toward the creature, dodging another slash, and jumped on its head. He shoved the spear further into the creature's skull. Crimson blood pumped from the wound and Mael's hands became slick with ichor. The mole thrashed in pain, but its death was certain as the spear was driven further into its eye socket to pierce the brain. Mael jumped off its head and retrieved his sword, dodging into a side tunnel to avoid the thrashing beast. The creature's death throws were wild. It smashed against the walls of the cave, causing stones to rain down in the cavern, but eventually it slowed. Finally, it was dead.
Mael took his blade and hacked off one of the beast's claws as proof of its death. He then gathered his weapons, including the gore covered spear, and moved back to the treasure room. He was long overdue for a reward. He filled his coin pouch with with gold coins and searched the room for anything else that caught his eye.
A large sapphire sphere, about two inches in diameter, was the first item to attract his attention. It sat on top of a pile of coins, and Mael estimated the sphere to be worth more than the entire pile that it rested on. It shimmered in the light of his torch, sending particles of blue light flashing across the room. Mael took the sapphire and pocketed it. He lacked room to carry much more treasure, though he was determined to return one day to claim the rest of the beast's horde, if he could devise a way to keep the villagers of Ryube away from the caves now that the beast was dead. All in all, he was satisfied with a job well done.
"What do you think you are doing?!"
The voice came from behind Mael. It was chilling, full of hatred and rage. Mael spun about, spear held ready, to see a glowing, ghostly figure standing behind him. The ghost, clad in plate mail and wielding a massive sword, was floating inches above the floor of the treasure trove. Its face was twisted with rage as it raised the sword, tip leveled at Mael's neck. It spoke once more.
"Fool! This treasure is mine. You may have slain the guardian of these caverns, but how shall you slay what is already dead?" The specter seemed to be laughing as it floated closer to Mael.
"Really now? Let us just see about that, shall we?"
Mael drew his sword once more and slashed at the ghost. The phantom, its body incorporeal, laughed heartily as the blade slid right through it, not harming it in the slightest. An intense cold flashed through Mael as he completed the haphazard strike. He ventured a glance at his blade and saw a coat of ice covering it.
The ghost reached out his hand and touched Mael's shoulder. Iciness flowed through him, stealing the heat from his body. Mael jumped back, but stumbled and ended up tripping over a pile of wealth. He fell to his back and the ghost advanced. Mael searched frantically for a weapon to use. His sword was useless to him, but perhaps his new spear would do the trick. Mael rolled backward and stood, clasping the spear tightly as he climbed to his feet. He hefted the spear, arm raised with the metallic tip of the spear pointing straight for the ghost's heart. He hurled the spear, the impromptu projectile flying true to pass through the ghost and fall to the ground, covered in a lair of ice. The ghost laughed once more.
There was only one thing left for Mael to do and he dreaded the prospect. If physical strikes were ineffective, Mael had to hope that his limited magical abilities would be able to defeat the ghost.. He reached deep within himself, summoning the arcane energies that flowed freely throughout all of Schat. The flow of mana was hesitant, slow and halting like brackish water in a stream full of debris. Sweat poured from his brow as he willed the flow of mana into small sphere of energy. The sphere glowed with a soft, flickering blue light before flying straight for the hovering ghost. The specter moaned in pain, but the blast was nowhere near enough to destroy the foul creature.
Mael was panting heavily from the sheer exertion of using his latent magical abilities. His training as a youth had been that of a warrior, forcing him to neglect the arcane arts in favor of the martial aspects of combat. Mael held little skill in any of the schools of magical thought and even the simplest of spells, those that granted command over the elements, left him weak and challenged his will power.
Mael doubled over the catch his breath. He was spent and the ghost would soon strike. It would all be over soon. His hand brushed the sapphire sphere resting in his pouch and he felt a strange mental tug. Mael could hear a strange hum, almost like a song just on the edge of his hearing. Something resonated within him and he instinctually grasped the sapphire stone. Renewed strength flowed through him and he once more summoned up his magical energies, channeling them through the sapphire and into his free hand. Another globe of energy materialized, hovering inches above his open palm. This globe of flowing mana was almost a foot in diameter and is shined brightly with a radiant azure light.
Mael hurled the ball of magical energy toward the charging ghost. The projectile responded to the slayer's will, morphing fluidly to wrap around Mael's arm and elongate into a sharp point that impaled the raging specter through the chest. The flow of energy had hardened, forming a massive lance of ice that held the impaled ghost stuck fast.
"How...How can this be? How can one so unworthy wield the power of the stone?"
In response, the slayer tightened his grip on the enchanted sapphire, willing the stone to aid his manipulation of the mana within him. His outstretched palm, enclosed in the massive ice lance, clenched and cracks began to spread through out the ice. The lance shattered and the splinters of mana turned ice shredded through the trapped ghost. The specter's incorporeal body, defenseless against the powers of the arcane, was decimated by the magical assault. The ghost dissipated into shear nothingness.
Mael collapsed, the sapphire stone slipping from his grasp and rolling across the floor. He was panting as sweat dripped from his body, despite the icy numbness that permeated every inch of him. He spasmed, coughing uncontrollably, and specks of crimson strained the floor. He was drained, having pushed his body too far. He crawled across the floor and grabbed the sapphire. Clutching the stone tightly, Mael rolled onto his back and closed his eyes.
"Perhaps a short nap...." Mael mumbled to himself as he drifted to sleep.
