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The Revenge of Grendel's Father: Supreme Court Edition
Grendel's mother's lair.....
Grendel's father: Honey I'm home. (Sees Grendel and his mother's headless bodies, looks up at the ceiling and cries out) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Scene fades out
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At Beowulf's castle, everyone is partying and drinking.
Beowulf: Bwa ha ha! I am so great!
Guests: Three cheers for the man who slayed Grendel! Three Cheers for the man who killed his mother!
Servant: (strolls in with a piece of paper) Sir, you've just received a summons from the United States Supreme Court.
Beowulf: Supreme Court? United States? A summons? What are these strange things you speak of?
Servant: The United States is a foreign country. The Supreme Court is one of the highest forms of law. A summons is a command to appear in court. Apparently Grendel's father is suing you for killing his wife and son.
Beowulf: Well, I shall simply not show up. I've never heard of this country, so they can't be that great.
Servant: Uh, sir? This country has what people refer to as "the bombs".
Beowulf: The bombs?
Servant: Yes, sir, the bombs. Legend has it that just one of these could reduce the whole kingdom to rubble. Perhaps you should go, for the people's sake.
Beowulf: Well, I suppose. After all, these accusations are preposterous. And no one would convict me after hearing about how great I am.
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Later, at the Supreme Court building...
Judge: This court will now come to order. We will begin the case of Steve vs. Beowulf.
Beowulf: Steve? Your name is Steve? Bwa ha ha!
Judge: Order in the Court! Mr. Beowulf, perhaps you do not realize how serious the charges against you are.
Beowulf: So what? I killed two bloodthirsty monsters who were slaughtering the innocent. I don't see what the big deal is. Besides, I'm so great, it shouldn't really matter.
Steve: Great, are you? So, Mr. Beowulf, according to you, all it takes to make a man great is to kill... (dramatic pause) a seven-year-old and his grieving mother?
Court: (gasps)
Beowulf: What? Seven? But he was killing countless people. I was just trying to avenge them and prevent any more deaths.
Steve: Oh, and what of my wife? She was also trying to avenge someone and keep our neighbors safe from anymore more of your "purges".
Court: (mutters agreement)
Steve: Would you kill a child just because he was out hunting for food?
Beowulf: You're calling people food? At least what we eat isn't intelligent.
Steve: Oh really. So when a fish gets caught on a fishing hook it just grows still and waits to be pulled in? And when you're pointing an arrow at a deer, it just stands there and waits for you to line up your shot? Because I'm sure they would if they're not intelligent. (pauses for a moment) That will be all, your honor.
Court: (mutters various comments)
Judge: All right then, you may both make your closing statements.
Beowulf: Um, ok. Side with me because I'm great and I'm so much better than you... especially you Steve.
Steve: Ahem. Now, I'm a man who just lost everything, and I implore the court to bring the one responsible to justice. I know that there is no way for him to make up for what he's done, but I want him to try anyway and have him feel a little bit of the pain that I feel now. So please, I ask that you show this arrogant buffoon the agony of defeat and try to teach him the error of his ways. Thank you.
Judge: The justices will now confer in private. We ask that you meet back here in one hour for the verdict.
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An hour later...
Judge: We have now come to a verdict. We find the defendant, Beowulf... guilty on the charge of murder.
Beowulf: (inner thoughts) I... I lost. I don't believe it. How could one as great as me lose...and to a guy name Steve? Oh well. It's not that big a deal. They will make me pay a fee... probably a small one. After all, this country doesn't even have a proper king. Any amount would seem large to them.
Judge: Beowulf will now pay Steve the sum of 1.4 million dollars.
Beowulf: (blank stare) Uh...
Servant: Uh, sir in our currency that would be (whispers amount in ear)
Beowulf: WHAT!!!
Servant #2: Oh boy, the taxpayers sure aren't going to like this.
THE END!!!
Something I did for 11th grade English and has been sitting in my computer's memory for the past year. I think I got a pretty good grade on it, too. Yes, this is what makes a passing grade in an American advanced English class. Pretty sad, ain't it?
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