The slayer awoke to the sounds of a great din coming from near the entrance of the cave. He was sore and groggy, but he knew that he had to move quickly. Pain lanced through him, but he pushed himself to his feet and cast about the treasure trove. He quickly secured his ice covered sword and spear, along with the strange magical sapphire and his gold pouch. The sounds were quickly coming closer and Mael was growing desperate.
"There!" Mael shouted as he spotted a bundle of small explosives near the corpse of a previous adventurer.
He gathered up the explosives with a quick prayer of thanks to Shen and headed toward the cave entrance, toward the ever increasing din of sound. He was slow and moving in a tortured gait, but he didn't have far to go. He found a narrower section of the tunnel that he estimated to be about halfway between whatever was causing the noise near the cave entrance and the treasure trove. He set down the explosives and gathered up a length of fuse before continuing toward the opening of the cave.
The sounds grew louder, only a few yards away in the darkened tunnel, and Mael set down the fuse and removed his flint and tender from his pack. A quick spark lit the fuse and Mael smiled as he watched the flame travel back down the tunnel toward the waiting explosives. Using his spear as a walking stick, Mael quickened his pace toward the cave entrance.
A flickering light shined in the distance and Mael hurried towards it. A small group of villagers, mostly the more adventurous youth, was waiting near the cave entrance. They seemed nervous, and Mael could hear them debating about whether they would venture deeper into the cave or not. One of the villagers, a sandy-haired boy who couldn't have been much older than sixteen, noticed Mael and started to jog toward him.
"No, no!" Mael yelled as he waved the kid back. "Get down!"
The force of the explosion knocked Mael to his knees and a cloud of dust engulfed him. Under the cover of dirt and grim, Mael smiled. Hopefully the explosion would block the tunnel to the treasure and, with a bit of creative license on Mael's part, the slayer could be reasonably sure that none of the villagers would venture close enough to raid the trove of gold and jewels.
"What the 'ell was tha?" shouted an unfamiliar voice.
"Some sort of explosion." yelled the teen next to Mael. "What happened in there?"
"Aha..." Mael chuckled. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you kid."
"But Sir, we were asked by my grandfather to venture into the cave to see if you had slain the beast."
"Grandfather?"
"Yes Sir. My name is Rone Traguld. My grandfather is the elder of the village."
"Oh? Well, no need for the "Sir" bit. Just call me Mael, and as for the explosion, I caused it."
"You Sir...Er, Mael?"
"Yes. but let's save the chit chat for later. No need to be choking down dust in this cave when we could be having a drink in the village." Another jolt of pain caused Mael to grasp the long, jagged tear on his chest. "Besides, I think I could use a bit of mending."
"By the Gods!" Rone shouted as he saw the extent of Mael's wounds. "Quickly men, we must get this brave warrior to Tabitha. No time for explanations! Grandfather will ask the questions after the slayer is rested."
The teenager directed his fellow villagers and two of the strongest supported Mael as they exited the cave and traveled the short trip back to Ryube. It was uneventful, despite the sharp jabs of pain that Mael felt with every step. He hoped that this Tabitha was as good of a healer as Rone made her out to be.
It seemed that the whole of the village had gathered to meet the small group of teenagers and the wounded slayers. Cries of concern rang through the group when they saw Mael's wounds followed by bellows of joy when he raised the severed claw of the beast above his head. The elder, Devin, approached Mael and bowed low before the injured man.
"Great warrior," Devin spoke as he stood once more. "You have saved our small village and, for thus, you have all of our thanks."
"Grandfather," Rone interrupted. "Mael is in need of healing more than praise."
"Yes, you are right, Rone. Forgive me, slayer. These fine lads shall lead you straight away to Tabitha for healing." Devin turned towards the rest of the gathered villagers. "Tonight we shall feast in honor of the great slayer who has saved Ryube!"
Cheers exploded from the crowd as Rone and the other teenagers lead Mael through the gathered villagers toward the outskirts of the small village. Fierce pride was evident on the faces of each of the teenage boys. They considered the small responsibility of escorting the slayer to Tabitha as honorable a position as royal guards leading a king down a parade procession.
Tabitha's home was a small hut made of straw thatch and mud. A pair of torches lighted an entrance formed of glass beads hanging from the thatch. Caustic purple smoke rose from a hole in the roof and Mael felt a strange presence that seemed to be watching him.
"This is the healer's house?" Mael asked sceptically.
"Yes," Rone answered, a bit of trepidation in his voice. "Tabitha is a strange old witch, but she is the finest weaver of the healing arts for several days ride. Still, it is best to be on your guard."
"You sound as though I will be attacked."
"Not attacked....Though Tabitha does have a strange appetite."
Mael was starting to have second thoughts about Tabitha's abilities, but he refused to end up being stuck in Ryube while time healed his wounds. He slipped one hand to the hilt of a dagger and stepped through the curtain of beds into the dark, smoky hut. His vision was obscured by a purple cloud of smoke, his eyes watering from the caustic fumes.He coughed to clear his throat and stepped further into the little room.
A Monster Slayer's Tale
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Hmm... I started editing this, because I just can't control myself, and I found a few interesting things. I haven't finished quite yet, but I'd like a little background first. When did you do that last piece I read and when did you make this one?
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Well...Technically, I started this one first. I even got pretty far, about double the length of this segment, but then I stopped to work on another project. During the time I stopped is when I did those segments of Starfire Requiem, and then I came back to this about...A year ago? Basically, I took the basic outline of my previous project and began a complete revision to add a little oomph. So you know, this story follows my basic outline of kicking things off with a major battle.
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Here we go again.
1 — "...a layer of fear seemed to lay..." sounds very odd. You also use the word lay at the end of the paragraph. I'd suggest that you find a different word, spice things up a bit.
2 — You're purposely avoiding saying the wanderer's name in this paragraph, that much is obvious, but why? Is there a particular reason? Is there something special about his name? Are you trying to get the audience's attention, have them think, "Well what's the guy's name?" The way you have it now is fine, I do the same thing myself without even thinking why, but it does make referring to the character difficult. You're forced into using him and he a lot until you find something else to refer to the character as. No actual complaints about this, I'm just thinking. Although I do believe that you meant to put a space between the quote at the end of the paragraph and the paragraph itself. A shame the forum doesn't seem to understand indents, that'd make transferring standard work much easier. Ah well.
5 — "Everyone in the crowd had their own opinion, but most felt that this wanderer could be their savior." Why? Why would they feel that way? Do people with swords generally go out of their way and risk life and limb? The more likely reason is that the people are getting desperate and grabbing at straws. If that's the case, make the people seem, well, more desperate. Next, why would they think he's one of these monster slayers? Does having a sword and being a wanderer automatically make you one in this setting? This second question isn't something you should necessarily answer, at least not that early in the plot, but you should remember it.
6 & 7 — Do these really need to be separate paragraphs? The first is introducing the old man and the second is him speaking, so I'd think it'd be better to have them as one. Nit-picking here, but it's the details that count, right?
8 — If I really wanted to be nit-picky, I'd ask who's talking in this. Granted, it's pretty obvious that it's the wanderer who is speaking, but there are those who might not get the transition. With paragraphs 3 and 4, it was obvious that it was the villagers speaking, thanks to paragraph 5 and it's explanation, but here it's not so certain. Just have the wanderer do something, like absentmindedly brush some dust off of his clothes, before having him speak, so everyone knows it's him. And on a whole nother note, we now have a name for our hero. His way of speaking also tells us not only what time period this is set in, but also about the level of intelligence of our hero.
9 — Again, speaking without any indication of who it is. And again, it's fairly obvious that it's the chief responding to Mael. For some reason, just reading what the elder says here makes me dislike him a little bit. "Yes, much to my regret." There are two ways this can be interpreted. One is that he regrets the death of his fellows, which is what one would assume, but the other is that he simply regrets having to deal with this troubling incident. Regret is just a weak word in this instance, or at least that's how it reads for me. It just sounds like the elder is being selfish, for some reason.
11 — And again, same thing. The audience should understand by now though. I mean, they're been at it long enough that even the dullest of readers should understand that Mael and the Elder are talking back and forth.
12 — Ah, so we find that the hero is cocky. All right, a little character development. But is he cocky because he feels that he can easily handle the threat? Or is he cocky because he looks down on the villagers, like something they find a deadly threat might be little more than a nuisance to one of his skills? The fact that he's smiling at them kind of makes one think the second option, but he might very well be doing all of this as little more than a display to put them at ease. Kind of like, "Hey, no worries guys, it's under control." Not bad, but do you want to keep it vague, as it is now, and leave things up for interpretation? Or do you want to reinforce the idea and make it beyond debate?
13 - The sentence, "We would owe you our very lives if you were to succeed," sounds weird to me. It's grammatically correct, but I don't like how it sounds for some reason. I would replace "if you were to" with "should you". Maybe not even that. I'd consider rewording things, that's for certain.
14 — "Heh?" Heh! Heh... Heh, sorry, just messing around. For some reason, seeing 'heh', used like this got me laughing, probably because I tend to use the word a lot on the internet and on the site. It's my version of 'lol'. At any rate, "Heh?" sounds really weird. I mean, just try saying it. Heh? I mean, I can see "Eh?" used, kind of like saying 'Oh yeah?'. But 'Heh?'... just sounds weird. At any rate, there's something you should use when you're rewriting something. Say it aloud. See how it sounds. If it sounds weird, change it.
15 — This paragraph made me laugh. "Mael turned to his guide, a young boy who seemed scared of even being near the mouth of the cave, and told him to stay put. The boy seemed relieved and moved closer to the line of trees." This is hilarious to me. I know what you're getting at, really. You're saying that the boy is relieved that he doesn't have to go any farther. But here's how it sounds.
Kid - "I'm scared of being here!"
Mael — "Stay here!"
Kid — "Yay!"
But there's my amusement for a bit. I'd suggest rewording it a bit so the boy doesn't seem relieved that he's in a place that creeps him out. Y'know, actually type out that he was glad he didn't have to go any farther in. On a more serious note, Zan, this paragraph in particular seems really rushed. The thing is, there's been very little description up to this point and the whole thing has seemed like it's been pushed along, like you just wanted to bypass the crap and get to the good stuff. And honestly, I think this would have come off a lot better if you'd just done that. Just delete that first page, all the stuff before getting to the cave, and pick up here.
And let's talk about something else. There's no reason not to use support characters to their fullest. Have the kid stutter as he says, 'This is the place,' have him quake in his shoes as Mael investigates the entrance, then finish by having the kid's face blanch as Mael tells him he has to stick around. Something like that. But moving on.
16 — "Mael's thoughts came quick and unbidden." Again, I kind of have to ask why you put this here. Is it unusual for his thoughts to come quickly? Are you showing that he's a talented analyst? It seems that you could leave this sentence out as it really doesn't do a whole lot.
17 — Good description. I like the imagery here.
18 — "As he walked he found signs of occupation, claw marks raked across the stone walls and there were grooves along the ground as though something enormous had been dragged." Reading this aloud, it doesn't sound right to me. Maybe put a period between occupation and claw so to show that there's a bigger pause. At any rate, the story is starting to pick up now. Your descriptions are getting better and things are getting interesting.
20 — "The weapon seemed to be forged from one continuous length of steel that ended in two foot serrated tip..." I think there's a missing 'a' in between 'in' and 'two'.
22 — If Mael knows the mole beast can see him even while it's asleep, why does he think that it being asleep will make his job easier? Or is that just simply his thoughts working themselves out in front of the audience?
23 — "I hope you had a nice nap because you are about to get a rude awakening." A little cliché. It certainly shows that our hero has a rather big head if he's starting off by taunting his foe, but I feel it could have been better. At any rate, since it's a powerful sentence and he's shouting, end with an exclamation mark.
24 — "...Mael hid behind. The orb began to glow and Mael could have sword..." Let's replace sword with sworn.
26 — "The creature howled in pain and jolted upright. It shook its head and knocked Mael away." This is an action sequence. The fewer pauses you have, the better. It's hard melding these two sentences together, so instead add more description. "The creature howled in pain and went up on its hind legs, shrieking and thrashing its head about. Mael, his objective completed, let go of the spear and fell to the ground on his feet before scrambling away from the rampaging monster." Something like that. Maybe something a little more dignified though, heh.
27 — You say the mole is blinded, but aren't they that anyway? I can't say for sure, but I thought that mole's were near blind to begin with. I mean, hard to find a use for eyes when you spend most of your life underground eating worms and roots, y'know? But then again, mole monsters aren't exactly my area of expertise, heh.
28 — "A lucky swipe of the creature's paw..." Was it really lucky? I mean, is Mael really that far out of the monster's league? Or is this simply a second in Meal's mind, him saying, "Eh, lucky shot,"?
29 — "The creature's death throws were wild." I'm pretty sure that the word you wanted to use here was throes.
30 — Wait, how big was this thing? If he can hack off one of it's claws and carry it, it can't be too big. Maybe human sized? I dunno, in my mind, the mole was at least twice as big as an adult human. Maybe a little description on the beast's size would be good? Also, "He filled his coin pouch with with gold coins and searched the room for anything else that caught his eye." Too many 'with's. Delete one of them.
34 & 35 — Classic good guy/bad guy dialogue. Too classic, borderline cliché. I dunno man, something just doesn't seem right about the talking in this piece of yours.
37 — "He hefted the spear, arm raised with the metallic tip of the spear pointing straight for the ghost's heart." Doesn't sound right. Microsoft word doesn't like the grammar of it either. Reword it a bit. "He hefted the spear, raised his arm, then lined the metallic tip..." something like that. Doesn't sound great, but it's better. I'm sure with time you'll think of something to replace it with. Also, "...fall to the ground, covered in a lair of ice." Replace with 'layer'.
38 — Good description here. Some grammatical errors though. "...Mael had to hope that his limited magical abilities would be able to defeat the ghost.." That's just one too many periods. "...flow of mana into small sphere of energy." Sounds like Engrish. Put an 'a' between 'into' and 'small'.
40 — "Mael doubled over the catch his breath." Replace with to. "...almost a foot in diameter and is shined brightly..." Another small one. Replace with it. Nice description though.
41 — Deus Ex Machina, I believe the saying is. Rather convenient that he knew that his magic would act in new ways for him. Or could he do the ice spear thing before? If so, why didn't he do it? Anyway, thinking out loud again. And something else, didn't the Ghost have a sword? Why didn't he try using that? Hmm...
43 — Again, I have to wonder, if he's not that great at using magic, how the heck does he know how to do this? Then again, if it's simply a matter of willing it and having sufficient power, I guess it would work, if that's the formula for magic in this world. Also, "The ghost dissipated into shear nothingness." Something doesn't seem right to me in that sentence. Shear, I've heard the word used and I've used it myself, but my idea of what it actually means isn't that great. Microsoft word says that it's another way of saying, "cut off". So I suppose it kind of works... I don't know, something doesn't seem quite right to me, kind of like shear is redundant in this sentence.
44 — "...specks of crimson strained the floor." Replace strained with stained. Also, we have an inconsistency. In the beginning of the paragraph, you said, "Mael collapsed, the sapphire stone slipping from his grasp and rolling across the floor." At the end though, you say, "Clutching the stone tightly, Mael rolled onto his back and closed his eyes." One would assume that he got a hold of the stone again, but isn't he really tired and weak from the battle?
52 — Things have been better these past few paragraphs. This is probably the new material you added on, right? It seems better than much of the previous stuff. Anyway, I kind of have to wonder why he blew the cave up. I mean, sure, he's worried that the villagers might take it, but didn't the elder say that whatever was inside was his? Is he expecting a double cross? Or does Mael just have problems trusting people? Not necessarily a complaint here, but you should think about this yourself. Character development and all that, heh.
59 — In the sentence, you put full quotes around sir. "Sir". I believe the proper thing her is to put 'Sir'. Half quotes/single quotes, not sure what the correct term is. However, I'm not positive if it's grammatically correct or not, it's just what I do.
61 — Dialogue, rapid back and forth stuff. No complaints on that. Small error in this paragraph though. ""Yes. but let's save the chit chat for later." Just replace that period in front of 'yes' with a comma and it'll be fine.
64 — "It seemed that the whole of the village had gathered to meet the small group of teenagers and the wounded slayers." Slayers? As in plural? Let's shave off that 'S', unless we're briefly viewing things from the villagers point of view and they believe some of the others to have aided Mael. Also, how do we know Devin's name? If we are indeed behind the perspective of the villagers, of course we would know the elder's name. However, in the two previous counts of names in the story, Rone and Mael, the characters have been represented with vague pronouns until their names were mentioned or asked. It just seems strange to break the trend, that's all.
65 — "Mael is in need of healing more than praise" Nothing wrong with this, but I feel it could be more right. This has the potential to be a rather fun statement/scene with Rone scolding his grandfather. A little bit of levity after all of the action. Work with it some more so it comes out more humorous. I'd suggest something myself, but nothing's coming. But I can feel that it's there, and it should be. Y'know?
67 — Nice paragraph, I like this one a lot.
68 — "Caustic purple smoke..." How would we know it was caustic? That, and I'm not to fond of how the thing sounds. How about 'Billowing'?
69 — "Mael asked sceptically." Few spelling errors this time around, that's nice. Anyway, here's one of the few. It's 'skeptically'.
72 — "Not attacked....Though Tabitha does have a strange appetite." Error here, place a space after the three periods. I think three periods in a row is called an ellipse, but I'm not certain. At any rate, let's talk about that sentence some more. Mael was right to question the whole, "On your guard", thing. But why the heck doesn't he ask about this? I know I sure as heck would! This is one incredibly strange thing for someone to say. The way I see it, it can be taken in two different ways. That one, Tabitha is a CANIBAL. And two... well, two I'd rather not talk about. That's just embarrassing. And I'm going to assume that it's number two, that it's not so much a matter of hunger appetite so much as... err... a matter of personal taste. Yeah, let's put it like that. At any rate, seems kind of odd, both the sentence and Mael's reaction.
73 — "...fumes.He..." Put a space after the period. That's it. Again, I wonder about Mael's reaction, but whatever. He's more willing to find out himself than ask? Bah.
And there we are. All done. Finally. Zan, I'll say it now, this was a lot harder to edit than that last piece I did. Not because of more errors, I'm fairly sure the previous piece had more simply because of it's length. No, it was difficult because with the previous piece I genuinely wanted to edit it. With this one, I still wanted to edit it, but not out of fun. More of obligation, something like that. I felt it needed editing.
It actually took me three sit-downs to get this puppy finished. The first was just to get the first page edited, which was almost downright painful to read. It was really not good man. The second was for the next three pages, the mole fight and the start of the ghost fight. The last was for the last four pages. This last bit wasn't so bad. It was all kind of downhill from there. Things started getting interesting and I enjoyed editing it again. But before then? Yeah...
Zan, I really can see the difference between what you wrote and what you added later. What you wrote originally was, well, bad. Not a whole lot of fun to read. The stuff at the end was pretty good though. Your characters started seeming like people and less like bad actors in an under funded action flick.
While I thought the 'make-the-cave-explode' bit was a little over the top, that's about where things started getting good. My advice is to rewrite everything before it. And probably the stuff after it too, just to get it in sync. And if you want to start with action, then by all means start with action. Start inside the cave itself, just as Mael walks in and starts looking around. Have him recall the scene in the village as he sneaks around, searching for the beast within. Have his thoughts be interrupted by a falling rock, only to discover that it was dislodged by an errant cave rat. Stuff like that. It's definitely more interesting.
Your action scenes could use a little work too. Then again, you said the action scenes were old work, so I can't say too much. I will say that you should try and use detail, but not to the point where it takes a minute to read a second of fighting. Make it so there's a deal of distance between periods, so people feel like there's a lot happening. Use strong, powerful words that scream action, that shout out, 'HEY! Something is happening!". And if all else fails, read up on some Salvatore, read some action scenes from the master, heh.
While I happen to like the ideas behind this, I didn't like the story itself. I really hate to give such a bad review, but the majority of this piece wasn't that good. At least not near the level of that last piece of yours. In fact, I was so affected by how un-right this piece seemed that my brain started thinking of ways I wanted the story to go. I have actually started rewriting this as the way I would have had it happen.
Trust me, it's hardly at the top of my personal list of things I'd like to do, but I'd really like to write right now and the only ideas I'm getting are a Black Lagoon fan-fic, a rewrite of this story, and a Diablo fan-fic. And I try to avoid fan-fics. At any rate, expect me to post my version of this story up soon, as well as a few changes. Y'know, a change to Mael's personality, a change to the monster, a change to the ghost's personality, that's the major stuff.
Although I do feel kind of bad about doing this. After all, they are your ideas. If you want, I can kill my rewrite now and move on. Like I said, I do have a few other ideas. I kind of like how the Diablo fan-fic goes in my head.
"Something's..."
"Nialus? What's wrong?"
"Too many empty graves..."
"What do-"
"Mrooooaaannn..."
1 — "...a layer of fear seemed to lay..." sounds very odd. You also use the word lay at the end of the paragraph. I'd suggest that you find a different word, spice things up a bit.
2 — You're purposely avoiding saying the wanderer's name in this paragraph, that much is obvious, but why? Is there a particular reason? Is there something special about his name? Are you trying to get the audience's attention, have them think, "Well what's the guy's name?" The way you have it now is fine, I do the same thing myself without even thinking why, but it does make referring to the character difficult. You're forced into using him and he a lot until you find something else to refer to the character as. No actual complaints about this, I'm just thinking. Although I do believe that you meant to put a space between the quote at the end of the paragraph and the paragraph itself. A shame the forum doesn't seem to understand indents, that'd make transferring standard work much easier. Ah well.
5 — "Everyone in the crowd had their own opinion, but most felt that this wanderer could be their savior." Why? Why would they feel that way? Do people with swords generally go out of their way and risk life and limb? The more likely reason is that the people are getting desperate and grabbing at straws. If that's the case, make the people seem, well, more desperate. Next, why would they think he's one of these monster slayers? Does having a sword and being a wanderer automatically make you one in this setting? This second question isn't something you should necessarily answer, at least not that early in the plot, but you should remember it.
6 & 7 — Do these really need to be separate paragraphs? The first is introducing the old man and the second is him speaking, so I'd think it'd be better to have them as one. Nit-picking here, but it's the details that count, right?
8 — If I really wanted to be nit-picky, I'd ask who's talking in this. Granted, it's pretty obvious that it's the wanderer who is speaking, but there are those who might not get the transition. With paragraphs 3 and 4, it was obvious that it was the villagers speaking, thanks to paragraph 5 and it's explanation, but here it's not so certain. Just have the wanderer do something, like absentmindedly brush some dust off of his clothes, before having him speak, so everyone knows it's him. And on a whole nother note, we now have a name for our hero. His way of speaking also tells us not only what time period this is set in, but also about the level of intelligence of our hero.
9 — Again, speaking without any indication of who it is. And again, it's fairly obvious that it's the chief responding to Mael. For some reason, just reading what the elder says here makes me dislike him a little bit. "Yes, much to my regret." There are two ways this can be interpreted. One is that he regrets the death of his fellows, which is what one would assume, but the other is that he simply regrets having to deal with this troubling incident. Regret is just a weak word in this instance, or at least that's how it reads for me. It just sounds like the elder is being selfish, for some reason.
11 — And again, same thing. The audience should understand by now though. I mean, they're been at it long enough that even the dullest of readers should understand that Mael and the Elder are talking back and forth.
12 — Ah, so we find that the hero is cocky. All right, a little character development. But is he cocky because he feels that he can easily handle the threat? Or is he cocky because he looks down on the villagers, like something they find a deadly threat might be little more than a nuisance to one of his skills? The fact that he's smiling at them kind of makes one think the second option, but he might very well be doing all of this as little more than a display to put them at ease. Kind of like, "Hey, no worries guys, it's under control." Not bad, but do you want to keep it vague, as it is now, and leave things up for interpretation? Or do you want to reinforce the idea and make it beyond debate?
13 - The sentence, "We would owe you our very lives if you were to succeed," sounds weird to me. It's grammatically correct, but I don't like how it sounds for some reason. I would replace "if you were to" with "should you". Maybe not even that. I'd consider rewording things, that's for certain.
14 — "Heh?" Heh! Heh... Heh, sorry, just messing around. For some reason, seeing 'heh', used like this got me laughing, probably because I tend to use the word a lot on the internet and on the site. It's my version of 'lol'. At any rate, "Heh?" sounds really weird. I mean, just try saying it. Heh? I mean, I can see "Eh?" used, kind of like saying 'Oh yeah?'. But 'Heh?'... just sounds weird. At any rate, there's something you should use when you're rewriting something. Say it aloud. See how it sounds. If it sounds weird, change it.
15 — This paragraph made me laugh. "Mael turned to his guide, a young boy who seemed scared of even being near the mouth of the cave, and told him to stay put. The boy seemed relieved and moved closer to the line of trees." This is hilarious to me. I know what you're getting at, really. You're saying that the boy is relieved that he doesn't have to go any farther. But here's how it sounds.
Kid - "I'm scared of being here!"
Mael — "Stay here!"
Kid — "Yay!"
But there's my amusement for a bit. I'd suggest rewording it a bit so the boy doesn't seem relieved that he's in a place that creeps him out. Y'know, actually type out that he was glad he didn't have to go any farther in. On a more serious note, Zan, this paragraph in particular seems really rushed. The thing is, there's been very little description up to this point and the whole thing has seemed like it's been pushed along, like you just wanted to bypass the crap and get to the good stuff. And honestly, I think this would have come off a lot better if you'd just done that. Just delete that first page, all the stuff before getting to the cave, and pick up here.
And let's talk about something else. There's no reason not to use support characters to their fullest. Have the kid stutter as he says, 'This is the place,' have him quake in his shoes as Mael investigates the entrance, then finish by having the kid's face blanch as Mael tells him he has to stick around. Something like that. But moving on.
16 — "Mael's thoughts came quick and unbidden." Again, I kind of have to ask why you put this here. Is it unusual for his thoughts to come quickly? Are you showing that he's a talented analyst? It seems that you could leave this sentence out as it really doesn't do a whole lot.
17 — Good description. I like the imagery here.
18 — "As he walked he found signs of occupation, claw marks raked across the stone walls and there were grooves along the ground as though something enormous had been dragged." Reading this aloud, it doesn't sound right to me. Maybe put a period between occupation and claw so to show that there's a bigger pause. At any rate, the story is starting to pick up now. Your descriptions are getting better and things are getting interesting.
20 — "The weapon seemed to be forged from one continuous length of steel that ended in two foot serrated tip..." I think there's a missing 'a' in between 'in' and 'two'.
22 — If Mael knows the mole beast can see him even while it's asleep, why does he think that it being asleep will make his job easier? Or is that just simply his thoughts working themselves out in front of the audience?
23 — "I hope you had a nice nap because you are about to get a rude awakening." A little cliché. It certainly shows that our hero has a rather big head if he's starting off by taunting his foe, but I feel it could have been better. At any rate, since it's a powerful sentence and he's shouting, end with an exclamation mark.
24 — "...Mael hid behind. The orb began to glow and Mael could have sword..." Let's replace sword with sworn.
26 — "The creature howled in pain and jolted upright. It shook its head and knocked Mael away." This is an action sequence. The fewer pauses you have, the better. It's hard melding these two sentences together, so instead add more description. "The creature howled in pain and went up on its hind legs, shrieking and thrashing its head about. Mael, his objective completed, let go of the spear and fell to the ground on his feet before scrambling away from the rampaging monster." Something like that. Maybe something a little more dignified though, heh.
27 — You say the mole is blinded, but aren't they that anyway? I can't say for sure, but I thought that mole's were near blind to begin with. I mean, hard to find a use for eyes when you spend most of your life underground eating worms and roots, y'know? But then again, mole monsters aren't exactly my area of expertise, heh.
28 — "A lucky swipe of the creature's paw..." Was it really lucky? I mean, is Mael really that far out of the monster's league? Or is this simply a second in Meal's mind, him saying, "Eh, lucky shot,"?
29 — "The creature's death throws were wild." I'm pretty sure that the word you wanted to use here was throes.
30 — Wait, how big was this thing? If he can hack off one of it's claws and carry it, it can't be too big. Maybe human sized? I dunno, in my mind, the mole was at least twice as big as an adult human. Maybe a little description on the beast's size would be good? Also, "He filled his coin pouch with with gold coins and searched the room for anything else that caught his eye." Too many 'with's. Delete one of them.
34 & 35 — Classic good guy/bad guy dialogue. Too classic, borderline cliché. I dunno man, something just doesn't seem right about the talking in this piece of yours.
37 — "He hefted the spear, arm raised with the metallic tip of the spear pointing straight for the ghost's heart." Doesn't sound right. Microsoft word doesn't like the grammar of it either. Reword it a bit. "He hefted the spear, raised his arm, then lined the metallic tip..." something like that. Doesn't sound great, but it's better. I'm sure with time you'll think of something to replace it with. Also, "...fall to the ground, covered in a lair of ice." Replace with 'layer'.
38 — Good description here. Some grammatical errors though. "...Mael had to hope that his limited magical abilities would be able to defeat the ghost.." That's just one too many periods. "...flow of mana into small sphere of energy." Sounds like Engrish. Put an 'a' between 'into' and 'small'.
40 — "Mael doubled over the catch his breath." Replace with to. "...almost a foot in diameter and is shined brightly..." Another small one. Replace with it. Nice description though.
41 — Deus Ex Machina, I believe the saying is. Rather convenient that he knew that his magic would act in new ways for him. Or could he do the ice spear thing before? If so, why didn't he do it? Anyway, thinking out loud again. And something else, didn't the Ghost have a sword? Why didn't he try using that? Hmm...
43 — Again, I have to wonder, if he's not that great at using magic, how the heck does he know how to do this? Then again, if it's simply a matter of willing it and having sufficient power, I guess it would work, if that's the formula for magic in this world. Also, "The ghost dissipated into shear nothingness." Something doesn't seem right to me in that sentence. Shear, I've heard the word used and I've used it myself, but my idea of what it actually means isn't that great. Microsoft word says that it's another way of saying, "cut off". So I suppose it kind of works... I don't know, something doesn't seem quite right to me, kind of like shear is redundant in this sentence.
44 — "...specks of crimson strained the floor." Replace strained with stained. Also, we have an inconsistency. In the beginning of the paragraph, you said, "Mael collapsed, the sapphire stone slipping from his grasp and rolling across the floor." At the end though, you say, "Clutching the stone tightly, Mael rolled onto his back and closed his eyes." One would assume that he got a hold of the stone again, but isn't he really tired and weak from the battle?
52 — Things have been better these past few paragraphs. This is probably the new material you added on, right? It seems better than much of the previous stuff. Anyway, I kind of have to wonder why he blew the cave up. I mean, sure, he's worried that the villagers might take it, but didn't the elder say that whatever was inside was his? Is he expecting a double cross? Or does Mael just have problems trusting people? Not necessarily a complaint here, but you should think about this yourself. Character development and all that, heh.
59 — In the sentence, you put full quotes around sir. "Sir". I believe the proper thing her is to put 'Sir'. Half quotes/single quotes, not sure what the correct term is. However, I'm not positive if it's grammatically correct or not, it's just what I do.
61 — Dialogue, rapid back and forth stuff. No complaints on that. Small error in this paragraph though. ""Yes. but let's save the chit chat for later." Just replace that period in front of 'yes' with a comma and it'll be fine.
64 — "It seemed that the whole of the village had gathered to meet the small group of teenagers and the wounded slayers." Slayers? As in plural? Let's shave off that 'S', unless we're briefly viewing things from the villagers point of view and they believe some of the others to have aided Mael. Also, how do we know Devin's name? If we are indeed behind the perspective of the villagers, of course we would know the elder's name. However, in the two previous counts of names in the story, Rone and Mael, the characters have been represented with vague pronouns until their names were mentioned or asked. It just seems strange to break the trend, that's all.
65 — "Mael is in need of healing more than praise" Nothing wrong with this, but I feel it could be more right. This has the potential to be a rather fun statement/scene with Rone scolding his grandfather. A little bit of levity after all of the action. Work with it some more so it comes out more humorous. I'd suggest something myself, but nothing's coming. But I can feel that it's there, and it should be. Y'know?
67 — Nice paragraph, I like this one a lot.
68 — "Caustic purple smoke..." How would we know it was caustic? That, and I'm not to fond of how the thing sounds. How about 'Billowing'?
69 — "Mael asked sceptically." Few spelling errors this time around, that's nice. Anyway, here's one of the few. It's 'skeptically'.
72 — "Not attacked....Though Tabitha does have a strange appetite." Error here, place a space after the three periods. I think three periods in a row is called an ellipse, but I'm not certain. At any rate, let's talk about that sentence some more. Mael was right to question the whole, "On your guard", thing. But why the heck doesn't he ask about this? I know I sure as heck would! This is one incredibly strange thing for someone to say. The way I see it, it can be taken in two different ways. That one, Tabitha is a CANIBAL. And two... well, two I'd rather not talk about. That's just embarrassing. And I'm going to assume that it's number two, that it's not so much a matter of hunger appetite so much as... err... a matter of personal taste. Yeah, let's put it like that. At any rate, seems kind of odd, both the sentence and Mael's reaction.
73 — "...fumes.He..." Put a space after the period. That's it. Again, I wonder about Mael's reaction, but whatever. He's more willing to find out himself than ask? Bah.
And there we are. All done. Finally. Zan, I'll say it now, this was a lot harder to edit than that last piece I did. Not because of more errors, I'm fairly sure the previous piece had more simply because of it's length. No, it was difficult because with the previous piece I genuinely wanted to edit it. With this one, I still wanted to edit it, but not out of fun. More of obligation, something like that. I felt it needed editing.
It actually took me three sit-downs to get this puppy finished. The first was just to get the first page edited, which was almost downright painful to read. It was really not good man. The second was for the next three pages, the mole fight and the start of the ghost fight. The last was for the last four pages. This last bit wasn't so bad. It was all kind of downhill from there. Things started getting interesting and I enjoyed editing it again. But before then? Yeah...
Zan, I really can see the difference between what you wrote and what you added later. What you wrote originally was, well, bad. Not a whole lot of fun to read. The stuff at the end was pretty good though. Your characters started seeming like people and less like bad actors in an under funded action flick.
While I thought the 'make-the-cave-explode' bit was a little over the top, that's about where things started getting good. My advice is to rewrite everything before it. And probably the stuff after it too, just to get it in sync. And if you want to start with action, then by all means start with action. Start inside the cave itself, just as Mael walks in and starts looking around. Have him recall the scene in the village as he sneaks around, searching for the beast within. Have his thoughts be interrupted by a falling rock, only to discover that it was dislodged by an errant cave rat. Stuff like that. It's definitely more interesting.
Your action scenes could use a little work too. Then again, you said the action scenes were old work, so I can't say too much. I will say that you should try and use detail, but not to the point where it takes a minute to read a second of fighting. Make it so there's a deal of distance between periods, so people feel like there's a lot happening. Use strong, powerful words that scream action, that shout out, 'HEY! Something is happening!". And if all else fails, read up on some Salvatore, read some action scenes from the master, heh.
While I happen to like the ideas behind this, I didn't like the story itself. I really hate to give such a bad review, but the majority of this piece wasn't that good. At least not near the level of that last piece of yours. In fact, I was so affected by how un-right this piece seemed that my brain started thinking of ways I wanted the story to go. I have actually started rewriting this as the way I would have had it happen.
Trust me, it's hardly at the top of my personal list of things I'd like to do, but I'd really like to write right now and the only ideas I'm getting are a Black Lagoon fan-fic, a rewrite of this story, and a Diablo fan-fic. And I try to avoid fan-fics. At any rate, expect me to post my version of this story up soon, as well as a few changes. Y'know, a change to Mael's personality, a change to the monster, a change to the ghost's personality, that's the major stuff.
Although I do feel kind of bad about doing this. After all, they are your ideas. If you want, I can kill my rewrite now and move on. Like I said, I do have a few other ideas. I kind of like how the Diablo fan-fic goes in my head.
"Something's..."
"Nialus? What's wrong?"
"Too many empty graves..."
"What do-"
"Mrooooaaannn..."
last edited by
Hm, I am forced to agree with you on many of those points. Mael, at first, is a very cliche character who doesn't gain much in the way of personality until the later chapters. This is basically my attempt at your basic fantasy novel with the dashing hero, young sidekick, damsel in distress nonsense. Ya see, when Mael leaves the town, Rone follows him. They get to the next beseiged town and find...THE MAIN VILLAIN! RAWR! Fight scene...Villain leaves. Duo meets hot girl who is actually a princess on the run from her father who wants to force her to marry some dood. Ya see how the plot is unfolding? Yeah...